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5:39 a.m. - 2001-09-20

IT'S OFFICIAL...PEPE THE PUSHER STAYS PUT

Hey you!

Glad you could make it! Come on in and have a great big glass of ice cold cyanide!

Grrrrrr....

You NEVER fall for that one...do you??


Soooo...lemme see...what's going onnnnn....

Had two meetings at church last night. The first was to go over this brochure for the church which gave me an hour to sit and think to myself "What the hell am I doing here?"

I guess I'm one of the decision makers, but I thought it would be obvious by now...I don't care what we do. I'm the one who says "We have X amount of dollars to spend...you do what you can within that budget." Other than that ...knock yourself out, Brochure Lady. Do whatever you want with it.

The girl we've got working on the brochure kicks major booty. She knows what she's doing. The problem was...she's going wayyyy more in-depth with this project than any of us brochure dorks ever dreamed of. She wants all kindsa folding things, pop-up deals...real fancy, witty and colorful stuff.

It's a church, Sweetie. We don't NEED confetti falling out of the brochure when they open it.

Anyway...she's really good...possibly TOO good. And we have to meet again next Wednesday to discuss her latest ideas.

Yawn.


Then I met with Rev. Brian afterwards to get his opinion on how to handle the problem with Pepe.

I told him the whole story, embellishing it a bit with facts like I think Pepe may be selling drugs to handicapped kids and that he may be an active card-carrying member of the Taliban.

I'm kidding, you gullible sonsofbitches. Sheesh!!

Fortunately, after being presented with the facts, Brian said there would be NO WAY he would allow Pepe in his house either.

YAAAAAAYYYY!!!

I said "But in a sermon a few weeks ago, you said we should allow ANYONE inside our doors."

He said "I was talking about the CHURCH doors, you moron."

Ahhhhhh...I get it now.

He agreed that meeting Pepe in a public place would be the best thing and that giving him a year to prove himself before letting him in my house was "almost too generous".

Sorry Pepe. Maybe Grandma doesn't mind you using her toilet and sleeping on her couch. But you won't be bringing your 10-years-in-prison ass over here when I'm not around and taking care of my baby after you taught my nephews tricks you can do with a cigarette lighter.

Now we just have to decide how to tell Grandma that she can't watch Andrew anymore if she insists on dragging Pepe the Prisoner with her everywhere she goes.

Just another crazy day!!

Wheeeeeeeeeee!!!


I have to take the dog in to get her teeth cleaned today.

She was supposed to go in last week, but we had this little thing called an American Tragedy and I completely forgot about the dog's fangs.

She's not supposed to eat anything since 10 p.m.last night, which confuses her, because every morning when I get up, she gets this Alpo Chew Stick thing that has been her morning ritual since she was a pup.

She knows when she doesn't get one in the morning, it's one of two things...either she's going to the doctor or those damned people forgot to get me my damned chew sticks once again.

It's Doctor City today, poochie. Don't let the door hit you in the stank ass on your way out.

I'll hand it to my dog...she's been on my every last nerve since bringing the baby home, which is not right because for ten years she was "Man's best friend" and now she's been pushed aside like yesterday's garbage.

But last night, she and Andy played together so sweetly and gently that I actually felt some love in my heart for the mutt. She licked Andy's face after they played and he laughed and it was just sweet.

Oh yeah.

The coolest thing happened last night.

I got home about 8:15, walked in the door and Andy was on the floor playing.

I said "Hi", sat down in my recliner.

He crawled over, pulled himself up the chair and held out his arms to be picked up.

I picked him up and pulled him into my lap.

He crawled up my chest.

...And then he just kept kissing me over and over again.

Man.

That was the first time I had come home late and the first time he crawled over to me with the specific purpose to shower me with love.

I'm turning into a softie.

And I woulda never thought that would happen.

He even slept all through the night and is still sleeping right now.

This kid's alright with me.


An old buddy of mine and the husband of my evil boss and Diaryland's own Wendigo, Dr. Eric Lewis called me up yesterday at work with a proposition.

....Leave Wendigo in a lurch and come work for him.

Actually, he just wants me to write a weekly column for his website Online Montgomery that he bought a few months ago.

It's a pretty cool site...but it doesn't have Uncle Bob on it.

...Yet.

I told him I'd do it. He said I could write about whatever I wanted which is cool. The only restriction he put on me was to leave the profanity in my head and not on the page.

Swell.

How in the fuck am I supposed to express myself then?

Shit.

This bastard has really tied my nuts in a knot.

Tee hee!

(Uncle Bob covers his mouth with both hands to keep his giggles in)

So...I'll let ya know when I start writing for that, which will give you all just ONE MORE PAGE to bookmark and get an extra special colorful weekly column from your dear, sweet, lovable, egotistical Uncle Bob.

Won't this be fun??

Look...at least TRY to look enthusiastic about it.

Sheesh.


Ah'm hungry, so I think if you don't mind, I'm going to scoot on outta here and grab me a Pop Tart or two.

Take care...see you later.

One more thing...hasn't this week gone by much more quickly than last week??

Just an observation.

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