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09:22:59 - 2000-09-13

POLITICIANS ARE TRYING TO DESTROY OUR ELBOWS!!!

Arrivaderci!!!

...That's German for "Good morning".

My German friends taught me that.

Wait a sec...I don't HAVE ANY GERMAN FRIENDS!

....That...my friends...is what we call "Really lame Deja Vu".

************************************

So ... I know the question you're DYING to ask...

"Uncle Bob...how's that arm of yours?"

Lemme tell ya kids...it's gettin' better. But it's still as sore as Marv Albert's girlfriend's back.

BUT, I've gotten into the habit of not wearing my sling like I should be, especially on Tuesdays, which is the long day around the office.

So yesterday, I'm not wearing the sling, when a big time politician comes in.

State Representative Perry Hooper Jr.

I only mention him because two of my readers (Wendi and Kaz) will know who he is.

Maybe Eddie. Eddie...you heard of him???

Perry is about the DUMBEST politician you will ever meet, which is saying a lot since he represents Alabama and we ALL know the stigma that follows Alabamians around.

...We have sex with our pets ... we can't tie our own shoes ... we call the television "the picture box"...we drink turpentine and call it Coca-Cola...

We're dumb down here. Thanks for noticing and not doing anything about it, peeps!

Anyway...Perry comes into the office to bring me a picture he wanted to run in the paper of himself and country stupidstar John Michael Montgomery.

He goes to shake my hand.

I'm not thinking. Remember?? I'm in Alabama.

WE JUST DON'T FUCKING THINK HERE ALL THE TIME.

I put my right hand out to shake his. I have no sling on and my bandages are hidden under my shirt.

Shaking hands with a politician.

A guy that shakes hands for a living.

Think he's got a strong grip??

As SOON as he gripped my hand, I literally yelled.

"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW," I yelled, trying to pull my hand out of his.

He was startled to say the least.

"Is your arm broken?" he asked in that STUPID STUPID tone of his.

"Just my elbow and wrist," I muttered. "Not the WHOLE arm."

"Duhhhh, I'm sorry," he said, JUST LIKE that big dumb dog that used to be on the Bugs Bunny cartoons, whose name escapes me at the moment, but usually said in a dumb slow voice "Which way did he go? Which way did he go?"

You know the one??

So my hand was SORE as Marv Albert's maid's back after that.

********************************************

Hey ... if my boy Mattie Gee ever asks you to borrow something and you give it to him, prepare for him to keep it for several years.

A few years ago, I lent him my new book "How To Use HTML 3" because he was in the process of learning how to build webpages.

A year later, I asked him if I could have it back because I wanted to build a webpage.

He said "Sure, Uncle Bob. Anything for you, m'friend."

Weeks passed before he told me, "I can't find the book."

Ahhhhh...I smelled skullduggery.

Which is NOT the kinda thing you want to be smelling when you've been drinking, trust me.

For the next couple of years, I badgered him to find the book. He lived in a small apartment with a bed, a computer, a guitar and a TV. That's it. Shouldn't be TOO hard to find, should it?

He could never find it.

Yesterday, the book was on my desk when I arrived at work.

...With all the knowledge SUCKED right out of it.

Now Mattie Gee has his own damned website design business.

All thanks to my book.

Curse you Mattie Gee!!!

Curse youuuuuuu!!!!

(Uncle Bob shakes his GOOD fist at the computer monitor and makes a scowling face for several minutes, hoping it sufficiently curses his buddy)

And now that I've got it back ... I've already learned how to make links that you don't have to open in another window, they'll do it automatically.

Really!!

Just click here!

SEE??

Which just goes to prove ... I'm a MUCH QUICKER learner than Mattie Gee.

...Then again ... he's originally from Alabama, whereas I am not...

************************************************

And finally ... enough's enough.

As if the constant denials of me being Brad Pitt weren't enough ... now I'm being mistaken for Diaryland's Bob.

(Did you click the links?? Isn't that soooo cool?!?!)

Let's clear the air ... Bob IS the guy who came up with the new Analyzer site that is currently all the rage.

HE gets all the credit for this tool that will singlehandedly put Diaryland on the map.

NOT ME.

I'd love to sit back and take all the credit for this marvel of modern-day technology, but...alas, I cannot.

...Mainly because fuckin' Mattie Gee has held my damned HTML book hostage for several years ...

....Bastard...

So please...when giving props for the Analyzer ... give them to Bob.

NOT Uncle Bob.

As a side note...Bob was here first. I tried to get HIS diaryland nickname but he already had it. That's how you got ...UNCLE Bob.

That's your trivia fact for the day, kids. Bring it up in every conversation you have with others today, and watch their faces.

YOU: "You know...Bob was on Diaryland before Uncle Bob."

THEM: (Blank stare).

I'm outta here. Have a good one.

****************************************

QUESTION OF THE DAY

What's your three favorite junk foods?

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