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10:04:38 - 2000-06-17

UNCLE BOB HAS ANOTHER SHITTY DAY... GRAND TOTAL NOW STANDS AT TWO

I had a dream last night that I could blow myself.

I could lift my right leg up behind my head, position myself correctly, and cram the wang down my gullet.

It wasn't bad, but my wang tasted strange. I didn't actually PERFORM oral sex on myself...I just stuck it in my mouth, found out what it was like to have a penis in my mouth, didn't care for it, took the pecker outta my mouth and woke up.

So...I'm dreaming I can blow myself now. How pathetic.

No...pathetic is sharing that dream with others. Now THAT'S pathetic.

I also had a dream that one of my buddy's girlfriends was hanging all over me at a party.

I don't remember which dream came first. I guess in the grand scheme of things, such trivia shouldn't matter.

MAN!!!

DID I HAVE A SHITTY DAY YESTERDAY OR WHAT?!?

...Of course...you wouldn't know.

Do you WANT to hear about it?!?

Sure you do.

Okay...here goes ...

First...okay...some background...

I switched cable systems on Wednesday. The guy that hooked up my NEW cable box used the electrical cord from my OLD cable box.

So my OLD cable company wants their electrical cord back. They're kinda pissy about things like stealing.

So I call my NEW cable company and tell them that I need one of their electrical cords so the OLD cable company will GET OFF MY ASS.

No problem. Come pick one up.

So yesterday I drive over there...about ten miles outta my way.

"We don't have any electrical cords, Mr. Bob. But we'll have a technician drop one off at your house sometime today."

"I'm not going to be home all day, little lady. Could you page me 15 minutes before you come over."

"Sure thing, Mr. Bob."

Okay...that's not so bad. It gets worse though.

I get to work and the sports editor is freaking.

"Have you checked your tires lately," he asks.

"Why no, Sports Guy...I haven't."

We go out to the parking lot and metal wires are coming out of my tires. It looks like my car was designed by the Marquis De Sade.

So...two new tires...$325.

Not a problem.

I get the new tires and go to get my oil changed.

The mechanic brings me a dipstick that's as dry as Steven Wright's humor.

"Mr. Bob....you have NO OIL in your car."

"Well, my good mechanic...put some in there."

Apparently, I have an oil leak. The mechanic wouldn't even change my oil because as he put it, "it'll all fall out anyway."

So he just filled it with oil and sent me on my way.

Great....now I have to get that fixed. Probably another $300.

I got NO WORK accomplished at the office yesterday because I'm getting a new computer and Mattie Gee needed all day to reconfigure the computer system or some insane jargon like that.

So I decide to go home. I stop and buy a new DVD because dammit...I deserved one.

I had to pick between "Purple Rain" and "Being John Malkovich".

I picked Malkovich.

Damn that movie is weird. It made me uncomfortable to watch because it gave me the creeps.

Good movie...just kinda creepy.

And even though it's billed as a comedy,I never found myself laughing.

I doubt I ever watch it again now. So I'm out 15 bucks.

By 4 p.m., I STILL hadn't heard from the cable people who were supposed to be bringing me a new electric cord.

I lay down on the couch to try and catch a cat nap.

I'm asleep for approximately 20 seconds and the doorbell rings.

Fuckin' cable guy.

"You were supposed to page me first," I casually remind the guy.

"I din't know nothin' 'bout no page," the illiterate bastard informs me.

He brings me a new cable modem.

I lost it.

"I don't need a cable modem," I said through clenched teeth. "I need an electrical cord that plugs into the back of my cable box and into the electrical outlet on the wall so I can get electricity to run through my cable box."

I mean...how difficult is that?!? I've told FOUR people what I needed...and none of them can produce a simple electrical cord.

Einstein deconstructs the situation.

"Your cable guy shoulda brought you one with the box," he drawls.

NO SHIT, JETHRO. THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU PEOPLE FOR THE LAST THREE DAYS. HE USED THE OTHER CABLE COMPANY'S CORD AND NOW, NOW, NOW THE OTHER CABLE COMPANY WANTS THEIR CORD BACK.

So, the brainless wonder has to drive all the way back to the cable company, pick me up an electrical cord from somebody else's truck, and then bring it BACK to me.

THEN the dumbass wants to stand around and talk about the weather.

NO SMALL TALK NEEDED, CORKY. HOOK THE BASTARD UP AND BE GONE WI'CHA BAD SELF.

Soooo....

1) No nap.

2) Lotsa money spent on my damned car.

3) No work done.

4) Weird movie that gave me the heebie jeebies.

And it's not even 5:00.

Susie gets home at 6:30 and wants to go out to eat.

Every single restaurant in town has a wait on Friday night at 6:30.

Where does she want to go???

McAllister's...the new deli in town.

The one with a line of about 2,000 people hanging out the door and six tables inside.

We wait almost 30 minutes for our food. I got a kielbasa sandwich that ummmmmm....errrrr....uhhhhh....didn't sit well with me.

*cough*

What it all boils down to is...I STILL haven't fully recovered from last week's yard sale. I've been sleeping about 4 hours a night ... haven't had a nap since last Saturday ... and I'm ONE CRANKY BASTARD.

...But hey...isn't that what you expect out of me anyway?!?

Oh...added some more people to the Army list on the left.

I've gotten an influx of people wanting to be included in the Army lately and I think I may have accidently forgotten a few.

IF you want your page linked to the left, just email me and I'll do it.

If I don't, it's only because I forgot. Email me again.

EVERYONE'S invited to join the Army. There's no discrimination at all.

I only do it to help YOU get hits. I'm getting a decent amount of hits and just want to share the wealth with you.

So...you know...if your diary isn't over there...man...just email me. I'll put it up.

I promise.

It's that easy.

Now...go answer my Cool Question of the Day and go about your business.

Your work is done here.

Go on soldier.

Scram.

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