JUST SCHTUFF

This is the last day of the first week of the rest of my life.

Whatever the hell that's supposed to mean.

TOMORROW (Tomorrow, I'll love ya...tomorrow...you're only a fucking day awayyyyy) I get hooked up with a cable modem.

Tomorrow I will be travelling down the information superduperhighway at 200 times the speed that I currently travel now.

I hope this shit comes with a seatbelt. I don't wanna get whiplash from the damned thing

I'm as giddy as a little girl with her first love letter. I signed up for this thing a month ago and it's taken this long to get hooked up.

I could have had it last week, but we're moving the computer into the front living room and the living room was full of boxes for the yard sale, so we had to have the yard sale FIRST before I could get the cable modem installed.

Which means...after today...my home office becomes the baby's room.

I've kinda got mixed emotions. I've been in this little "office" (i.e. third bedroom) for eight years. This used to be my room where I could just come and get away from the wife and read and listen to music.

Then, in 1996 when we bought a computer, it became my computer room. I've spent more time in this room than any other room in the house for the last four years.

Tomorrow...my office moves to the front of the house. A much bigger room, but not nearly as private and cozy.

Ah well...should be pretty cool. I'll have a TV, loveseat, all my CDs and a playpen out there for the baby.

Anyway...I'm thrilled shitless in case you're so blind you couldn't figure that out.

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My boss is on vacation in Germany for two weeks. I love my boss, but on Tuesdays (deadline day) he gets on my nerves something fierce.

He's nearing 60 and has THE WORST time navigating himself around a computer, yet he INSISTS on pitching in and doing his share of the work involved in getting a paper out.

I've always wanted to say "Bob ...let me do it. I'm 200 times faster than you and we can all get out of here a whole lot quicker if you'd step aside and let me put your pages together."

But...it's probably the only joy he gets each week and I'm not about to piss on his parade.

Soooo...I'm hoping that with him gone, we can get through with the paper about 2-3 hours quicker today.

We'll see...

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June is shaping up to be such a cool month for me.

First...the yard sale...it's OVER and we made over a grand which shocked the shit out of most everyone I told. It also inspired three people to have their own yard sales.

Second...the cable modem. Ironically, ever since I got this new computer, my "bookmarks/favorites" aren't nearly as vast as the old computer's were. So I spend much less time on the computer than I used to.

Still...now I'll spend even LESS time because I'll be a flying mofo around the 'net.

God...it'll be SO NICE to not have to deal with Mindspring anymore and its random disconnecting for no reason.

And third...the ultrasound to determine the sex of the baby is next Thursday. To say we're excited about that is an understatement.

To say we're more excited than anybody over anything ever in the history of mankind would be an overstatement.

So I'll refrain from trying to say much of anything about it.

Still...we're both giddy. We're kinda both hoping for a girl, but damn...a boy would be pretty cool too. Both have their advantages.

Of course...you people will be the first to know.

I read Icebear'saccount of the day Icebear Jr. was born yesterday and it brought a tear to my eye.

Not because he's a prolific and emotional writer (heh...just pokin' at ya, son). But man...the slightest little thing dealing with kids sets me off these days.

To see the pic of his little beautiful boy just got me thinkin'...I've got one of those coming in five months.

I've been waiting soooooo long for this baby. I'm sure I've stressed that point enough here lately. But this is going to be sooooo cool.

I'm probably going to suck as a good daddy. I'll spoil the kid. I'll pamper the kid. I'll teach it bad things for my own amusement. I'll laugh when it blurts out a curse word rather than punish it.

But I'll love that kid to death and make it my number one priority.

That's GOTTA count for something.

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My face is peeling.

After being in the sun most of Saturday, my skin tone took on a new darker shade. I'd say I'm the same color as Halle Berry now.

Except my nose, which looks like a leper's nose.

I put some of that aloe stuff on it yesterday and that made it at least look better. But it still hurts a bit.

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My column this week sucks.

I spent all afternoon on it yesterday. I wrote about Father's Day, but there were so many different routes I wanted to take the column, and I ended up just taking the easy route rather than the more rewarding routes.

I kinda wanted to write about my newfound love for my Dad after he almost died last month. But I had written a mushy column for Mother's Day last month and two mushy non-funny columns in a month's period is a little much.

Then I wanted to write about this being the last Father's Day that I'm NOT a father.

I ended up writing a bunch of stupid little "Father's Rules". "Here's what I learned from my father and will use for my own child..." stuff.

To wit:

*The best way to get a child to understand the word "no" is to say it with a belt in your hand.

* Children learn early on that the easiest way to get a father's undivided attention is to punch him in the groin.

* A stitch in time saves nine. But a stitch in the head will run you about 300 bucks.

...That kinda stuff.

I struggled for five hours with that thing. Which is an embarrassingly long time to spend on a goofy little column.

Ah well. In case you haven't noticed...I'm back in my humor slump. These slumps are coming more fast and furious these days.

I guess I'm getting older and wiser.

Finally.

If it's humor you're looking for, check out Brad Pitt's diary.

That guy can run circles around me as far as humor goes.

That doesn't mean you should quit coming here though. I've just fallen off the humor horse. I'm sure I'll get back on.

In fact...I have an entry in my head that will be a gut buster. I would have written it here today, but I'm outta time.

Just yer luck, eh??

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