I'M THE LUCKIEST BOY MICHAEL JACKSON HAS NEVER TAKEN A SHINE TO

Hey you.

Out there in the cold, getting naked, getting old, can you feel me?

...Sorry...listening to too much Pink Floyd lately...

Whaddap? Nada here.

Hey...I found ten bucks yesterday.

It's true! It's true!

Maggie and I were going for our afternoon walk and I looked down and saw a ten dollar bill.

Luckily, Maggie didn't see it, or she would have eaten it.

...Maggie's my dog. She'll eat other dog's shit ... I seriously doubt she'd draw the line at paper money.

So I grabbed it, shoved it in my pocket and kept walking.

About ten steps later, I kinda felt guilty.

Somebody lost ten bucks and now I had it.

But how do you find the rightful owner to a ten dollar bill? Damned near everyone that you ask "Did you lose ten dollars" is going to say "Hell yes, I lost ten dollars."

You can't ask people to prove it's their ten dollar bill unless their name is written on it.

So ... I now have ten dollars.

Whooofreakinhoooooo.

Dad got out of the hospital yesterday finally.

I talked to my sister first who said Sunday was an ugly day. Dad ... who is the rock of the family ... just laid in his bed and cried.

He wanted OUT of the hospital. Apparently, and I didn't know this about Dad...but he was getting extremely claustrophobic at the hospital.

He told me Sunday morning when they close the doors and turn out all the lights at night, he couldn't take it. It was freaking him out.

I didn't think anything of it. I mean...c'mon Dad...it's a hospital room. Nothing to freak out over, you imbecile.

But apparently, 11 days in the hospital took its toll on him.

Anyway, he's home now. Mom took him to the grocery store for a quick shopping trip.

He fell asleep in the car on the way home from that.

He had a craving for wings from his favorite little tavern, so they went over there for wings last night.

He about passed out before the wings got to the table.

I guess it takes a while to get all that codeine and morphine and sleeping pills to get out of your system.

I guess.

I don't know for sure. I ain't no doctor.

So quit emailing me with all your ailments.

*cough*

Anyway...a good thing to come out of all this...Dad has swore off cigarettes and beer.

Whooohoooo!

Now it's just strictly cigars and whiskey.

I'm kidding, you dumb bunny. He ain't doing crap anymore.

Of course, Mom's still smokes like a New Mexico brush fire.

Each morning she has a 30-minute hacking spell that makes her turn all red and her eyes water.

...Gotta love them smokes, baby ...

Oh...and Mom read her Mother's Day column yesterday that I wrote for her.

She said she got a few tears in her eyes.

Cold assed bitch. The column made grown men weep and she had a "few tears in her eyes".

That's the last Mother's Day Column I write for her.

I've got the beginnings of a zit on my chin.

One of those zits that you can't see, but it's painful to touch.

Of course...I have to sit and touch it repeatedly.

And now...the Top Ten Things I Keep Saying As I Touch My Zit:

10) "Shit, this hurts."

9) "Dammit, this smarts."

8) "Hellfire, this zit is killing me."

7) "Sonofabitch, I wish this zit would go away."

6) "Ass-eating whore, I hate zits."

5) "Piss Monkey, when is this zit ever going to pop?"

4) "Groin-Saliva, I'm too old for zits."

3) "Cum-Guzzling-Prom Queen, I wish I could scrape this zit off with a razor blade."

2) "Puppy fucker,I shouldn't have eaten all those Reese's Cups yesterday."

...and the number one thing I keep saying as I stroke my zit....

1) "Owwwww...goddammit....owwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!"

Well, my favorite little human sexual fantasy Anenigma thinks I should sue The Onion for stealing bits and pieces of my diary entry about retarded people at McDonalds.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, go to the bottom of the previous entry. And for God's sakes...start reading this damned page every day, just so you have a clue as to what's going on. You're embarrassing yourself and your family.

I think I'm going to let them slide. I'm sure I'm not the only person to ever see retarded people in McDonalds.

And the only part that really has me up in arms is the "French Fries" chanting.

Except I said that the kid kept chanting "Fren Fry" instead of "French Fries".

Mine was funnier.

Screw The Onion.

Screw 'em, I tell ya.

Have a great day. I'm going to keep my head down and a bandaid on my chin all day so that nobody can tell I have a zit.

Think it'll work??