MOM!!! DAD'S MAKING INCOHERANT RAMBLINGS AGAIN!!

I think the thing that really scares me about glass elevators is ... wasn't John F. Kennedy killed in a glass elevator? I mean..ever since then...I just don't feel comfortable riding in a glass elevator.

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I used to live next door to an African cannibal in college. This guy had wild assed hair and wore white clown makeup and had a big shin bone through his nose. I'll tell you what...he may sound creepy ... but that guy was a helluva gin rummy player.

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When I was young, I would catch lightning bugs in the summer time, rip them in half, and stick the lit end on my finger and make a lightning bug ring. For a while, Calvin Klein was interested in marketing my invention, but it never came to pass. Mainly because Calvin was only 12 at the time.

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The things I like most about watching other people's home videos is booing, throwing popcorn at the screen and yelling "YOU SUCK" every time a child waltzes into the video. In that order.

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I think Paul Revere should have yelled "The British Are Coming...All over My Lily White Ass" as he rode through the villages. Some people wouldn't get it, but the ones who did would get a chuckle and then go back to sleep and have weird sex dreams.

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I think it's time we added a new category to the five essential food groups. My suggestion is "buffalo wings".

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One time, at my grandmother's funeral, as we were passing by the casket to pay our last respects, my cousin took one of those little horns you blow on New Years Eve and stuck it in Granny's mouth. Then he gave her a sharp jab to the esophagus and enough air came out that my dead grandma tooted her own horn. Everyone was trying to act all mortified and shit, while me and my cousin stood there and waited for everyone to bust out laughin'. Believe it or not...the laughs never came.

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I'll never forget the day Grandma died. We were all in the hospital in the waiting room and a doctor came in and told my dad that they had lost her.

"Have you checked all the local porno shops?" he asked real serious and shit.

I swear...I haven't laughed that hard since the Pauly Shore film festival on TNT.

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I guess my real dream job would be to work as a crooked warden in a prison full of hot women who will all the time be wanting to hump me to give them parole. And my big saying would be "Climb on the pole, and you'll get parole!" And the killer chicks will be thinkin' that's real cool and all. But then, every time they have sex with me I "conveniently" forget to get them their parole. That'd be a hoot!

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When I was a child, I had the biggest dimples. One time, my Uncle Larry said "Do you know why God gave you dimples, Uncle Bobby?"

I said no.

"So he can spot you quickly when Armageddon comes and damn you straight to hell so you can burn eternally in the pits of hell-fire."

I was four years old. I thought dimples were permanent kisses from angels for God's sakes.

Now I would be doing battle with Jesus for my soul at the age of four because of dimples??

I can't WAIT to punch Uncle Larry in the esophagus when he dies.

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Sometimes I think about my ex-girlfriends and wonder whatever happened to them. More specifically...would they still have remnants of flesh clinging to their skeletons, or have they just been totally consumed by worms by now?

And, of course, would it look too obvious if I went and placed wreaths on their shallow graves?

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A friend of mine just told me that if we have a baby boy and want to get him circumsized, to make sure we wait until he's 7 before we do it. And have a doctor explain the procedure to our son in vivid detail before and during the operation. Have the surgery performed without without any ansthesia (sp). And videotape the procedure in close-up, so that we can show the tapes to his future girlfriends before they go out.

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I'm tired and goin' to bed.

Love ya...mean it...