THE SEMI BIG-DAY

Well...today's the semi-big day.

It's not the BIG DAY. You know...THE BIG DAY.

But it's still a big day. Just not THE BIG DAY.

This would be about an 85% BIG DAY. Almost 100% BIG DAY, but not quite.

The day I find out if my kid's gonna have a woo-woo or a hoo-hah.

Of course...everybody who's anybody will be checking in tomorrow to find out the peckerage status of my child.

If it's a boy, I hope he's hung like a horse. God knows I don't want him to go through the same grief yer ol' Uncle Bob did in gym class.

*cough*

Not that I had the littlest dick in gym class. Thank God I didn't.

That honor was given to Ralph Ziemer.

That boy was hung like an ant.

God, the other kids used to make fun of him and his practically non-existant penis. I think he may have taken two showers after gym class at the beginning of the year and learned real quick that he'd rather walk around and stink of sweat all day, earning the nickname of "Stinky" then have everyone staring at his crotch in the showers.

I'll admit...I peeked just to see what the hubbub was all about. I'll never forget how truly tiny that little thing was. It looked like a licorice crumb hanging off his groin.

There I go again...talking this trash and God will probably curse me with a little dicked kid.

Y'know...He works in mysterious ways. Ralph Ziemer's dad probably joked about his unborn son's tiny penis on his website back in the 60s too and God socked it to him as well.

Sooooo...I ordered my very first item off the Web last night in a fit of anger.

I went to the mall to look for the DVD of "Kentucky Fried Movie". It was supposed to be released on Tuesday.

Nobody had it.

And the snippy little bastard at Suncoast Video said it wasn't EVER coming out because it wasn't on his precious little "To Be Released" list.

Here's the conversation ... word for word... between me and Snippy Boy.

ME: "Hi. I'm a friendly consumer! Do you have "Kentucky Fried Movie" on DVD?"

SNIPPY BOY: "Let me check...nope...it's not on my precious little list.

ME: "But...it was written up in Entertainment Weekly last week and it's currently for sale on Amazon.com. It was scheduled for release on Tuesday."

SNIPPY BOY: "You're a g-damned liar. And I think you're hallucinating and full of shit.""

ME: "But...but...but...."

SNIPPY BOY: (Hitting me with a broom over the head) "Out of my store, you lying sack of shit!!!"

ME: "Ow! Ow! Ow! Please quit hitting me with that broom, Snippy Boy!!"

SNIPPY BOY: "I AM SNIPPY BOY!!! DO NOT CROSS ME AND SUGGEST THAT I DON'T HAVE EVERY SINGLE VIDEO AND DVD CURRENTLY ON THE MARKET!!!"

....It was an ugly sight as you can see ...

So I came home and ordered the damned thing off Amazon.

Now I get to sit and get all panicky, thinking some yoohoo in New York is walking around with my credit card number, charging up massive amounts of hookers and blow.

My buddy Billy, who I spoke about here earlier this week calls me yesterday.

Now that I've got this Napster thingie, it seems I've become the shining beacon in the man's life.

As I told you, he still deejays. This Saturday he has a wedding to do.

Before each function, he asks the people throwing the shindig to provide him with a list of songs they DEFINITLY want to hear.

Before, if they asked for a song Billy didn't have, he had to go out and buy the entire disc for that one song.

Now that his buddy Uncle Bob has Napster and a cable modem...well gee whilikers...let's just give ol' Uncle Bob a ringie dingie.

So I downloaded the songs he wanted, including one OBSCURE song...(Big Al Downing??? I've never heard of that guy ... but there he was on Nappy) so Billy is once again a happy camper.

I told him for $1,300 he could have his very own Napster hookup.

Yeah right. Billy can't even figure out how to turn his TV on, let alone maneuver through the Internet.

He snickered and put it best.

"Why should I pay $1,300 when I've got you?"

Well Billy Boy...why should I charge you 40 cents per disc when I could easily charge you $20??

...Because I'm Uncle Bob...nice guy...

Remember???

And finally...the Bug Man came yesterday.

I swear to GOD he pulled up a chair AGAIN, sat down and started telling me his problems.

Apparently he has two Rottweiler puppies that are chewing up EVERYTHING in his house.

So I had to listen to that shit.

THEN, I let him go to the back of the house, which I don't normally have him spray because ... well...I just don't.

And he sees all these pictures hanging on the wall with me and these stars that I've met.

So he wants to talk about them.

Cool. I'm always willing to brag about all the stars I've met.

So I'm telling him about my interview with Ray Charles where I "pissed" Ray off.

I used the phrase "Pissed Ray off."

How was I supposed to know El Buggo was a devout Christian who was offended by the word "pissed"?

So then I get a five minute lecture on all this Christian ministry stuff my Bug Man is involved with.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Yep.

God rules...yep...He sure does....

I wanted to say ... "You know...if God loves you so much, why'd He make you a bug man?"

But I didn't. Those Christian Bug Men can be pretty testy at times.

(I'm Catholic and believe in God, for those of you panicking that I'm a Satanist. I just believe God is ALL FORGIVING and doesn't mind a little ribbing every now and then)

Alright...that's enough of my jabbering for one day. Make sure you come back tomorrow to find out if it's a boy or a girl or a hermaphrodite.

...I'm kidding, God...I'm kidding...