THE BIGGEST SOCIAL RETARD I'VE EVER SEEN

Anybody see "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" last night??

C'mon...SOMEBODY had to see it.

Anyway...they started the show off with this androgynous freak.

It was a man, but I thought it was just a hideously ugly woman. His lips were red, and he had the biggest fleshiest face of anyone I've ever seen. His head had more flesh on it than Kate Moss's entire body.

He was a frightening man, and it was the first time that I can remember that a contestant almost made me turn the channel.

But I couldn't. I'm HOOKED on the Millionaire show.

HOOKED, I'm 'a tellin' ya!

...hooked...

So anywhoo...Prince Big Head makes it all the way to $250,000 and stopped. WHOOOHOOO!!!

Regis asked him what he's going to do with the money and without hesitation, he said "I'M GETTIN' LAID, REEGE!!"

Lucky guy. He's gonna be gettin' laid.

Me??

Hell ... I get laid less than ....

.... Wow... I was just going to make a laugh at a dear friend's expense ... but for once...I censored myself.

Must be the "daddy" instinct settling in.

Hey...first ultrasound on Wednesday...just to keep ya updated...I know I haven't been talkin' much about the impending fatherhood here...but it's still going on...let's all just be patient...

So anyway...the big headed guy gets all this money and his sister comes out of the audience to hug him.

His sister looks just like him except she has red hair and her head is slightly smaller.

They go to hug, and then they do the "dysfunctional family" hug. Like they're hugging a very expensive antique china cabinet.

The next guy to get in the hot seat was the third biggest loser I've ever seen on the show.

Allen Kong.

Man ... if ever a guy looked like he'd go all the way, it was the Kong Man.

He was studying to be a doctor. Young, strapping Asian fellow.

The $100 question was "If you are hiding something from your past, you are said to have WHAT in your closet?"

The answer was ... of course...skeletons.

It took King Kong about a minute to finally cough out the answer.

He even admitted the phrase didn't ring a bell.

But he got through it.

WHOOOHOOO!!! $100!!!

Long Dong Kong admitted that if he was in Vietnam right now, he could retire a wealthy man.

...sorry...he didn't really and I didn't mean to offend anyone ... racial jokes aren't funny. Well...some are...but...I mean...that's what everyone says anyway...

The $200 question came up.

"What did Ernie always play with in his bathtub on "Sesame Street"?

I blurted out,"His fuzzy orange dick!"

My wife spat her milk out. She laughed so hard milk bypassed her nose and came out her eyes.

Once back from the emergency room, we noticed that Donkey Kong had used up one of his lifelines on the Ernie question because "he didn't watch TV as a kid".

WTF???

I bet his extremely strict Asian parents were kicking themselves in the ass over that one. Having to use a lifeline on a $200 question because THEY wouldn't let their kid watch fuckin' Sesame Street......

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(1980--The Kong Kave. The Kongs are sitting around the dinner table, with Four-year-old Allen in his snappy little four-year-old suit and tie.)

ALLEN KONG: "Father. May I watch Sesame Street after dinner?"

DADDY KONG: "TV ....work of DEVIL!!"

ALLEN KONG: "But father. It teaches me my American ABCs. And they have puppets that teach you to masturbate in the bath tub."

MOMMY KONG: (confused) Massurbake?

DADDY KONG: "SHUT TLAP WOMAN!"

MOMMY KONG: (Bows apologetically and shuffles quietly to the kitchen)

DADDY KONG: "Awwen ... you must NEVER turn on TV. TV will burn you and make you sterile."

ALLEN KONG: "Yes father. I will continue to play with books."

DADDY KONG: "Very good glasshopper. Books take you FAR!"

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How much you wanna bet Mommy Kong was beating the living shit outta Daddy Kong last night with a magazine.

MOMMY KONG: "You SONOFABITCH!! You never let him watch TV and NOW LOOK, YOU STRICT BASTARD!!!!"

DADDY KONG: "OW! OW!! OW! OWWWW!!! OW!!"

So...Ping Pong had to use a lifeline at the $200 question.

It was something like 90% of the audience said "Rubber Ducky".

10% said "Furry Orange Penis" just to mess with the poor guy.

GO ALLEN KONG!! GRAB that $200 buddy!!

The 3rd question came up...name a famous cooking school in France.

HELLO??? Chicken CORDON BLEU???

"It's Cordon Bleu" I told my wife.

Allen finally gathered a look of confidence on his face. He beamed wildly and said "That's Moulon Rouge, Regis."

This time...I spat milk out my eyes.

Regis gave him the "Sorry" look and said "I'm sorry your parents kept you in a box most of your life Allen. You go home with $200."

Of course...as soon as Allen heard $200, his face beamed...

"I'M GOING TO VIETNAM!!"

Then...Regis had to quickly correct himself and say that since Allen MISSED the question, he was going home with NOTHING.

ZERO.

ZIP.

ZILCH.

Allen looked like someone had just ran over his dog, backed up and ran over it again.

Allen "WRONG!!" Kong....I salute thee...

You are quite possibly ... the biggest social retard I've ever had the good fortune to see.

Thanks for the memories.