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17:56:32 - 2000-03-30

THE ORIGINAL APRIL FOOL...MY COLLEGE ROOMMATE, DAVE

If you sat me down with a bright lightbulb over my head in a cramped, smoke-filled room and beat it out of me, I'd probably pick April Fools Day as my favorite holiday. Only because I would want the pistol whipping to stop and Christmas and Halloween apparently weren't the correct answers you were looking for.

April Fools Day -- or as i like to call it ... Christmas for Idiots -- was fully explored by my freshman college roommate Dave Gorman.

Granted ... we were at Western Kentucky University at the time, so his victims weren't the brightest stars in the skies to begin with. Dave was a natural prankster who wouldn't wait until April 1st to let the pranks begin ... he liked to spread them on thick throughout the year.

I had the good fortune of being part of many of Dave's pranks and can remember vividly the pain and humiliation his wacky gags would bring. Here's just a few of his notable moments:

Dave's favorite pranks usually took place while his victims slept. His favorite, and one that intrigued me, he learned from a psychology book.

While his victim slept, Dave would put Vaseline between their toes. The person's toes would then begin to wiggle involuntarily. Apparently in everyone's brain there is a mechanism that says if your toes are sliding together they should keep sliding together. This same mechanism is the part of the brain that is supposed to insure that you get a good night's rest each night. But it cannot get rest while it's telling your toes to slide together.

So even though the victim "sleeps" all night, he wakes up exhausted and cannot function the next day. I would think that this would work great if you're ever in prison and your cellmate fucks with you all day. He'll be too damned tired all day to mess with ya after that stunt.

Dave tried one prank on me in my sleep early into our freshman year together. He carefully placed two Red Hot candies between my teeth and lips while I was in a deep sleep.

After a few minutes, the searing pain woke me up and I even had blisters for a few days.

But there was no use in getting mad at the guy because he would just think of something worse to do to you.

And what was I going to do? Go complain to the resident manager that my roommate is putting Red Hots in my mouth while I sleep??

After that I told Dave that I would become his accomplice if he promised not to make me a victim anymore. I remember we shook on it, and Dave never pulled another prank on me. He was truly a man of his word for the age of 19.

He could be a real dick sometimes. But he had morals.

One prank that I recommend everyone try is this one ... Dave would wait until everyone in the dorm was asleep (3 a.m. was a perfect time for any pranks) and then he would go to someone's door armed with a camera with a flash and a cap gun.

Dave would pound on the door and when the door flew open he would take a picture with the flash, simultaneously shooting the cap gun in the air. There was never one guy who didn't think he was being shot at and who didn't choose to scream "FUUUUUUCK" as their final word.

One of the out and out funniest things Dave ever did was pull a prank on Louis "Pig" Ziemer. Pig's parents owned some big assed pig farm in eastern Kentucky and apparently he was raised to think that was worthy of bragging about.

Pig was a big boy...probably weighed close to 400 lbs. He also had the smallest penis I've ever seen on a man ... it was practically non-existant. That's neither here nor there...just something I just now remembered. He would use the dorm's community restroom and many times would leave it out of commission for upwards of an hour, due to his ... ummm ... eccentric eating habits.

One night, Dave poured rubbing alcohol in the cracks of the bathroom floor's tile, leaving a thin trail all the way out the door and into the hallway. Dave waited until we saw Pig walk by for his nightly shitfest.

Once Pig got squeezed into his stall, Dave took a lighter and lit the trail of rubbing alcohol. After ten seconds, we heard Pig squeal like he was being burned alive as the floor of the bathroom went up in quick flames. After 30 seconds, the flaming alcohol evaporated off of the tile leaving a dorm full of freshmen cackling at the Pig's expense.

Pig got even the next night. He bought some Ambesol which numbs toothaches, and slathered Dave's retainer that he wore at night in it. Dave's mouth was numb the entire next day to the delight of a dorm full of cackling freshmen once again.

Dave retaliated by letting the United States Marines know that Louis "Pig" Ziemer was VERY interested in becoming a Marine. The cackling was replaced with a long and low "ooooooo" at that point.

At lunch the next day, Pig slipped some mini marshmallows in Dave's milk so that when Dave took a big swig, he felt a clump go down his throat and thought he had just drank curdled milk. The look on his face was priceless and some milk ACTUALLY came out of his nose, which was the only time I've ever REALLY seen that happen. And, of course, the cackling took over once again.

Dave finally realized that beneath this chunky farmboy veneer, Pig had some talents when it came to pranks. They then joined forces which meant the cackling came to a grinding halt as everyone in the dorm went on 24-hour surveillance.

Their shining moment was so simplistic yet so marvelous in scope. Gene Siskel would have given it a thumbs up on plot alone. Except he's dead.

Pig hung a large vinyl Coca-Cola banner out of his window until it reached the window below his. I then went to the room below his, knocked on the door and told the guy to open his window and pull this vinyl banner in from above. He looked out his window, saw the banner and without thinking "who, what, when, where, and why?" he just opened the window and began pulling the banner in.

That's what guys in college dorms do. If something weird is going on and it doesn't look like it will kill you instantly, 95% of college guys will jump right into any situation, head first.

Meanwhile, Pig held tightly to the banner while Dave poured a bucket full of water into the tunnel that had now formed down the side of the building. The water wooshed into the bottom window, completely drenching the guy and his room. The look on his face said it all: utter confusion and unbridled anger. I almost felt sorry for the guy until he wanted to mop the floor with my face. Then I hightailed it up the stairs where safety was in numbers and I had a farm boy named "Pig" on my side.

That turned out to be the one shining moment in the unification between the two pranksters. The school year came to a close a few days after the water incident and we all went our seperate ways.

Where's Dave now? I have no idea. At the end of the school year, I transferred to the University of Tennessee because some LYING BITCH WHORE said she would LOVE ME FOREVER IF I TRANSFERRED and I never heard from the joker again.

But I would guess he's in a prison somewhere. And probably sticking beef bouillion cubes in the shower heads ... just to piss off the Aryans.

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