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5:43 a.m. - 2001-10-16

THEORIES SCHMEORIES...IT'S TIME FOR SOLUTIONS

Okay...now it's gone too far.

An infant son of an employee at ABC has got anthrax.

As the father of an infant son, I feel rage inside. No more of this "Bring them to justice" crap. Let's go with what the Bible says..."An eye for an eye".

When we find these fuckers that are spreading this anthrax crap, there should be no court of law. There should be no prison time.

Shoot the fuckers dead in the head and throw their bodies in the nearest river and let the fish eat them.

These people are disturbed and are not productive members of society. Thus, let's do society a favor and off the bastards.

How hard can it be to find these people? Granted...I haven't given up my theory on the sharks being behind all this. But I started thinking last night...how do the sharks address a letter and get a stamp on it? I mean...it's a great theory and all...but the whole envelope-addressing issue kinda throws a kink into the operation. That's why I think terrorists must have something to do with this. The sharks are the brains behind the attacks...the terrorists are just the pawns.

If they're not already there, we need security cameras in post offices. That way, every time Abdul mails off another suspicious package, he's recorded yet again on the tape and it gives us better ammo to shoot him dead in the head.

This whole thing makes me sick to my stomach. Granted, I don't THINK that I've got much to worry about. They're targeting mostly media people.

But this is just the beginning of their plan unfolding. Who knows what waits for you and me?


You know...America's political correctness has turned around and bit us in the ass.

We've gotten too soft. We're willing to love and accept any Tom, Dick or Hairy Bastard that comes into our country for a visit.

This, I believe, has to stop.

I heard last night on one of those discussion shows how the containment camps of WWII worked. Basically, we rounded up every person of Japanese descent and put them in camps where we could monitor them.

It may sound barbaric or politically incorrect...but we didn't have any problems with babies contracting anthrax either during those times.

And the Japanese got the last laugh anyway when they started charging us thousands of dollars for computers fifty years later.

"Ahhhh....who laughing now, Mr. Fat Lazy American Computer Addict??"

"You are, Hop Sing. You are."

Sooooo...here's my solution.

We put every person of Islamic faith in this country in a containment camp.

Too barbaric, you say??

Then how about this...

How about if we make that containment camp.....DISNEYLAND???

That's right...hear me out....the government rents out Disneyland for a year or two. The general public will just have to deal with it...it's the price we pay for terrorism.

We take every person of Islamic faith and cram them into Disneyland. If it starts spilling over, we rent out Knotts Berry Farm too.

How can anybody disagree with this?? The Islams would probably love it! They live in the happiest place on earth now! Plenty of room for praying too!!

They could have jobs there too. Ride operators, corn dog makers, somebody could dress up as Goofy (okay...they could take turns with that)...I'm telling you...it's a great solution.

That way, they're all in one big area with a fence around it. If anyone tries to escape, they have the choice of either taking a bullet to the brain or they can sit through "It's A Small World" for two days straight.

Personally, I think we're going to need a shitload of bullets.

Don't tell me this won't work, because it will. The only people suffering are the little kids who have been looking forward to going to Disneyland all their lives and now they can't go.

And if these kids wanna get all mopey, we can remind them that at least they don't have anthrax. But then you have to go through the rigamarole of explaining anthrax to them and that would take a while, so maybe that problem needs some more attention than I've given it. I'll get back to you on that one.

The Islams will be happy because damn...they live in Disneyland, Jack! The ACLU will be happy because they're not in concentration camps. The people of America will be happy because they won't have to worry about opening that Publisher's Clearing House letter from Ed McMahon and getting a faceful of death.

I guess bin Laden will be a little pissed. His terrorist cells are reduced to trying to blow up The Haunted Mansion or Cinderella's Palace. I guess that would kinda suck if I were the leader of a terrorist organization.

Anyway...I'm going to propose my solution to my congressman today.

And you watch...if we end up shipping all the Islamic people in the country to Disneyland, you can say "That wacky Uncle Bob...he's always right!"

My next projects will be tracking down Chandra Levy and getting Robert Downey Jr. straight once and for all.

Stay tuned.

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