PEANUT BUTTER AND RAW ONION SANDWICH, ANYONE??

Ugh.

I have a headache, a backache, I feel like I barely slept and when I DID sleep, I was being chased by gang members all night.

BUT...I was badder than Jackie Chan in my dreams. Which was SOOOOO cool.

I even wacked my buddy Mattie Gee. He was coming up out of the bed of a pick up truck with a machine gun pointed at me. I jumped into the back of the truck and popped him a good one in the nose, stole his gun and shot him in the head three times.

This was my BUDDY.

So that tells you just how bad the rest of the dream was.

Why such a sleepless night??

'Cause I went to the church's Ice Cream Social last night.

Dessert after dessert after dessert were laid out across two buffet tables.

I only went back for seconds, which showed a great amount of willpower on my part. Technically, I coulda still been there this morning and STILL not have gotten my fill.

Although...all those sweets sure fucked up my sleep pattern something fierce last night.

And OF COURSE the topic at our table was my sudden weight gain since Susie got pregnant.

(Speaking of Princess Hormone...an update...she doesn't "remember" being rude to me all day on Saturday. She laughed it off yesterday saying "All I know was, I didn't want that Twix bar." ....Wimmen...)

So there's about a dozen people sitting there listening to my unexplainable story of these cravings that I've had over the last five months.

The "hamburger slathered in peanut butter" story.

The "Vegetable Beef soup and mashed potatoes" story.

The "18-year-old virgin spread eagled on top of a cold pizza" story.

Etc.

So these people start giving me their OWN nasty concoctions that they like.

...A raw onion and peanut butter sandwich.

THAT about made me puke up my ice cream.

And a "Banana Split Dog" where you take a banana, put it in a hot dog bun, spread peanut butter on the bun and pour syrup all over it.

THAT made me queasy as well.

Anyway, I SWORE I'd lose this weight once the baby was born. And now I HAVE to because I swore it inside a Church, where God is constantly watching over idiots like me who swear things in church.

...I'll learn one of these days...

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Watched "The Muse" last night on Cinemax.

I love Albert Brooks. He makes my balls tingle in a strictly nonsexual way.

The movie was okay...kinda cute. I've gotta admit...I'm a old man who had no idea what a "muse" was. I read the reviews when the movie came out and read what a "muse" was...still didn't get it.

Still don't this morning.

Although...days like today...I'd KILL for a muse.

For those of you still in the dark about muses...A muse is a mythical woman who inspires people creatively.

This muse (Sharon Stone) was brought in to inspire Albert Brooks to write the ultimate screenplay.

Sounds boring, I know. But it was an okay movie. Don't know if I'd watch it again.

Immediately following the Muse was "Different Strokes: The Story of Jack and Jill ... and Jill".

Astute readers will remember that I reviewed that movie in this here diary back in January.

I thought about watching the movie for about 0.2 seconds, then came back to my senses. I'm not much on soft core porn, but it's even more revolting when it has Dana Plato in the film and she forgot to shave the fur out of the crack of her ass.

Anyway...

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Because of the ice cream social, I only got to catch the last fifteen minutes of "Last One Standing" on USA.

This has to be the greatest show on television with the most ignorant plot ever.

It's an hour long game show that puts 16 people all around a brand new vehicle. All 16 people must keep one hand on the vehicle at all times. Once they take their hand off, they're disqualified. The "Last One Standing" wins the vehicle.

Sounds like an hour packed with thrills and adventure, huh??

No matter HOW BAD this sounds...it's actually pretty fucking funny.

Y'see...these people don't get any sleep. And when they're up for three days straight, the mind starts playing tricks on them.

THAT'S when the show gets good.

So last night...the show's in Nebraska and the 16 people are trying to win a tractor.

That alone told you what kinda show to expect.

All these backward farmers are hanging around this tractor trying to stay awake.

When I tuned in, they were down to the last four. One woman let go of the tractor after three days of standing there, when her husband and kids showed up and the kids had a sign saying "We're Proud of you, Mommy."

Mommy just saw them and walked over to hug them and was disqualified.

She didn't even know she had done it.

Another guy was lighting his cigarette. He took his hand off the tractor to help steady his cigarette...it was clearly caught on tape ... and then he had the BALLS to deny he had done it.

That's the fun part. Watching a bunch of delerious people fuck up and then try to lie their way out of the situation.

A study in humanity, indeed.

Anyway...I'm not sure if there's going to be any more episodes. Check your local listings for details, dammit.

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My God. I am sooooo tired.

I'm going back to bed.

One word...if you send me email between Saturday night and Tuesday night, I don't normally get around to answering it until Wednesday. Sunday thru Wednesday is crunch time for me, and I have enough free time to do this diary stuff and that's about it. So don't feel slighted if I don't email you back right away.

Or even at all. My intentions are good. My email habits suck.

Carry on, soldier. Have a GRRRRRRRRRRRREAT day!!

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QUESTION OF THE DAY

What is your own favorite "weird food" combination?