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10:35:08 - 2000-06-28

UNCLE BOB IS A RACIST SCUMBAG...SORT OF...

I know you missed me

I know you missed me

I know you missed me bliiiiiind....

...Sorry...in a Culture Club kinda mood today.

I just downloaded this mix of "Miss Me Blind" and "It's a Miracle" that I used to play when I was a deejay and have wanted to find ever since I got on Napster.

Props out to Marktello2000, who happened to be the only guy on the Web who had it.

You rock, Marky Mark. If you were here right now, I'd give ya a heterosexual kiss on the smackers!

That's all the news I have for ya...THANK YOU!! GOOD NIGHT!!!!

(Bob bows politely while bouquets of roses are thrown upon the stage to thunderous applause. He blows armloads of kisses to his legions of fans, goes to walk off stage, misjudges his steps and falls into the orchestra pit, cutting his head most severely)

Shit. That hurt.

So ... I printed the ultrasound pic in the paper this week ...which made the women I work with very uneasy.

"How can you do this to your wife," Jill said.

"What?" I asked, wondering what the hell she meant. Thus ... the "What?" comment.

"Printing her ultrasound picture in the paper. This is extremely personal."

"No, it's not, you buffoon," I snorted. "We are both tremendously excited about this event and are ready to share it with the world."

"Well," Jill thought. "I think it's tacky."

Okay. That put an inkling of doubt in my mind. So I called Susie, who laughed and told me to put it in the paper.

Dumbass Jill.

OH!!

Susie got offered a promotion with the company.

But it would mean moving to Portland, Oregon.

Does any of my Army live in Portland???

I don't think we're going to accept the position. I mean...she's almost five months pregnant...she has a doctor here...a church family...her real family (ugh...don't remind me)... and friends.

With a baby, NOW is NOT the time to be moving. Moving to a strange city ... there'd be no baby showers...no one to watch the baby...no doctor that knows her condition...blah blah blah.

Plus it rains something like ten months out of the year. Personally, I like the rain. She hates it. It depresses her.

So...we're going to stay uncultured in Alabama.

Oh yeah...and there's a lot of Asian people there.

Now...at the risk of offending some of my Asian soldiers...

I have a fear of Asians. Asianphobia I think it's called.

It's true! It's true!

There are two reasons why Asians scare me.

1) The old kid's joke "Me Chinese, me play joke, me go pee-pee in your Coke."

As a child, I thought ALL Chinese people peed in Cokes. I swear to you, whenever I saw an Asian as a child, that was the first thing I thought..."Here comes the pee drinkers" and I'd hide my Coke in fear.

2) The second...and this one scarred me for life...some of you older soldiers may remember this one...

There used to be a kid's show on Saturday mornings with Kukla, Fran and Ollie. Fran was this woman who hung out with these amazingly stupid hand puppets named Kukla and Ollie.

Every Saturday morning, they'd show a little movie from somewhere around the world.

My favorite was a movie from Japan called "Fatty and Skinny".

But ...it was also the movie that struck fear in my heart.

Fatty and Skinny were two misfits from Japan. Fatty was overweight and Skinny was normal in my book, just a little on the thin side.

All the Asian kids at school made fun of Fatty. These kids were fucking HORRIBLE towards Fatty. For the life of me, I can't remember exactly what they did (maybe I've conveniently blocked it from my memory), but the kids were terribly mean to the fat little son of a bitch.

Skinny was his only friend, and Skinny was constantly fighting Fatty's battles for him because Fatty was a sensitive fat kid.

Just...

Like...

Your Old....

......

...Uncle Bob.

So I related big time to Fatty. I got picked on because I was a husky little kid. Kids would call me mean names like "Uncle Blob" and "Blobbo...the Fat Uncle Guy".

Things like that.

So, in my warped little chubby mind, I decided that all Asians were mean, mean, MEAN people who never cut fat kids any slack.

Except for the fat Asian kids.

Which...there weren't any. Just Fatty. And he was just a movie character.

Not that I ever saw any Asians growing up. I grew up in Elmwood, Illinois, population 2,000. We didn't even have any blacks in the town, let alone Asians.

All white.

Which perpetuated my fear of Asians even more. Since I never saw them, my feeble mind developed this horrifying fear of them.

Now, as an adult, I realize that Asians aren't going to try and trip me because I'm overweight or throw rocks at me like they did poor, poor Fatty.

And I've even had Asian friends as an adult.

...Okay...that's a lie. I've never befriended an Asian.

Sinnamonis probably the closest I've ever come to trusting and being friends with an Asian...and let's be honest...she's hardly Asian looking anymore...even though she was much more Asian looking as a kid.

And Michelle is a sweet person who I doubt would ever try to hold me down and hit me in my fat gut while calling me "Fatty" over and over again.

But they both probably woulda given me nightmares as a kid, had we grown up together.

Heh.

I realize I haven't been the most politically correct and sensitive bastard today.

But hey, you asked.

Well ... you didn't really ask, I guess.

But I told.

I feel kinda bad now. Let me try to awkwardly back pedal here for the benefit of my soldiers of Asian descent.

I'M NO LONGER SCARED OF YOU!!

"Fatty and Skinny" was ONLY A MOVIE.

NOT ALL ASIANS ARE MEAN TO FAT KIDS!!

I'M NO LONGER A FAT KID!!

I CAN HANDLE MYSELF QUITE WELL IN A FIST FIGHT WITH AN ASIAN AND HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR!!

Shit.

Where's Skinny when I need him??

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