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09:14:29 - 2000-08-29

WITH A SNIP SNIP HERE AND A SNIP SNIP THERE...HERE A SNIP...THERE A SNIP...EVERYWHERE A SNIP SNIP

HALLLLLELUJAH!!

Angels?

HALLLLLELUJAH!!

Choir?

HALLLLLELUJAH!!

HALLLLLELUJAH!!

HALLLLLEEEEEE-LUJAH!!

Childbirth classes are OVAHHH!!!

I hated high school.

I despised college.

But there are NO WORDS to describe how I felt about childbirth classes.

Over the last five weeks, every Monday night I have been subjected to listen to a yuppie woman ramble on and on about her life, her husband, her children and her nice home.

I wasn't the only bored one in the classroom. Every week, I noticed more and more people jumping on my bandwagon...the bored bandwagon.

The first week, we had to watch a video of three women giving birth.

I didn't think it could get any worse than that.

Well guess what, kids?

It gets worse.

MUCH WORSE.

Okay...you're sitting there in your little world thinking "Gee whiz, Uncle Bob...how much worse can it get? I mean...watching ugly women give birth ... that's gotta be the scariest video imaginable."

Two words, kids.

Video circumcision.

Why in GOD'S NAME did we have to watch an infant getting his pecker mangled is beyond me.

I'm circumsized. I don't personally remember the operation. But if I had any say-so in the matter, you can bet your sweet ass, I would be sporting the uncut look proudly, believe you me.

Andrew is going to be circumsized.

Or at least he WAS going to be circumsized. Hell ... I thought I felt bad getting my dog neutered in high school. THIS doesn't hold a candle to that.

I guess I'm still going to have to get Andy circumsized. But I wanna be in Europe when they do it. Because I don't want this kid holding me responsible in any way.

ANDY: "Daddy...why did you let the doctor put my pecker in a vise and slice it open like a hot dog?"

ME: "Holy shit son! They did that??? I told them to give you a rattle ... not split your prick! I'm sorry, boy...I was in Europe at the time. But you better believe, had I been on the same continent, this woulda NEVER happened."

This was THE MOST DISGUSTING VIDEO I have ever seen. Well...at least since "Fried Green Tomatoes".

There was absolutely NO NEED to show us a circumcision. A circumcision is something that only sadistic doctors should enjoy watching. Normal people off the street have NO BUSINESS watching this shit.

Every guy in the room was squirming. Every woman looked at her man and thought ... "I suck THAT?!?"

Except for the women who are married to guys with uncircumsized peckers. And they just sat there and secretly wished they had held out for a circumsized tallywhacker to come along because uncircumsized peckers are...quite frankly ... the devil's dick.

Anyway...apparently, the little tiny baby pecker is put in a VISE.

This was by far the most disgusting thing I had ever seen. They showed the little thing get all red and bloody to the point where YOU COULDN'T TELL what it was anymore.

Now then...what respectable parent would ever be standing there when this operation was going on?

I'm gonna love my baby and wanna be with my baby 24-7. BUT...that will be the one time when I feel confident I can leave my baby in the capable hands of a doctor. It's not like I will have second thoughts about a stranger abusing my baby ... HE WILL BE abusing my baby.

And there's not a whole lot I can do about it.

Anyway ... science has GOT to learn to make a better baby.

Preferably...one without foreskins.

By the way...we had to stare at puffy baby labia as well. Sorry gals...puffy labia has NOTHING over mangled pecker. You don't have to have the labia surgically removed.

I feel like such a horrible dad already.

I'm sorry boy. Society dictates that your pecker doesn't look like a dog dick.

THAT'S why I did it.

***************************************

On the arm front...yesterday my arm itched.

Itched like crazy.

I went to scratch it and it looked like I had a grapefruit hidden in my ace bandage.

Right above my elbow, there's a grapefruit sized bump that is bruised black and blue.

After calling Doc in the Box, I found out that this is apparently "normal".

Normal??

My arm looks like it's been run over...and that's NORMAL??

Then again...this is a profession that doesn't bat an eye when they put a baby penis in a vise and start hacking at it like a blind butcher on crack.

So...that's my arm story.

*************************************

Finally...I've received about 40 emails in the last few days that I haven't been able to respond to, due to time or fucked-up arms.

I am going to TRY and get to your emails ... I promise.

I suck, my arm hurts and my little baby boy's about to have his dick squeezed like a grape and then chopped up like sushi.

I have my reasons for not answering emails.

*******************************************

QUESTION OF THE DAY

Do you prefer your hot dog sliced or normal?

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