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16:31:49 - 2000-02-13

Uncle Bob's Diary is full of nasty words, thoughts and ideas. But deep down, he's a super nice guy. If you met him, you'd say "THIS is Uncle Bob?!?" because you'd be expecting Larry Flynt in drag and that isn't the case. Therefore, if you're offended by words like "Fuckdog" and "Road Whore" or if you're under the age of 18 and have never been exposed to the real world, please move on. For the rest of ya ... let's fuckin' partayyyyy!!!

DAMMIT TO HELL...WHO LET ALL THESE INCOHERANT RAMBLINGS IN HERE?!?

(First off...my apologies to Fawn who I quoted in an earlier entry as saying she loved big cocks. Just to set the record straight, Fawn likes her penises average sized. I regret any inconvenience that this may have caused Fawn or any guy out there that looked down at his 13" monster and thought that he finally found it a home in Fawn. So sorry, Frankenstein. She likes the normal weenies. When I find a woman willing to take on your Milton Berle-like penis, I'll give ya a holler. As for Fawn ... I am sorry for saying you liked the foot long weenies. I'll read your entries a whole lot closer from now on. *grin*)

HOLY HELL....WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE COME CLEAR ALL THESE INCOHERANT RAMBLINGS OUTTA HERE?!?

* I think if I was on a picnic and a bear came up and asked for my picnic basket, I'd have to say "Man...this is some damned good pot..."

* My grandmother used to bake cookies when we were kids, and they always had raisins in them, but my grandma called them "Rat Turds" and we all had a good laugh every time at the table while chomping them all down. Then one day, Grandma ran out of raisins and since she couldn't drive to town for raisins because she was old, she used some rat turds that she had found out on her back porch in the cookies. I think it was right after that Dad had her sent away to Granny College. I'm not sure if she ever graduated or not. But I'll tell you what. Those rat turd cookies weren't as bad as they sound.

* The difference between a baby shitting itself and an old man shitting himself is that a baby looks cute doing it and an old man is just sad and pathetic and resentful that he does it. As far as I know, that's the only difference.

* I fuckin' can't WAIT for Mambo #6 ....

* Here's a funny trick to do at an airport. Walk through the metal detector with a big assed ball of aluminum foil in your pocket. When the machine beeps, look confused at first and then smile and say "Oh ... I bet it's ....THIS GUN!!!!" And then whip out the aluminum foil real quick and throw it swiftly at a security guard. Usually, everyone's so shocked, that when they find out you don't have a gun, everyone laughs and you just keep going, knowing that you made a stranger's day.

*I'm about three years away from achieving my life-long dream of opening a chain of Sauerkraut Sandwich shops. I know it sounds about as appealing as licking the rim of a bus station toilet, but once you try one, you're hooked. If I could just get someone to try one, this WILL catch on.

* I bought my wife a vibrator and told her to have fun with it. She chipped a tooth.

* Why does Old Spice have all its Warnings in English and French. Do the French reallywear Old Spice? I would think they'd wear fancy parfum or something. But...I guess there's poor French people too who can't afford $30/oz. colognes. I just can't think of any right off hand. All the French people I can think of are dead.

* Speaking of dead...how was that timing of Charles Schultz' death? Dies yesterday ... last cartoon ran in papers today. I hope God takes good care of him, because ol' Chuck kept me in stitches as a kid. I'll be honest ... I haven't had much use for the man's work as an adult. I just hope Charles doesn't try that ol' "Pull The Football Away" trick up there. I hope he's smarter than that.

* When I went home for Christmas, my mom couldn't decide what she wanted to drink with Christmas dinner. Finally, I said "Mom, if you don't decide, I'm gonna open up a can of whoop ass on your ass!" You know...as a joke. So now my Mom's scared I'm gonna beat her ass. As well she should be. Tea or water ... how tough IS it??

* You know...a lot of people can run around and say "Saddam Hussein is a meanie" but it's just like the weather baby. Complain all you want, but until you actually DO something about it, you can take a little "time out" on my eardrum, hokay, Gilligan??

* The other day, my wife said "I like mushrooms on everything." So the next morning, while she slept, I poured canned mushrooms in her hair. She then told me in a firm and agitated tone that she didn't like mushrooms in her hair. To which I replied "Well...that's funny...because last night while we were eating that pizza, you said you liked mushrooms on everything. So I guess this makes you a liar, huh??" She then laughed when she recalled saying that and then I laughed. Then she got out of bed to come give me a hug but delivered a swift, sharp knee to my scrotum instead.

* I had a dream the other night that I had a nest of cockroaches in my sinus cavity and I kept pulling live cockroach after live cockroach out of each of my nostrils. And I remember the little bastards kicking and scratching as I would reach inside my nose and try to pull them out. The whole ordeal was making me squirm because I like cockroaches about as much as you do. Anyway ... weird dream, huh?

* I have never seen the appeal of the Grateful Dead. Maybe it's because I bathe.

* If my premonition is right, that last comment would have gotten me more hate mail than I've ever received in my entire career of writing hateful things. Unfortunately ... since I just pointed that observance out, it now will NOT happen. Just watch and learn, Buster. Watch and learn.

*Alright...we're under a tornado warning here. Don't believe me...check the Weather Channel...Montgomery, Alabama. My dog's freaking out which means the trailer's about to take flight and land us in Oz. We need to get to the root cellar ASAP, unless NASCAR's on, and then everyone understands why you wasn't in yer root cellar, it's cos yer ass was parked in front of the Movie Picture Box watching Dale Earnhart and Jeff Gordon taunt each other with thrilling wheelies and flaming tires shot into a panicked audience. I have no time to read over this and edit it so this is what you get...a rough diary entry.

* ... Like that's any different from the other mindless drivel I shove in your faces.

* I love you. Happy V.D.

Aww snap, Bob...yo' ass ain't go' believe dis shit...

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