current entry older entries message board contact
09:58:07 - 2000-09-06

HOW TO KISS A RICH OLD WOMAN AND OTHER HELPFUL HINTS

Like so many other diarists...I just lost today's entry to the great Diary Sucker in the Sky.

i.e. My machine just froze up and I had to reboot without being able to save anything.

Ah well ... wasn't that great anyway. Just a list of every wild sexual escapade I've ever had.

It was about three sentences long.

BA-DUM-BUM...SISSSSSSS!!!

(my attempt at a rim shot...thankyouverymuch)

Actually ... I lost everything because I was trying to write a diary entry PLUS download songs off Napster for my boy Mattie Gee.

His band is going to be playing a Fraternity gig Friday night and they need a disc full of "Booty Music" to play in-between sets.

Booty Music.

For God's sakes...I'm not into "Booty Music". My booty shakes when I walk ... I don't NEED music to increase its shakeability.

Mattie's been on me for a few days now..."Where's my Booty CD? Where's my Booty CD?"

The thing about Mattie...God bless him...but he's a tempermental musician.

He only likes WHAT HE LIKES. Everything else is shit.

So, no matter HOW MUCH EFFORT I put into a disc, he never likes it.

This isn't the first time he's asked me to make him a disc without being descriptive about what he wants on it and then poohpoohs the disc when I'm done.

"Make me an 80s disc."

Okay...I bust my ass and make him a disc of some killer 80s tunes.

"That sucked."

Okay. Be more DESCRIPTIVE of what you want. Because I'm NOT going to waste two hours of my life putting a disc together for you that you think SUCKS.

So when he said "Booty Music", I thought he meant "Gap Band, Salt n Pepa, Come on Ride the Train (whooo! whoooo!) Come ride it..."

Nope. He meant TODAY'S music.

Oh...like Eminem and The Thong Song??

No, no, no....TODAY'S music...

Ummmm...Mattie...that IS today's music.

Nononononono...like...Snoop Dogg and Britney Spears.

Okay ... fuck it. Snoop Dogg is soooooooo '91.

Anyway...

************************************

QUESTION OF THE DAY

If YOU were at a college Fraternity bash, what song would make you shake your booty uncontrollably?

************************************

I'm looking for a younger demographic today. You high school and college kids can answer this one.

Anyway...I need to make the boy a Booty disc and just CRAM IT IN HIS MUSIC SNOB FACE!!!!!!!

...He reads this, so now he knows what I'm going through and how I plan on solving the problem...BY TURNING TO MY ARMY, DAMMIT!!!

Damned music snob...

*********************************

Okay...confession time...I'm not one of the culturally elite.

I say this as I type in the dark, with a ragged old t-shirt and boxers on, swigging from an ice cold Coca-Cola.

I'm not a champagne and tux kinda guy.

This isn't to say that I can't HANG with the champagne and tux crowd. I often do.

But yesterday, I was presented with a huge dilemma that I hope I climbed out of gracefully.

One of our local society's biggest dames, Priscilla Crommelin-Ball stopped by the office yesterday.

I've known Priscilla for years. We're good acquaintances is about the best I could put it.

Never been to her house ... Never double dated...etc.

This woman is the artistic director of our city's professional ballet company.

You know...la de da material...

Anyway, she comes in the office and comes up to hug me.

I put my GOOD ARM, my left arm around her shoulder.

THEN...this woman takes her right cheek and starts pushing it toward my face.

As I see this cheek get closer and closer to my face, I panic.

Does she want me to kiss it?

Is that kosher??

Do society people lick each other in these circumstances???

WHAT DO I DOOOOOOOOOO??

Just as I began to unravel my tongue out of my mouth and cram it in her ear, a little angel on my shoulder said "Brush your cheek against hers."

So I turned my fat assed head and rubbed my rough cheek against hers, which has been lifted about eight times if you go by the scars all around her head.

Apparently, I did the right thing because she seemed sexually fulfilled by our act of blatant cheek rubbing.

For good measure, I cupped her rich ass and squeezed it like a tomato.

I think she dug it.

**********************************

There, I've typed in two fucking diary entries today.

Time to walk the dog.

I've got a baseball bat today to deal with those white trash dogs if they're snooping around the neighborhood and knocking over trash cans.

Gonna bash me some trashy dog heads today.

Yahoooooooo!!!!

0 comments so far
The last one/The next one


NEW!!!Come and write some BAD EROTICA with the cool kids!

My Diaryland Trading Card
Now go write a Suck Ass Poem™
Write me a note here.
Read my notes here.
Hey! Take the Uncle Bob Quiz!
What the hell! May as well take the wildly popular Uncle Bob Second Quiz too!
Thanks Diaryland
Designed by Lisa


CURRENT - ARCHIVES - MESSAGES - EMAIL


Have you read these?

The End Of Uncle Bob - 12:28 p.m. , 2009-02-19

Losing Focus While Trying To Write A Blog Entry Is Cool. - 1:47 p.m. , 2008-12-04

Buck Up Junior, You Could Be Digging Ditches - 11:36 p.m. , 2008-10-31

That Sinking Feeling - 6:09 a.m. , 2008-10-28

Return Of The Karate Kid And His Slow Kitty-Lovin' Accomplice - 5:44 a.m. , 2008-10-22

Sign up for my Notify List and get email when I update!

email:
powered by
NotifyList.com

HEY YOU!
Click on the button below to order the book "Never Threaten To Eat Your Co-Workers: Best of Blogs" featuring Uncle Bob.
You WON'T be sorry.

DISCLAIMER


Read a random entry of mine.