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09:49:11 - 2000-06-21

I WISH I COULD SCREW ALLLL OF YOU IN MY DREAMS

I have been having the most vivid and LONG dreams lately.

Sunday night I dreamt I was scheduled to headline a comedy club in a small town in Illinois. I had to drive all the way up there (a 16 hour drive)and everyone I knew drove there too to see me do my act.

Trouble was...I didn't have an act. It's been 14 years since I did stand-up and I doubt the people were up for Jim McMahon jokes.

Boy...was my face red as I stood on stage in silence.

Andy Kaufman woulda been proud.

Monday night, I dreamt that I got into pro wrestling.

My first act was to come out and attack Vince McMahon (the owner of the WWF) with a cookie sheet while he did an interview on TV.

I did it. I beat the living shit out of him with a cookie sheet.

Except, MY ATTACK wasn't fake. I was wearing that poor old man OUT!

Then last night...I dreamt that I met up with an internet buddy (who shall remain nameless....BUT...she called me on Monday night in real life...so she knows who she is). In the dream, I went to her house, which was practically a shack. Her husband was playing poker with a bunch of buddies and for SOME REASON, I needed a shower.

Well...guess who showed up to help wash my back??

Yep.

With her husband not 20 feet away with all his poker buddies.

We didn't have SEX in the shower...but...well...there was an AWFUL lot of rubbing and sliding slippery flesh around.

An AWFUL lot.

Then...the dream kept going, which is always too cool. Because don't ya just hate it when you're having a good sex dream, you wake up and the dream is over and you can't go back to it???

Well...all three dreams, I kept waking up and going back to sleep and resuming the dreams with the dreams literally lasting hours.

Last night's dream ... after the shower, my friend and I were going to go to town, so we walked out of her house and all of a sudden we were in the woods, ala "Blair Witch Project".

I was holding onto her shirt tail as she tried to get us out of the woods. It was dark and I couldn't see a thing, but I kept hearing children's voices in the distance.

Finally...we get out of the woods and go to a party in town.

I wake up.

It's 2:21 a.m.

I go right back to sleep.

NOW...it's her, me and a dark haired friend of hers. We're driving around Illinois (WHY ILLINOIS?!?!?)and we start talking about the shower.

Her dark haired friend says..."We really need to get past all this sex stuff."

I played dumb and said "Look...we showered together. No big deal. We HAVEN'T had sex, and we're not having sex...okay???"

Everyone agreed it was cool...no sex between the three of us.

Well...five minutes pass, and I change my mind.

"Ya'll wanna get a hotel room and have sex??" I ask.

They both said yes.

We got a hotel room and NOBODY had sex. We just ummmmmm...got naked and played.

Fun, fun, fun.

So THEN we decide to say our goodbyes afterwards, since my Internet friend lives on the other side of the country.

We're standing in a street and she throws me her panties (which were HUGE...much bigger than she needed) and some Polaroids that she had snapped of the two of them when I wasn't looking.

I asked her for a hug and a kiss in the middle of the street and she wrapped her legs around my waist and started ... ummm...crotch humping me.

Whooofreakinhoooooo.

OF course...we didn't have full blown intercourse in my dream, because I have my morals dammit and they stay with me in my dreams. She's married, I'm married and it just wouldn't be cool.

They dropped me off near the mall at my house and I never saw them again.

Okay...I hate diaries that go into detail about their dreams. But all three of these have occupied HOURS of my sleep.

And I've been waking up the next day EXHAUSTED.

I've always been a morning person...but the last three mornings, my ass has been DRAGGING.

*cough*

Like you really give a shit, huh???

IN OTHER NEWS...

WHOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

I dunno if I've ever mentioned it, but last year I was hired to write two books.

The first book, I had written half of it when the book was cancelled. I got paid handsomely for the work completed and was cool with it.

Then they called and asked me to write a second book. The second book was MUCH MORE boring and harder to write. Essentially, it was a bunch of business profiles on corporations in Alabama.

I wrote about a quarter of that book and finally had to bow out. From the time I signed the contract to the time I quit writing it, my work load at the newspaper had changed significantly and I no longer had the time needed to devote to writing the book.

I was owed $900 for the work I did on the second book.

That was last November.

I never got paid that $900.

I didn't push the issue because I didn't really need the money. I mean...it's not like a paycheck that I was COUNTING on. It was just extra money.

So last week, I called the company and left a voice mail saying "Hey...where's my damned money" since we're having a baby and all. Figured that 900 bucks would come in handy now.

Got a call yesterday.

The check's in the mail.

WHOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!

Down payment on a new car for the wife!!!

(Bob does his happy dance, accidently hits his head on the coffee table (( It's a very STRANGE happy dance, mind you)) and passes out for a few short minutes)

Where was I??

Oh yes...money money money money.

Anyway...combined with the yard sale money and the tax returns that should be here any day now, we'll have close to three grand to put down on a car.

Three grand that we didn't have two weeks ago.

Christ.

Is it any wonder why I'm so goshdarned happy all the time???

GOD LOVES ME!!!!

Or somebody does anyway. I just hope this good fortune lasts until my dying day.

I ate a ton of chocolate yesterday and felt ill last night.

Heh. Once again...LIKE YOU GIVE A SHIT...

Susie's taking my car to some mechanic friends of hers today. I've got an oil leak somewhere in the car and they're going to try and find it.

Which means I'm without a car today, unless I wanna drive her '76 Impala.

Which means... I'm without a car.

And finally...the Bug Man is coming today. Which means 30 minutes of listening to some poor schmoe who hates his job prattle on and on about cockroaches.

My life is SOOOO exciting.

*grin*

Have a great day, you fine looking bitch. Uncle Bob loves ya!!!

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