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05:18 a.m. - 2001-03-22

MY BORING DAY IN LIVING TECHNICOLOR

Damn. The clock at the top of the page is correct for a change.

Go Andrew!

So like yesterday...I stayed at home with Baby Andy all morning. His fever is gone, but it has to be gone for 24 hours before Daycare will take him back.

Which means, I've gotta party down with a rambunctious four month old all morning.

We jammed. We kicked arse. We watched Disney Playhouse for three hours straight.

He dug "Roly Poly Olie". I didn't see what the big deal was. A buncha freaky computer generated people who get into the most absolute boring adventures. Yesterday, Dad invented some potion that made the young boy disappear.

Everything was resolved in the end, the boy reappeared, ta-fucking-daaaa.

But I'll tell you what...if I accidently made ourbaby boy disappear, my wife would beat my ass until I was crying like a little girl.

Roly Poly Olie's dad got off easy, mister.

Then "The Book of Pooh" came on.

I thought Andy was going to cream his diaper.

This kid LOVES Pooh which is a good thing since practically everything he owns has Pooh on it.

He kicked and kept shooting his arms in the air for 30 minutes as Pooh and his friends got in some sort of jam. His toothless grin wouldn't leave his face the entire time.

I watched Andy as he watched Pooh. Everytime Tigger came on, he'd squeal.

I'm just shocked at four months, this kid can distinguish his toys on television.

Shocked, I'm 'a tellin' ya.

He ate, napped, and then Grandma came over to relieve me of my duties and it was off to work I went.

Got to work and there were two people in the office ... New Boy and our sports editor.

New Boy has got "the flu". New Boy stays sick CONSTANTLY. I'm beginning to think he's a hypochondriac. Or he's lazier than me and doesn't wanna work, one or the other.

In the almost two months that he's been with us, this is the third time he's had "the flu". He's also had a cold and a sinus infection.

It was kinda cute...back in January when he very first started was when I had my sinus infection.

I came to work after a few days off and he says he caught his sinus infection from me.

I told him that the doctor told me that this particular sinus infection wasn't contagious so he couldn't have possibly caught it from me.

He got real quiet after that.

...Dumbass new boy always wantin' to be the illest ...

So yesterday, when he told me he had the flu, I told him to take his ass home.

Whether or not he really had the flu or not, I don't know. But on the slim chance that he actually does, I don't wanna catch it. Andy's JUST getting over this ear infection thing...I DON'T wanna give him the flu.

So New Boy left. Leaving me and the Sports Editor there.

The Sports Editor is one highly-stressed guy.

His blood pressure must be in the thousands. Every time the phone rings, he's cussing and bitching and wondering why people are always calling us.

Ummmm...we're a business???

So anyway, he finds out it's just me and him in the building and he goes off on a tirade about the boss owes him thousands of dollars for some side projects he agreed to work on.

I don't wanna hear it. I'm smart enough to turn down any side projects the boss presents to me with "I'm too busy to take on anything else, Bob."

Sports Guy isn't that smart. He hears monetary figures come out of the boss's mouth and jumps on them, actually thinking that the boss will pay him for his services.

The boss doesn't do that. The boss WAITS until you've asked him a dozen times for your money before he gives it to you.

He's not a shrewd businessman. He's a lame fuckwad.

Anyway ... Sports Guy just GOES OFF on the boss. I don't know what to do, because I'd rather be doing something constructive like ... well hell ... there wasn't anything constructive to be doing ... but I'd rather have peace and quiet than have the Sports Guy BOOMING about how sorry assed our boss is.

Duh, dipshit.

So finally, I get rid of Sports Guy and it's just me at the office.

Everyone else is gone for the day. It's up to me to answer the phone and wait on customers.

One customer comes in during this two hour period. An elderly man who gets on my nerves the moment he walks in.

"Can I help you," I ask.

"I need 15 copies of the latest paper," he says while grabbing tomorrow's (today's) edition that isn't supposed to be delivered until tomorrow (today).

