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4:15 a.m. - 2000-12-22

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS I CAN LIVE WITH

Each year, millions of people make New Year's Resolutions to help better themselves in the coming year.

Some people resolve to lose weight. Others resolve to stop smoking or get in shape.

Yet ... 99% of those people never follow through on their resolutions and end up angry with themselves, their families and their pets because pets are the easiest to get angry with.

That said ... I'm here to help the disenchanted.

This year, when someone asks "What's your New Year's Resolution?" you can turn to them and reel off some resolutions that you can actually STICK to.

Why??

Jeez Louise...can't you read?!?

I'M HERE TO HELP THE DISENCHANTED, DAMMIT.

Here are a host of New Year's Resolutions that you shouldn't have any problem following.

I'm such a genius.

You can thank me later.

* I RESOLVE to stop sending threatening emails to Sherman Helmsley from "The Jeffersons".

* I RESOLVE to stop soaking my hands in charcoal lighter fluid and holding them over open flames.

* I RESOLVE to stop sending Sally Struthers money for those scary looking children in Botswana.

* I RESOLVE to eat more corn chips.

* I RESOLVE to try my hardest to tell people the time when they ask.

* I RESOLVE to stop eating the Scottish delicacy, haggis.

* I RESOLVE to stay away from Kevin Costner movies.

* I RESOLVE to dance whenever I'm waiting in a long line at a bank.

* I RESOLVE to stop trying to make the perfect bomb.

* I RESOLVE to not compliment people when they're wearing clothes that don't appeal to me.

* I RESOLVE to eat more raw cookie dough.

* I RESOLVE to send less Valentines.

* I RESOLVE to not build any tree houses this year.

* I RESOLVE to spend less time bitching about the way things are and start bitching about the way they could have been.

* I RESOLVE to only break up those couples that I feel don't look right together.

* I RESOLVE to start laughing louder when noticing really ugly people.

* I RESOLVE to stop doing Irish jigs every time I see the Pope on television.

* I RESOLVE to stop eating worms.

* I RESOLVE to spit less when I talk.

* I RESOLVE to slow down on my flossing.

* I RESOLVE to find a job with less pay and more hours.

* I RESOLVE to spend more money than I make.

* I RESOLVE to learn less about the computer.

* I RESOLVE to sprawl out on the sofa at any given time for hours on end.

* I RESOLVE to mentally undress more physically unattractive people this year.

* I RESOLVE to pronounce the word "party" as "par-tayyy" as often as possible.

* I RESOLVE to balance my checkbook only when the bank goads me into it with threatening letters.

* I RESOLVE to listen to less gangsta rap music.

* I RESOLVE to not kidnap any children and sell them into white slavery.

* I RESOLVE to not wear dark socks with sandals this year.

* I RESOLVE to tell everyone that I'll stop smoking ... tomorrow.

* I RESOLVE to never leave the house without a clean pair of underwear in my glove compartment.

* I RESOLVE to not eat any more staplers.

* I RESOLVE to actively wear sunglasses when I'm hungover.

* I RESOLVE to do the Dew, but not tell anyone about it.

* I RESOLVE to not turn into a werewolf.

* I RESOLVE to quit signing the Weather Channel's guestbook with "YOU GUYS SUCK DIRTY ASS" on a daily basis.

* I RESOLVE to quit jumping out of dumpsters and scaring McDonald's employees late at night.

* I RESOLVE to not run for President this year.

* I RESOLVE to quit referring to foreign people as "Creepy Fuckers".

* I RESOLVE that when waitresses ask me what I'd like to drink to quit telling them that I'd like a "tall glass of your blood".

* I RESOLVE to sneeze every sneeze like it was my last.

* I RESOLVE to quit putting pencils up my nose and calling myself a walrus. Or at least to quit putting the sharp end in my nose.

* I RESOLVE to start each and every conversation with beautiful members of the opposite sex with "You think you're so hot, don't you??"

* I RESOLVE to trip the light fandango whenever possible.

* I RESOLVE to stop using my front yard as a urinal.

* I RESOLVE to spread the word that Jesus is the reason we get presents.

* I RESOLVE to quit nailing my toes to the ground when I'm bored.

* I RESOLVE to work on my "James Brown going to the bathroom" impressions.

* I RESOLVE to rock and roll all night and party every day.

* I RESOLVE to quit using saran wrap as condoms.

* I RESOLVE to not cry when I get gassy like my boy does.

* I RESOLVE to become more in tune with my community through local cable access programming.

Hmmmm...

I think that's it.

Hey!

You!!!

Have a great weekend!!!

I hope you guys have a great Christmas. I have no idea what schedule I'll be entertaining over the next few days, and just like everyone else, updating this diary will be spotty at best.

It doesn't mean I don't love ya.

I do.

I hope everyone is safe and we all come back here in good spirits next week.

Love ya,

Unkie Bawb

______________________________________

QUESTION OF THE NEXT FEW DAYS

What do you look forward to most during the holiday season?

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