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10:56:36 - 2000-04-29

Jeez Louise.

I forgot all about you peeps. Sowy.

Let's run down the events of the last 24 hours in chronological order, hokay??

I spent ALL DAY yesterday going from school to school to take pictures of some kids that got accepted into Duke University or some shit like that.

I have stressed to the publisher OVER AND OVER AGAIN ... I am a writer...not a photographer.

...And I'm BARELY a fucking writer.

Still ... he thought it would be a great thing to have pictures of alllll 145 kids.

I sincerely wanted to slap the teeth outta his mouth.

So...I went into the office yesterday and announced that I would not be back in until Tuesday because I had to travel from each school to get these stoopid pictures.

...I plan on raping him on my Expense Account. If I drove 75 miles, I'm writing 150 miles...etc.

...I'll show him...

(sniff)

One thing I can tell you about high school kids today ... it is apparently VERY UNCOOL to smile in front of your peers.

It was like pulling fucking teeth outta these kids.

ME: "Okay everyone...smile big for Mom."

KIDS: (all grimacing)

ME: (putting the camera down) Alright you little fucks, if you don't smile, I'm going to kick major high school ass so hard that you'll all WISH you had gone to school at Columbine after I'm done thrashing your punk asses.

KIDS: (all smiling nervously)

ME: That's fucking better.

That took until about 3:30. Then I go home to check my messages to see if Senor Shitbreath has gotten around to calling me to tell me my computer was in.

No messages.

I drove over to Circuit F'n City to check on it.

Sure as shit...it had been waiting on me since Wednesday.

I sincerely felt like finding El Dogshit Breath and yanking his pathetic penis off, leaving him a crotchless, bloody mess.

But...I just grabbed the computer, signed the ticket "Harry Ass" and left in a huff.

Got home...hooked up the computer....

Whadda ya know? Works like a charm.

So...thanks to all those who wrote offering to help me with all my computer woes. But it looks like I finally got a charming piece of Compaq shit that works.

So...I had enough time to wack off to some decent internet porn before it was time to go out to dinner with the Mrs.

We went to Roadhouse Grill. I have decided that Roadhouse Grill is the loudest damned restaurant in the world. You can't hear yourself think in there.

We sat and discussed baby names over and over again.

I'm still leaning towards Stone Cold Steve Bobber if it's a boy.

And Little Whore Bobber if it's a girl.

Just kiddin. Actually...Alexandria is growing on me. I like Alex for a girl.

Susie likes Andrew James for a boy, and we would call him "Drew". That was my mom's suggestion.

I wanna give my kid a name where a number of nicknames can apply.

Robert=Bob, Bobby, Robbie, Rob

James= Jim, Jimmy, James, Jamie

Alexandria = Alex, Lexi, and Exandria.

Alright...grasping for straws on that one. As always...small claims court is open...sue my ass.

We went to a party afterwards. Some friends of Susie's were throwing a spring bash.

Hooptie hooo.

There was some lady there that was postively GUSHING over me. She had been reading my column for years and I sincerely think she woulda blown me if Susie hadn't been there and I liked blow jobs.

She was bringing up columns from years past and QUOTING the damned things verbatim.

When people get like that, I get nervous. I can't remember what I wrote last week, and these people can babble off anything I may have ever written in my career.

We didn't stay too long as Susie was tired as hell with the baby and all.

Came home and watched "Twin Peaks" on Bravo.

Man...I was a SERIOUS Twin Peaks fan in its day. I STILL have every episode in order on video.

But watching it last night...I think I realized just how bad it got toward the end.

Ah well...I won't bore you with my Peaks Speak. Very few of y'all probably ever watched it.

About 1 a.m., Susie had a night terror.

Night terrors are experienced by many children and very few adults.

Sadly, I married a psycho with night terrors.

These are intense nightmares where the sleeper SCREAMS BLOODY MURDER, hops up out of bed and then goes running around the room.

Susie always thinks someone is after her in her N.T.'s

I used to be really concerned and would hold her in bed to calm her down.

Now I tell her to shut up before she wakes the neighbors and get her ass back in bed and go to sleep.

Last night, in her sleep, she was holding a conversation with me after her Terror.

SUSIE: "I'm sorry. A woman in my condition has these."

ME: "Shut up. You're asleep and I'm trying to get back to sleep."

SUSIE: "Someone was after me."

ME: "NOBODY is after your ass, trust me. We are laying in bed. I'm GOING to be after you if you don't hush."

SUSIE: "I'm sor....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...."

She hasn't had one in a while, and let's be honest...they're usually pretty amusing. After 14 years of sleeping with her, they're old hat with me.

THEN....

A part of me died this morning.

This is SOOOOO "Sopranos" like.

Each spring,a bird builds a nest on my back patio and has a few baby birds.

About two weeks ago, the eggs hatched and I had two baby birds living on my back patio.

They were just the cutest things and every day, I'd get up on a chair and peek into their nest, scaring the bejeezus outta them.

On Wednesday, a particularly blustery day, the nest blew off its post and laid on the ground, leaving the two baby birds clinging to the inside lip of the roof of my patio.

(sorry...can't explain it any better than that)

I carefully tried to reassemble the nest, but it was covered in baby bird shit and let's be honest...GROSS!

Still...I stuck the nest back up there and hoped that they would be able to work with it.

Today.

My little birdies took flight and left me behind.

I have an overwhelming sense of sadness about it. I really wanted to see them fly for the first time and wish them well. But they must have left in the middle of the night.

Jesus.

If I'm this distraught over a couple of wild birds, I can't imagine how I'm going to be when my kid goes off to college.

My boy Eddie is on his way over here to put some programs on this new 'puter for me. So I'd better call it an entry now.

Remember...check out Malkavia's diary tomorrow for her Diary-A-Thon starting at 6 a.m. Phoenix time.

Cheer her on. It's all for charity.

Well...not really. But it should be amusing to watch as she burns herself out by noon.

Heeeeee!!!

I really love you guys. Thanks for reading this crap.

You're all my little baby birdies.

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