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23:30:10 - 2000-03-07

RAMBLINGS OF THE INCOHERANT KIND

Heart attacks are not funny. However, a clown having a heart attack would still be a little funny, don't you think? I mean...it's a clown. He might honk his horn real loud and then let it peter out slowly as he falls to his knees. Man. Just thinking about it has me cracking up.

I remember one time when I was young, I was watching cartoons and my Mom was standing in the kitchen. She was looking aimlessly through the freezer and she casually said "What would you like for dinner, little Uncle Bob?" And I looked at her with my big brown lazy eye and said "Well Mom...a nice big bowl of Shut The Fuck Up sounds pretty good to me right now." I don't recall being in charge of the family menu much after that.

Whenever I pull up to a drive thru and the girl inside says "Would you like some ketchup?" I always scream at the top of my lungs "NO I DON'T WANT ANY FUCKING KETCHUP YOU ILLITERATE COW ," because...you know...you'd think they'd remember shit like that. Yet...every day...same shit. Maybe they're just getting their jollies by pushing my buttons, I dunno ...

A real funny thing to do when you're babysitting really little babies is to cover them in glue and feathers while they sleep. Then, when the parents come home and ask how the baby's doing, say "I dunno ... someone came and took the baby away and left an easter chick in its place" and then leave quickly before they can get to the baby's crib. And don't worry...if you don't have any feathers handy, most pillow innards will do just fine.

I used to hate being called "Queer" when I was a kid. I'd run to my room and cry and Mom would be running right behind me ... calling me "Fucking Queerbait crybaby bitch!!!". Looking back, I think Mom giving birth to me at the age of 13 and deciding to keep me because I "smelled funny" may have been a mistake.

I think that peeing blood is nature's way of saying "Hey ... quit eating so many pencils you dumb shit."

I used to love Saturday mornings, watching the wrestling matches on TV with my grandma. Granny used to swear that wrestling was real, and I always nodded my head in silent agreement, because my Granny was a white-trash goddess and nobody questioned her. One day, Granny wanted to wrestle me after the TV show was over and against my better judgement, I agreed. I was 17 at the time, and Granny went to bite my arm and I accidently backhanded her halfway across the room, knocking her loopy. She ended up spending three weeks in traction, swearing revenge on me like she was Dick The Bruiser.

"You're gonna get yours, you sniveling coward," she'd say to me, curled, pathetic fist just a' shakin, I.V's rattling ....That was the day that I KNEW ... I wanted to be a gourmet bagel chef when I grew up.

If I ever meet Tori Amos, I'm going to HAVE to ask her if she knows this guy Doug Amos that I lost contact with a few years ago. And if she doesn't ... well, then I think I would try to set them up. That is, if I could just find Doug.

I went to a karaoke bar the other night and was fully planning on singing. That is...until I realized that I had accidently left my air guitar at home. And kids ... there may not be much that he won't do, but Uncle Bob NEVER does karaoke without his air guitar.

I think if I was ever rich and famous, I'd pretend I was blind too. Because I'm rich enough to pay people to see for me, so I'd be like...all the time with my eyes closed and shit, and pay some fine woman 40 grand a year to check shit out for my ass. And I'd insist to sit in the bathroom and talk to her while she showered because I was scared to be alone (HELLO???I'M BLIND, YOU INSENSITIVE BITCH!!) but hey, I'm "blind", so it's cool, she'd let me. Heh. Yep. That's the first thing I do when I get rich ... I get REAL blind REAL quick.

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