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08:06:42 - 2000-02-11

Uncle Bob's Diary is not intended for people under the age of 18, prudes, narcoleptics or people with no sense of humor. This Diary is a mixture of fact and fiction. It is up to the reader to distinguish between the two.

INCOHERANT RAMBLINGS WITHOUT THE AID OF CAFFEINE

* I think Dodge Ball was invented by the Nazis to get valuable secrets from Prisoners of War.

* The only true substitute for a soul full of love is a hundred bucks.

* I remember this kid in junior high, we called him "Stumpy" because he had no arms. Well, one day, this big bully was picking on Stumpy on the playground and challenging him to a fight. I ran over and broke it up between them. I chastised the bully for picking on a poor defenseless young boy. Then I turned around quickly and walloped the shit outta Stumpy with my science textbooks until he cried for Jesus to make me stop. I think that was the day I KNEW I wanted to be a professional wrestler.

* It's time for an new eighth deadly sin. And I think that eighth sin should be "Old People Driving".

* I'd like to teach the world to sing. But right now I'm pressed for time.

* I was once asked to be a judge in a Miss Handicapped Alabama contest. I picked one of the other judges to win.

She was flattered and pissed at the same time, since she wasn't really handicapped.

* Here's a food I never ate simply because of it's name: Sauteed Bull Testicles.

* The funniest thing my dad ever did was this: One time, we went on vacation and we were driving pretty high up in the mountains of Tennessee. I asked Dad how high up were we. He said "Well, if we see Angels, I think we've gone too far. " I thought that was so funny that I laughed really loud and Dad got so irritated, he pulled over, made me get out of the car and sped off. Six days later, the family drove back by, all tan and shit, and Dad tried to apologize and told me to get in the car. But by this point, I had been adopted by a pack of wild Scottish terriers and no longer wanted to be part of my former family's "human" ways. So I howled, and my new family all howled, and we scampered off into the woods of the Smoky Mountains. After the last of my younger sisters, Buffy died, I found my way back to civilization where I've pretty much shaken all of my former "dog" ways and am back to being human. Except I still adore eating my own shit.

* I once dated a stripper, which wasn't cool at all. For one thing, she wasn't a real stripper, she was a crack whore. And secondly ... I think she gave me something science ain't discovered yet.

* I think one of the greatest actors of our time was the kid who played Corky in "Life Goes On". How that kid managed to pull off being handicapped each week and blow his head up like that was simply amazing to me. There's no Award that could be enough of a reward for a performance like that. Sadly ... Corky is now a member of "Dawson's Creek" and goes by the name James Vander Beak.

* Seriously .... have you ever had your ass tickled with a feather? AH! HEAVEN my friend.... Don't believe me, try it yourself.

*Heh. I just planted the seed. About 40 of you are going to go to bed tonight and tickle your own asses with feathers. Y'all are Fruit Loops.

* Here's a tip for those of you having sex tonight ... men like to have several fingers rammed up their butts unexpectedly. At least four fingers...but try the whole fist. Your man will propose right there on the spot. And if you're already married, he might even turn off the light.

* Heh. Now ... about 40 men are going to be enjoying a nice blow job tonight and then all of a sudden have a fist jammed up their asses. The men will jump, their dicks will get bit accidently, 40 women will be crying and blaming me for the whole thing .... the 40 men will be screaming because they'll think they're going to have to go on the talk show circuit with John Wayne Bobbitt and saying "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TAKING SEX ADVICE FROM A PSYCHOTIC WHO TOLD YOU TO RAM YOUR FIST UP MY ASS?!?!?!"

* ...And I'll be sleeping soundly, with a small grin on my face...

Have a great day!

IF you click here and a window comes up saying "YOU'VE WON A MILLION DOLLARS!!!" then you've won a million dollars, from me...Uncle Bob.

If you haven't read it yet, read today's tribute to the late Jim "Ernest" Varney

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