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5:51 a.m. - 2001-09-21

COUNTDOWN TO SYRUPFEST 2001

This has to be quick because I've gotta leave here an hour earlier than normal to go drink that sugary sweet drink and have my blood sugar checked and have the doctor try to tell me serious stuff while I pipe up with all sorts of crazy "sweet" puns.

DOCTOR: "Son, your blood sugar is way too high."

ME: "Well, grab a straw, puncture my arm and start sucking it out. You're a witch doctor, aren't you? Isn't that what my insurance company is paying you for?"

DOCTOR: "I don't think you understand. You're going to have to go on a (gasp) low-fat diet!!!"

ME: (swooning back and forth)"Oh! Somebody catch me, I think I'm going to faint!"

DOCTOR: "Are you making a mockery of having sugar in your urine?"

ME: "No...I'm making a Lemonade Stand, pissing in cups and charging a quarter apiece for a cup of my pee."

DOCTOR: "You are one sad individual."

ME: "Don't forget 'warped' and 'full of sugar pee'."

I know that high blood sugar and diabetes is a serious issue. Trust me on that.

But like I say...if that's ALL I have...I count my blessings.

I'm not going to get all down and mopey about it. For God's sakes...I NEED to be on a low-fat diet.

Hey.

You.

If you're a big ol' fat bitch like me...I want you to visit a friend of mine.

One Fat Man.

I'm going to give the guy a little credit here. I woulda never known he existed except for the fact that he linked me last month and my hit counter rose dramatically and I was all like..."WHOA! What's this??" And I found out the new hits were coming from my fat friend.

This guy's lost something like 800 lbs. He used to be bigger than your average barn. Scientists were trying to give him status as a new planet.

Then he lost the weight. Just one day, he said..."I'm losing the weight."

And he did.

And I've gotta admit...sappy as it sounds...this guy has served as an inspiration to me and it was his story that prompted me to FINALLY go see a doctor.

So...if you're overweight, depressed and want to do something about it or just need to hear how somebody else beat the fat...check out Fred.

You should recognize him...he's the skinny guy on the page.

And what's really cool...he took pictures detailing his weight loss. It's damned near dramatic.

And he's funny too.

A fat funny guy.

How could you NOT love him??


We watched the President's speech to Congress "and the World" last night.

I don't think I'm alone when I say "Could we get maybe ONE MORE STANDING OVATION??"

That's why I never watch State of the Union addresses. The president says one thing...STANDING OVATION. The ovation takes three times as long as whatever he said.

"Good evening my fellow Americans..."

Hey...we're Americans.....STANDING OVATION!!!!

"I come before you tonight to talk about my fight on terrorism."

Hey...we hate terrorism....STANDING OVATION!!!!

"Saddam bin Affleck must face the consequences."

Hey...I hate Saddam bin Affleck....STANDING OVATION!!!!

Susie and I counted for a while and then we got lost. We got up to 17 standing ovations in 22 minutes and decided to call it quits.

I've got a funny feeling this war is going to backfire on Bush.

First off, there WILL be another terrorist attack on America. If I was living in Atlanta, Los Angeles, or Chicago...my ass would be sweating bullets right about now.

So when we lose more Americans as a retaliation for our bombing of wherever...that's more tragedy for the nation.

Second...a LOT of people are going to lose their jobs soon. I'll be honest...I don't plan on keeping my job much longer. I'm okay now...but my business is putting out coffee table books that cost over $50 apiece.

If the country is at war, people are losing their jobs or planes are crashing into them...the whole concept of sprucing up the coffee table with a fancy book is going to fall on the wayside.

I pray I don't lose my job. But I'm also trying to be rational about this.

And seriously...if we lose our jobs, it's not like the job market's going to be flourishing. We're ALL going to be on the unemployment line...nobody will be hiring.

And soon, when enough Americans are out of jobs and it's all because of this war...Americans are going to rise up and say "Enough is enough."

This is what Bush means by saying we're going to have to make "sacrifices" to win the war. He's not being specific on which sacrifices we're going to have to make, but I believe those sacrifices are ... you're going to be dirt poor and eating roasted raccoon for Sunday dinner while the politicians in Washington have their pick of steak or lobster.

I'm poor enough as it is. I don't WANT to be any poorer.

But I think that's going to be the sacrifice for this war.

I think I've added another step to the grieving process.

This one's called "Impending Fear."


Sorry to bum you all out like that...it wasn't my intentions this morning but hey...this is where I'm supposed to write my personal thoughts and those are them.

Here's something to brighten your day...it's FRIDAY!!!!

I'll be back later this afternoon to tell you about my fun-filled day of getting needles shoved in me and drinking corn syrup for laughs.

Stay tuned!

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