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18:08:35 - 2000-02-21

* It's a shame that gluttony is a sin. Because I could do some damage on a Pizza Hut buffet right now, but I don't wanna go to hell over two extra slices of pepperoni.

* Do garbage men really think we are fooled by the term "Sanitation Engineer"? Okay (wink, wink) you're a sanitation engineer. Here's a bagful of my rancid pork chops,moldy mashed potatoes and some big clumps of dog fur. Try and see what you can "engineer" out of that, okay? See ya on Thursday, Engineer Fred! Choo! Choooo!!!

* I think if I was going to open a Mexican restaurant and wanted it to be the best in town, I would install those really soft and plush toilet seats in my bathrooms. Because you figure...Mexican food...those are going to be the most popular seats in the house...huh? I'm tellin' ya ...Einstein ain't got SHIT on yer Uncle Bob ...

So when did Andy Griffith get so fucking mean and cantankerous? As Sheriff Andy Taylor, he was sweet and gentle. As Matlock he was a frothing beast with the attitude of an old man who can't stop shitting his pants and is frustrated that his bowels are the size of walnuts. I hate you Andy Griffith for betraying my childhood trust in you. You mean ol' bastard, you.

* I think there's a reason the government isn't telling us about the aliens that they have stored away in abandoned strip malls in Kansas. And that reason is because they know we know they know that we know about those aliens so they want to torture us by not telling us about the aliens that they know we know they know we know about. I think it's what you'd call "a conspiracy".

* There's a reason I'm so cocky and arrogant. I would tell you that reason, but I just don't think you're smart enough or good looking enough to understand.

* If Frankenstein and Tammy Wynette had a baby, what would they name it? Give up?!? Frankenstein Wynette!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Okay ... don't say "that isn't funny ... Tammy Wynette is dead." Well ... Frankenstein's dead too, hot shot! I bet you feel pretty low right now yourself, huh?

* Time heals all wounds. Except, of course, decapitation.

* When is my penis ever going to come up with a better orgasm?

* I was a very superstitious child, but a very stupid one as well. Which might explain my lifelong hesitance to walk under a black cat.

* I have to say ... I don't miss "The Nanny" as much as the media swore I would.

* If I ever have a baby, that kid is going to be toilet trained before he comes home from the hospital. Because I hear that's one of the toughest parts, the toilet training. Whatever school he has to attend to learn how to hold his shit, that's fine. I will pay.

* A day without orange juice is like a day without a pulpy, acidy aftertaste stuck to the roof of one's mouth that tastes like you've been sucking the teat of a Romanian mountain goat for eight straight hours.

* I think a good flavor for ice cream would be Aspirin flavored ice cream. Because then if you ate the ice cream real fast and got a headache...welll....no you wouldn't! My mother says I'm a genius and I'm starting to believe her.

How can I do something daring and crazy that would make Uncle Bob notice me???

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