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05:26 a.m. - 2001-03-26

GLADIATOR, SHMADIATOR

I overslept.

I don't rely on an alarm clock to wake me up. Haven't for years. My internal alarm clark usually rouses me at 4-4:30 and says "Hey Uncle Bob ... if you don't get up now, you won't be able to get a quality diary entry posted in time before the wife and bambino get up and need you to dote all over them."

So I wake up at 4:20. I roll over to my nightstand to light up a fattie, since, you know...it was 4:20, dude... before I realize I don't smoke the weed anymore.

So I laid there awake. With every intention of getting out of bed at 4:30.

Next thing I knew...it was 5:20.

I threw my internal alarm clock across the room, which bruised my cheekbone and gave me a slight concussion and now I'm here.

Hi!


My preacher emailed me about a week ago, asking if I could videotape this little girl being dedicated to the church on Sunday.

I emailed him back and told him my fees for such an event.

He balked at first and asked if I could possibly do it for free.

I got a little pissed because I really wanted the extra cash, but decided to do it for free anyway, since I'm the official videographer for the church, because I have the nicest camera.

So I show up at church, get my tripod set up, get the camera ready, mess with different angles, etc.

The parents of the child getting dedicated to the church have brought along a set of grandparents.

...Who brought their OWN video recorder.

Okay.

I did NOT lose it. I did NOT get up, smack the old man in the head and say "I think I can handle this, Bub."

I DIDN'T.

But man...I sure did shoot him a few dirty looks.

Bastard.

Bringing a video camera in the church.

What the HELL is wrong with that guy?!?!

I'M THE OFFICIAL VIDEOGRAPHER, YOU ... YOU ... YOU AMATEUR WANNABE!!!

I'm tellin' ya...some people in this town are just cruisin' for a bruisin'.

I really should have taken him out. Right there in front of everyone. I shoulda just cold cocked the sonofabitch in the back of the head right there in the middle of church.

I DIDN'T.

But I shoulda.


After church, we went to Toys "R" Us to purchase a gift card for our friend Patricia, who's going to be giving birth to a little girl on Friday (induced...that's how we know when it'll be).

We were going to spend $50 on a gift card.

We spent $145.

Guess who got loaded down with cool toys yesterday???

No...not me.

(sigh)

That damned Andy, that's who.

He got a...wait...lemme go get the correct name, because I call it the "Plaything of Death"(TM)...

It's a Fisher Price Sound and Lights Portable Entertainer.

I know...it sounds like Sammy Davis Jr. in a box, but it's not.

It's like this big assed bug that Andy sits in the middle of and does some crazy assed things like spin balls and look in a mirror and spin another ball and listen to songs and watch little lights go on and off.

Andy's a sound and light baby. Screw all the ball shit. Give him some "Farmer In The Dell" and a blinking yellow light and he's hypnotized for hours.

He also got a "Sing and Giggle" Piglet doll, which now means that he has a stuffed animal of every Pooh character available. For some reason, I thought that was imperative. It completes the collection. Granted ... he's almost five months old and doesn't really fully grasp the concept of "collections"...but I'm sure when he's in his 20s, he'll lean over to me as I'm in my deathbed and say "Hey Dad...thanks for that Piglet, dude. It completed my collection."

Then he'll say "By the way ... I'm the one who poisoned your big ass."

Oh. And he got his first pair of baby sunglasses. He thinks he's so cool with them on. His big toothless grin just erupts across his face when we put the shades on him.

I've got to admit...he looks an awful lot like Fabio with them on.

That is...if Fabio had no hair, no teeth and wore baby sunglasses.

...And was about five months old.

...And shit his pants and threw up all over himself a lot.

Other than that...dead ringer, baby...

So Susie and I pull this Sound and Lights Personal Entertainer thing out of the box and it's in about 783 different pieces.

I've gotta say ... I absolutely HATE putting things together. Especially when they're not for my personal satisfaction.

But Andy seemed to be all excited about getting the chance to stand up inside a big assed ladybug, so I sighed and got the cordless screwdriver.

At one point, we reached a standstill. For the life of us, we couldn't get a bolt to go through one of the holes correctly.

That ate up about 30 minutes of our time as we fumbled around like idiots trying to get this bolt through the contraption.

Susie finally figured it out while I sat there and looked about as dumb as a brick.

After 90 minutes of messing with this kid's toy, we got it all put together.

We put Andy in it.

He's good for about two minutes and then he just bursts into tears.

When you have a baby, this unusual behavior comes naturally. The baby can be happy as hell one minute and the earth could be caving in the next.

Susie goes to lift him out of the Contraption of Death(TM)and he bids farewell to his new toy by hurling all over it.

I guess the excitement of the toy got his stomach racing and it all came flying up his esophagus.

We haven't put him back in the thing yet. He looked at it a few times, but I think he's still a little short for it, since his feet barely grazed the floor when he was in it.

He'll grow into it.

And then quickly grow out of it.


Watched the Oscars last night.

I really don't know why, except to gauge Steve Martin's job as host.

I thought he did okay. I was a big Steve fan back in the 70s. Must have seen "The Jerk" about a hundred times. Bought all his albums. His first book "Cruel Shoes" inspired me to switch from writing songs to writing humor.

I'm still waiting to write something humorous.

His best line was about "Hidden Tiger, Crouching Dragon". In case you didn't see it...it went something like this...

"I went and saw Hidden Tiger, Crouching Dragon. And I didn't see a single tiger or dragon anywhere in the film. And then I remembered...that's because they're all hidden and crouching."

Susie and I laughed for ten minutes after that line. It was so stupid and absurd...but hey...that's Steve.

The only film that I saw that was nominated for anything was "Almost Famous" which won a screenplay award towards the end of the show.

I have this thing about movies. I only like movies that take place in the last...oh...say 50 years or so.

"Gladiator"?? Can't get into it. I never witnessed gladiators fighting lions in my life, so I get lost as soon as the opening credits are over.

And Russell Crowe? God...that guy came off as a dick in my book. At the beginning when Steve was doing his jokes, Crowe just sat there and stared at Steve menacingly when Steve would make a joke about him. GET OVER IT, SOUR PUSS! I was rooting against the bastard at the end of the show, and then when he won Best Actor, well, I've gotta admit...I slapped myself in the forehead and yelled "DOH!!"

Anyway, if a movie takes place before 1950 or even in the future, count me out, baby. I have no interest in it if that's the case.

I'm serious. I know you don't believe me ... but I'm serious, dammit.

Okay.

I thought "Titanic" was alright. But that's only because well...I think Leo is dreamy.

(Uncle Bob swoons, clutching his hands to his heart)

Alright...that's enough. I've got shit to do and I'm just wasting time here professing my adulation for Leo DiCaprio who I don't even like.

How sad is that?


MP3 DOWNLOAD OF THE DAY

PRINCE: "Anything 'rare'"

Napster has finally gotten a little finicky. But if you type in an artist's name and then the word "Rare" in the song title box, you'll get a bunch of rare tracks. And Prince has tons of them. I downloaded a song called "Work That Fat" which was pretty funky. Give it a shot, dudes and dudettes.

DOWNLOAD IT NOW!!!


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