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11:57:03 - 2001-03-10

SATAN WORSHIPPING BLOOD-SOAKED DOGS FROM HELL

'Elo kiddies.

I actually had a fairly interesting day yesterday. Well ... not THAT interesting ... but shit actually happened that I found amusing. So let's delve into it ...

Jamie and I went to lunch downtown at a "new" pizza place "Vito's". I say "new", because Vito's used to be open at another location, closed down abruptly and, by all accounts, seemed to be gone for good. Then the owner re-opens the place downtown about a month ago.

It's damned good pizza, so I was kinda excited that Vito's was back. I gave the place a plug in my column two weeks ago, telling readers that if they hadn't been there yet to get down there NOW!

So Jamie and I go down there and the owner is there. The owner's name is Lou, he used to own a real popular nightclub in town called ... get this ... "Lou's" ... back in the 80's and 90's. It was THE PLACE for young people to go to ... big dance floor, huge club, etc.

I worked at Lou's for two nights. I was filling in as deejay for two nights while I deejayed at the other popular club in town "Stagger Lee's". Stagger Lee's appealed to the 30-40 age range because we played oldies there. Lou's appealed to the 20-somethings because they played the hot songs of the day like "Push It", "Funky Cold Medina" and "Word Up".

Am I dating myself??

Anyway ... worked for Lou for two nights. Apparently, I didn't impress him EVEN THOUGH he had nothing but compliments for me during those two nights. I later found out that the guy is just habitually upbeat. He cannot help but smile and dish out compliments to everyone he sees.

So we go to Vito's, he's behind the counter and greets me with a big "HEYYYYYYY!!!"

He doesn't remember my name. That's fine. I worked for him for two nights 13 years ago. I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

He said "Are you still working for the....?" hoping that I would fill in the sentence.

I did.

"The newspaper?" I said. "I sure am!"

"Wow!" he said. "You've been there for two or three years, haven't you?" he asked.

"I've been there eleven years," I informed Lou.

"That long??" he said. "Wow!!!"

The conversation went stiffly like this for a few more minutes. It's always uncomfortable when you're having a conversation with someone and you can't remember their name. Luckily, Lou was in those shoes, not me.

Jamie and I eat our pizza...damned good pizza.

We walk back out to the car to leave and Jamie happened to have a copy of last week's paper in his car. I decided to take it back in and show Lou what I had wrote about his pizza joint.

Took it back in, opened the paper to my column and pointed out the small paragraph I had written about him.

All of a sudden, he remembered my name. Of course, the fact that it was plastered in bold letters at the beginning of the column gave him a helping hand.

Suddenly it was ... "Hey everyone, look what Uncle Bob wrote! Uncle Bob writes for this paper! Uncle Bob wrote he loved our pizza! Uncle Bob, Uncle Bob, Uncle Bob!!"

Heh.

Don't make it obvious Lou.

Anyway, he's going to frame the story and hang it on the wall, or so he says.

All I care about is that next time I go down there, my pizza is free and I'm greeted by name.

Yeah, baby. Free pizza.

Better than sex.


Then I had to go judge this art contest.

It's an unusual art contest in that the art is drawn on the sidewalk out front of the art center in chalk by high school students.

The judges were me and another guy.

The students were given an hour to work on their art and then they were ushered inside.

The other judge and I walked up and down the sidewalk, checking out all the artwork.

There were some seriously disturbed kids there.

One had drawn fiendish looking people with pentagrams on their head and blood everywhere with the words "The slaughter is coming!"

Ummmmm...could we frisk that kid for a gun, por favore?

Another had a man holding a decapitated head in his hand. Once again, blood everywhere, including the man's mouth. Maybe it was a scene from "Hannibal", I dunno. I'm not ignorant enough to actually have paid to see that film.

Needless to say, we couldn't really reward those kids for their artwork. Although I really thought it'd be a hoot to do so.

"And the winner of the contest isss....'Satan Worshipping Blood-Soaked Dogs From Hell'!!!"

All the kids who painted flowers and sunsets woulda been pissed.

First place went to two kids holding hands, standing on top of the world. I know it sounds lame, but the colors were vibrant and it looked a helluva lot better than it sounds. Second place was a woman's face with purple hair. Third place was a buncha colorful squiggles. Once again, these sound really lame, but they were really good.

The other judge and I were arguing over a few of the drawings. I really liked this Grateful Dead artwork that had the Grateful Dead bear walking through a garden of mushrooms and flowers and rainbows ... these kids were definitely tripping while they did that one.

He disagreed and thought it was crap and pointed out that it was the contrast of black and blue that was drawing me into the art.

WTF??

I told the guy that I had judged several contests in the past, from art contests to food contests to beauty contests ... I knew how to be a judge.

He told me he owned an art gallery in town and he knows a thing or two about art.

Ouch.

At that point I laughed and said that yeah...he probably knew more than me about art and I'd go along with whatever his choices were as long as I liked them too.

Which I did.

Man ... for such an interesting day in my book, this diary entry is shaping up to be boring as hell...


BUT...there was a NAKED CHEERLEADER UPDATE!!!

Briefly...for those of you who didn't read this diary last week ... four local cheerleaders got drunk, naked and broke out the digital camera last week and took some pretty obscene photos to try and impress one of the girl's boyfriends.

While we were waiting for the students to finish their artwork yesterday, the other judge and Janie, a friend of mine, started talking about these pictures.

Hell. I thought that nobody knew about the cheerleaders.

Wrong.

Janie tells us that she saw the pictures...they were sent to her from a friend in ATLANTA, and then from a friend in MEMPHIS.

Apparently, these pictures are ALL OVER the internet.

She said they weren't "Playboy" pictures...these were "Hustler" pictures. I said I had heard they were graphic. She said there was lots of oral sex and fingers everywhere.

And NOW the FBI is involved because of the nature of the photos. The FBI thinks that an adult was taking the photos because the girls are all serious looking and not looking like four 14-year-olds having fun while drunk.

Basically, it's child pornography.

The parents are mortified and don't know what to do. And apparently A LOT OF PEOPLE in town know about these pics and thousands have seen them.

One of the cheerleaders is thrilled over this. Her phone has been ringing non-stop from boys wanting to take her out. And it ain't because of her winning personality.

She's wearing it like a badge of honor. Like Janie said "She'll end up being a crack-addicted stripper in four years."

That's so sad.

The other three are ashamed and humiliated.

So little girls reading this diary ... seriously ... keep your clothes on when a digital camera is present unless you totally wanna screw up your life forever.

The whole story started out kinda funny to me. Now it's sick and disturbing.


Talked to Mattie Gee's mom yesterday. She works down at the art gallery where the art show was going on.

We started talking about Mattie Gee and his girlfriend.

I said "Yeah, Matt says he thinks they'll be married by the end of the year and he really wants to have kids."

Mom's shocked because Matt doesn't tell her these things. She LOVES Matt's girlfriend and would love to see them married with children ... but she had no idea they were this serious.

I guess I let the cat outta the bag.

Sorry Mattie Gee.

I thought you mighta told Mom already, since you're always telling me.


Hmmmm...

Susie's hooting like an owl at our baby in the back of the house right now. I guess I'd better go check and see what's going on.

I never said she was a stable woman.


MP3 DOWNLOAD OF THE DAY

ALICE COOPER "Billion Dollar Babies"

Since I've been on an Alice kick the last few days, I felt like spreading the gospel of Alice. It's really dumb rock, but it's one of the songs that I learned how to play air guitar on back in 1975. So it has special meaning to me.

DOWNLOAD IT NOW!!


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