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09:59:58 - 2000-08-12

TOYS FOR TOTS AND NOISE FOR SLUTS

My cuticles are dry and cracking.

Sorry...that's about all the bitching I've got in me today.

Sooooo...guess what???

Yesterday was CHRISTMAS FOR UNBORN ANDREW!!!

Y'see...about a week or so ago, I happened to mention that we had registered at Toys R Us for baby stuffin's on this very here website.

Then, I get a message from Pip saying she had actually BOUGHT Andrew something.

And it arrived at the house yesterday.

...Along with six other gifts!!!!

Sooooooooooo....now I feel loved....my unborn baby feels love (and a little bit of heartburn) .... my wife is all giddy and can't shut up about the baby...and life is GREAT!!

So thank you Wendylooooooo, Icebear, Kittikity and Pippi for the wonderful gifts you sent my baby. They are mucho appreciated.

Each of you will soon be receiving a HAND WRITTEN thank-you card from Uncle Bob which will be suitable for framing. Then you can have friends over and they will eventually walk over to the framed Thank You card and say "What is this?" and you can proudly say "That's a framed thank you card from Uncle Bob...he's pretty cool." And they'll say "Why did you frame a Thank You card?" And you'll stand there for a moment and won't really have an answer for the question so you'll kick them out of your house.

And then you'll feel really bad for kicking friends out of your house because you couldn't come up with an answer to their question.

But you will have my framed Thank You card to console you.

And dammit...trust me...THAT will count for something.

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So...tonight I'm going to go see Quiet Riot.

You remember the Quietest of Riots, don't you??

"Come on Feel The Noise! Girls, rock your boy-hoy-hoys! We'll get wild, wild, wild! Wild, wild, wild!!"

Ummmm...yeah.

Understand one thing...I live in Montgomery, Alabama. We're not exactly the HOTBED for live entertainment.

Once a year, we have our Jubilee Cityfest, which some of you may remember me prattling on and on about in late May.

Other than that...live entertainment is slim here.

So when Quiet Riot, those one-hit wonders from 1983 stop by the city, rock and rollers PERK UP!!!

...Actually....the ONLY reason I'm going is because my boys The Spicolis are opening for Quiet Riot.

I plan on hearing one song from Quiet Riot and then leaving. It's kind of a silent protest of mine. The promoter putting on the concert is on my shit list and has been for about a year. I don't wanna support this guy in any way, shape or form.

I'm supporting The Spicolis.

That's it.

The promoter can kiss my ass.

Although...being cheesy 80s music...there should be plenty of our resident sluts hanging around trying desperately to look like groupies. So that might be worth watching.

*******************************************

Yesterday was my intern Allison's last day.

Not too sad, really. I gave her a little hug goodbye which kinda freaked her out, I think.

Took her to lunch at her favorite pizza place. It's a little hippie joint that makes organic pizzas that are DELICIOUS!!!

So now my intern's gone.

******************************************

I got a pair of scissors in the mail yesterday.

They were sent as a promotional item, inviting me to come and participate in a ribbon cutting event for a new Country Club.

Which means only ONE THING.

...I got a pair of scissors in the mail yesterday.

********************************************

IF I tell you guys something, you PROMISE not to laugh??

PROMISE???

Okay...

I'm seriously thinking about writing a series of children's books.

Uh huh.

Uncle Bob warping the minds of children.

I have ALWAYS been told that if I ever attempted to write a children's book, I could do a decent job.

I never took that advice seriously until recently.

So anyway...here's my idea.

A group of talking animals that live in The Hooberry Blueberry Zoo.

A monkey, a peacock, a giraffe, an owl, a snake, an elephant, an ostrich, and a lion.

Of course, other animals would come and go in each book, but these would be the core group of characters.

Each book, they could get into some crrrrrazy adventures.

Like they could all be wondering what life outside the zoo would be like, so one night they sneak out and go to the movies and to a restaurant.

And hilarity WOULD ensue!!!

Soooooo...I have one problem...other than the fact that I have no one to publish this children's series yet...

I need an illustrator.

I can doodle, but it's not anything that could fly in a book.

I'm looking for cartoon images of animals. A cartoon elephant or lion or monkey would be a great way to start.

If'n ya know anybody that is an illustrator or can hook me up with such a person, email me and let me know.

My main concern...call it greed...is in the MARKETING of The Hooberry Blueberry Zoo.

I want small children TORTURING their parents into buying them the latest Stanley Snake talking plush animal.

Or The Hooberry Blueberry Zoo's latest video.

Or bedsheets.

Or lunch box.

Or money in my pocket.

Get the drift??

Marketing is the key to success.

Lookit Dr. Seuss. Out of all the books he wrote, only ONE had a character that he could market.

The Cat in the Motherfuckin' Hat.

THINK how much more he could have done with a "Sam I Am" doll.

Or rubber Green Eggs and Ham.

With eight characters, kids would have to have ALL EIGHT dolls, so they could have their OWN zoo.

Granted this thought came to me last week when we were registering for baby items at Toys R Us, and the overwhelming amount of Winnie The Pooh stuff stared me in the face.

Did I tell you some people sent me baby gifts yesterday?

*********************************************

QUESTION OF THE WEEKEND

Who was the biggest bully you ever had to face?

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