SONGS AND SCHLONGS

Keeerist.

I thought I'd NEVER get around to updating this bitch this morning.

First ... I slept in. Yes...Uncle Bob slept until 5:10 a.m. this morning.

Hell. Half my day's over now.

Then...I had a KILLER connection to Napster and Jaki had a list of songs to download, so like all good leetle boys, I had to download at least half of them.

Then ... I start thinking ... "I don't have that much Alice Cooper downloaded."

BAM!!

Instant Alice Cooper.

In my day (Uncle Bob pulls out his pipe, sits in his rocking chair, realizes he has no weed to put in his pipe and puts it back in the drawer, mumbling curse words under his breath), Alice Cooper was DA SHIT!!

Sadly, today he's the subject of about a hundred greatest hits albums with the same songs but different names and his new music sucks whale shit.

So I'm downloading "Killer" and "Halo of Flies" and "Sick Things" ... gettin' my early 70's groove on, don't ya know?

THEN...I remember another song I MUST have...the theme song from "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes". I walk around singing that song constantly to Andy because it seems to meld right into "The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers".

I can sing "The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers" just like Tigger.

I can.

Listen...

The wonderful thing about tiggers, is tiggers are wonderful things, their tops are made out of rubber, their bottoms are made out of springs, they're bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun...the wonderful thing about tiggers is I'm the only one...IIIIIIIII'M the only one!"

Told ya, you skeptical whore dog, you.

So I download that bitch. You know...keepin' it real. Hip flip on the R&B tip or whatever.

I'd say I'm going to miss Napster...but damn...has anything really changed??

BTW...Jaki said that everyone would love Fleming and John's "Ugly Girl". I dunno about everybody, but I dig it.

So I'm still trying to download shit and get this baby updated as well. It's tough, it's rough, but I'm workin' overtime to make sure we get it in the can, Sam.

...I think my morning Coca-Cola has sent me on quite a caffeine buzz this morning.

Susie comes home last night to a delicious dinner of grilled ribeyes, grilled veggies (squash, mushrooms, green peppers and onions), Cajun Chicken Rice-A-Roni (the San Francisco treat), breadsticks and brownies with ice cream prepared by yours truly.

She's got a story to tell me.

Okay ... Susie works in the personnel department of Carquest, a big auto parts dealer thing. She works in the distribution center here in town, nice big office building. I just want to make sure you understand she's not a mechanic or anything.

Anyway, they have a bunch of stores here in town that deliver parts to various businesses.

One of the drivers was a female and was delivering a part to the local Board of Education's machine shop where the work on lawn mowers and stuff.

When she gets there, she walks into an office and the guy is sitting there at his desk, just whacking away at his pecker.

Masturbating.

He looks at her and smiles and says "Wanna give me a hand?" or something to that effect. Basically, he invites her to give it a tug or two.

She turned around and walked out. Went and told her supervisor who called Susie asking what to do.

So Susie's on the phone all day with people finding out what the hell to do when your employees catch people masturbating and are asked to join in.

Susie said that everyone agreed on one thing...the media can NOT know about this.

I'm the editor of the local weekly newspaper.

I AM MEDIA.

Of course, I'll keep the whole thing hush-hush because I'd get my wife in all kindsa trouble if I reported it.

But man ... if it was an anonymous tip that was given to me ... I'd be alllll over that story. Board of Education employee jerking off at work, invites others to join in.

What a headline.

Have you guys seen Rate My Rack yet?

In the vein of Am I Hot Or Not, basically women send in pictures of their breasts and you get to vote 1-10 on their breasts.

I didn't go searching for it, mind you. Somebody linked me and linked that page as well ... that's how I found it.

I swear.

Really.

It's got a lot of porno links on it, so I can't recommend it to those of you under 18. If you're under 18, you don't need to be seeing naked breasts anyway. Just study hard, stay in school and don't do drugs. When you get to be 18, I PROMISE YOU ... the naked breasts will still be there for ya.

Anyway ... I searched high and low for Jaki's breasts there, but didn't see them.

She's about the only one in Diaryland I could imagine doing this.

Possibly Schmez after a particularly fun Friday evening.

Anyway ... if any of you gals decide to send your boobies in, lemme know and I'll do what I can to insure that you get proper boobie attention directed to your magnificent ta-tas.

Hey.

It's the LEAST I can do for my gals ...

I'm s'posed to get some new-fangled massage next Wednesday.

It's an electro-magnetic massage. Twenty minutes long.

Some guy does them locally and he wants a story written about it so he asked if he could give me a massage and I'd write something about it.

I dunno pal...ask me twice.

Wait a second here...YOU DON'T HAVE TO ASK ME TWICE!!!

Soooo...massage on Wednesday...

I also received an invitation to the Dog-U-Tante Ball on April....6th, I believe.

It's a fund raiser for the Humane Society. People pay $100 a plate to come out and watch local celebrities walk Shelter dogs down the runway like it's some kinda fashion show/debutante ball.

I did it the first couple of years and then last year I didn't go for some reason or another.

I think we had some other dogutante ball to go to or something. I don't remember now.

Anyway, I agreed to do it. Even though my campaign for "Biggest Rat" will be going on at the same time and I should be raising money for the Cancer Society, rather then lending my name to raise money for the Humane Society.

Ahhhhh...the trials and tribulations of being Uncle Bob.

It's downright painful at times.

Well...it's super duper late...damned near 6:45. I've got a dog to walk, a kid to burp, a grandmother to let in the house, a shower to step into, and a job that needs me to come in and sit and stare at a computer for a few hours.

Oh yeah ... yesterday our art guy found an old picture of Batman from the original series, superimposed my face in the Batman suit and dubbed it "Ratman" for my "Biggest Rat" campaign. It's hilarious looking. I'll have to get a jpeg of it.

I've gotta judge a high school art contest today. All the art is on the sidewalk downtown and done in chalk.

It's supposed to rain like a bitch today.

This should be interesting.

Cheerio!!

MP3 DOWNLOAD OF THE DAY

Ummmmmm....let's go with TRAVIS "Why Does It Always Rain On Me?"

I didn't care much for the album, but this song is such a pretty Radiohead sounding song, if Radiohead ever felt like recording a really pretty pop song.

DOWNLOAD IT NOW!!