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12:33 p.m. - 2001-08-28

SCAM BOY SCREWS THE SYSTEM HARD

You wanna know what REALLY sucks?

Okay... lemme tell ya what REALLY sucks...

I was sitting here at my desk all morning, salivating for my lunch since all I had to eat this morning was a little carton of blueberry yogurt, which is fine and all, but dammit... I'M HUNGRY! I had brought a ham sandwich, these new Tex-Mex Taco Fritos, some chocolate-peanut butter pudding and a Fun size Nestle's Crunch Bar for lunch. A feast for your normal Ethiopian.

I was jonesing for that Chocolate Peanut-butter pudding. The name alone made me sit here and scratch my arms like a dope fiend, waiting for freakin' 11:30 to get here so I could go to the refrigerator and get my lunch.

11:30 comes. I leap from my desk, knock a few pens and a framed photo of Andy off my desk and go screaming down the hallway, making a beeline to the refrigerator.

I get there and grab my lunch bag. I make my legs spin in a blurry cartoon circle as I run back to my desk to sit down and eat, eat, eat.

Guess who didn't put a spoon in his bag for the chocolate peanut-butter pudding?

If you guessed "me", you're absolutely right.

Okay...I REALLY wanna cry. This pudding...this peanut buttery chocolatey pudding is just sitting there, waiting to be devoured.

Now then...would McGyver have cried?

No.

McGyver would have found a way to eat the pudding.

I had three choices.

I could slurp the pudding out like I was drinking from a cup.

I could use two ball point pens as chopsticks and eat the pudding like I'd eat sushi.

Or I could use my Nestle's Crunch bar as a spoon.

I went with option number three.

By the time I was done, I looked like Divine at the end of "Pink Flamingos". I had brown crud smeared all over my face. Here I am...professional guy, sitting at his desk and looking like a spastic baby, using a candy bar as a spoon. Just in case I wasn't getting ENOUGH chocolate in my diet, I was shoving chocolate in my mouth USING chocolate.

Edweird walks in, notices my predicament and hands me a plastic fork.

Ever tried eating pudding with a fork? It's about as easy as a man getting into Janet Reno's pants. I made an even bigger mess with the fork.

So now, there's pudding all over my desk and it looks like a dog with severe bowel disorders jumped up on my desk. I've tried to clean most of it off, but it still reeks.

To top it off...the pudding sucked.


Went to Circuit City during lunch to see if I could hornswaggle them.

Y'see...for Christmas, my no-good-lousy brother-in-law got me the DVD for "American Beauty".

I don't know why. Maybe he wanted to come over sometime and watch Minnie Souvlaki prance around in her panties in still frame. That would be my guess anyway.

So I never opened the DVD, leaving it in its shrink wrap with full intentions of someday trading it in for something else.

"Forrest Gump" came out on DVD today. I figured now was the time to cash in on my brother-in-law's ignorance.

So Edweird and I go to Circuit City and I march confidently over to the service desk.

"My brother-in-law bought this for me as a gift," I said, casually forgetting to use the word "Christmas" in front of the word "gift". "I already had the DVD and so I'd like to trade it for something else."

The girl took the DVD from me and inspected it.

"You got yo' receipt," she mumbled.

"No, my good lady, I do not," I said. "As I stated, it was a gift. I don't normally ask for receipts when receiving gifts."

"It don' look like it came from here," she declared in her infinite wisdom.

"Oh, it came from here," I corrected her. "He told me he bought it here."

I don't have a clue where he bought it. He could have bought it at a yard sale ... I dunno. All I know is they can surely put this DVD on their shelves and let me take a new one in return.

So this girl starts asking me all these questions, trying to slow my roll. Wanting to know stuff like my phone number and address and what type of underwear I wear.

She can't find this disc in the system.

Duh, sweetie ... I'm LYING to you here. Just gimme "Forrest Gump" and I'll never bother you again.

She calls the management over, thinking this will freak me out and make me take my lying ass and go running out of the store.

Not today peeps. Uncle Bob's on a mission. I'm out to get "Forrest Gump" without paying a penny.

The manager says this disc didn't come from their store. We walk over to the DVD section and she finds another copy of "American Beauty" and proceeds to show me the difference in the two boxes. Apparently, Circuit City stocks their DVDs with more anti-theft devices than the White House has assholes. She flips the box around and shows me three anti-theft strips on the box.

Mine has zero.

That's how she could tell I was lying.

I mumbled that I'd go home and call my brother-in-law (right...like THAT would ever happen...)and find out where he bought the DVD.

I made sure to thank her for her time, since most lying cheating customers don't do that.

We then went to Coconuts because it was close by.

I pulled the same stunt in there...saying my brother-in-law had bought it here.

The guy scanned the DVD and said it wasn't bought there, but he'd go ahead and let me get something else anyway.

WHOOOOHOOOOO!!!

Now THAT'S customer service, Circuit City!

So I made a beeline for "Forrest Gump". The guy told me to keep my trade out under $26.99.

"Forrest" was $24.99 but ORIGINALLY marked at $29.99.

Technically...TECHNICALY, I shoulda had to pay for the discrepancy.

Not at Coconut's, my friend.

They not only gave it to me at the sale price, the manager gave me $2.18 to cover the discrepancy.

I woulda hugged him, but he had dreadlocks and looked like he hadn't bathed since Jerry Garcia died. So I just thanked him for his kindness and shuffled slowly out of the store so he'd think I was a little old man who was confused and crapping in his pants.

So now I've got "Forrest" on DVD.

Which means I'll be saying everything in a Gump voice for the next several years to the delight of my family, friends and co-workers.

I'm sure they're ecstatic.


So I'm watching the News this morning because that's what I always do, when I see that three people have now stepped forward to claim their portion of the Powerball winnings from this weekend.

I'm always confused why some people don't come forward right away. If I won, you bet your ass I'd be front and center the next day saying "SHOW ME THE MONEY! SHOW ME THE MONEY!"

But there's always somebody that holds out for weeks and months, making sure this isn't all a bad dream, checking those numbers again and again and again.

Hey, even if this WAS a bad dream, it wouldn't land on my list of all-time worst dreams. Pinch yourself, grab your ticket and call whoever it is that's got that first check, Slick.

I saw the guy from Kentucky who won is an ex-con. He served about 16 years for robbery.

Y'know...I bet the people he robbed are just ecstatic that he's now a multi-millionaire. Probably hawked some precious family heirloom of theirs for some beer money. Thanks, friendly millionaire Robber! Thanks for having more money now than we'd ever hope to see.

I just hope he does something for the people he robbed. Buy 'em a security system for the house...you know...just for a laugh.

All three winners are opting to take the one big payout which is less than the "huge check a year for 25 years".

This means that each of the three people will receive a lump sum of $41 million.

After taxes, it's $27 million.

If they take that $27 million and invest it in a money market account, they could make $978,000 a year off of the interest alone.

I dunno about you, but if I'm sitting back and living off the interest of $27 million, I believe I can probably feel secure in quitting my job and settling into the luxurious life of being a full time bum.

I've already spent that first $978,000. First, I'd buy a new home. Second I'd buy my parents a new house, third and fourth would be my sisters' new homes.

Then I'd spend the rest on plastic spoons. Because, as I learned today, you never know when you're going to need one.

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