"Do you mean last Thursday's edition or tomorrow's edition," I ask, gently taking the paper out of his hands like it's Top Secret Spy Shit.

"Last week's paper," he says, spinning around in circles, looking for a copy of last week's paper.

I walk over to last week's editions, and pull 15 copies off the stack.

"My son's picture is in here," he says proudly, like I give a shit or something.

"Really?" I ask in that tone that says "Big Fucking Deal."

"Yes," he says, flipping through the pages. "He got married and...well there's a picture of me too!"

He holds the paper up to show me his picture in the paper.

I guess this is a big deal to those people whose picture isn't in the newspaper each week. He probably went home after buying the papers, ran to his bathroom, locked the door, and jerked his elderly penis off while staring at his picture in the paper until dust shot out the tip of his pecker.

Me?

I'm in the paper at least twice each week. It ain't no thang to me. I quit yanking the crank to my picture years ago.

But it was obviously a big deal to Gramps.

So I add up the cost of the papers and it's $11.25.

Gramps freaks out because he feels that since his picture's in the paper, he should get the papers for free.

No Gramps, that's not how it works.

He says that since the new papers come out tomorrow (today), we were probably just going to throw these papers away anyway.

Maybe so, Gramps. But we still have to make money here. You don't go to McDonald's at 9:55 at night and say that since they're closing in five minutes to just throw all the food that's left into a bag for you and let you take it home for free, do ya?

For those of you wondering...no. You don't.

So Gramps pulls out a ten and that's all he has.

I'm a nice guy. I tell him that will be enough and shoo his ancient ass out the door, telling him to wait by the mailbox for that Social Security check and to eat catfood in the meantime. Thanks for the ten bucks!

Out of boredom, I call Mattie Gee, because my boy Eddie Lavoie wants to go out to lunch tomorrow (today) and wants M.G. to come along.

Mattie says he doubts he can make it and then says to count my blessings that I didn't really help his girlfriend do yard work this weekend, because she's got poison ivy all over her body.

Ummmmm...

I DID carry some branches off some bushes to the curb for her.

And I DO have this red blemish on my arm that's been itching since this weekend.

And I DO think that it's poison ivy.

And I DO have a little boy that I've been touching and grubbing all over.

And I DO want to kick somebody's ass because I have poison ivy on my arm and I don't want to spread it to my little boy and I enjoy holding my little boy and playing with him and don't want to have to stop doing that because I was a nice, considerate guy who carried branches to the curb for a young lady.

Fuck.

So he tells me this, and immediately my whole body starts itching.

I know I have no right calling New Boy a hypochondriac while I'm sitting here scratching like a dog with fleas because I have one blemish on my arm.

It hasn't spread. I put Calamine lotion on it and it's starting to dry up (I think).

Closed the office up at 5 p.m. and came home to relieve Grandma.

Grandma wants to tell me all about whatever the fuck happened on Fox News Channel today.

I wait for her to take a breath and say "I've got poison ivy on my arm."

She keeps on going about the Fox News Channel.

I sigh, get up, and go get the Calamine lotion.

She hands me the baby and leaves.

Ummmmm...poison ivy??? Hellooooo????

I roll my sleeves down and hold Andy at arm's length. He stares at me like I have balloons coming out my nose.

I put him in his bouncy seat and turn on "Baby Mozart" which hypnotizes his baby ass.

Susie gets home, I fix some fish fillets and baked potatos for dinner.

We watch "Survivor". Now I'm caught up and reminded on what a fucking bitch that Jerri whore is.

I try to watch the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony, but fall asleep in my chair.

I go to bed.

I wake up.

I write this.

And I say "That's it".


MP3 DOWNLOAD OF THE DAY

P-FUNK ALL STARS: "Make My Funk The P-Funk" (Live)

Okay, you've gotta get the live version of this song...it's like 12 minutes long, but it's how the P-Funk show kicks off. It starts off slow, with just a bass line and by the end, it's a funkalicious partypalooza. P-Funk is without a doubt, one of the best concerts I've ever seen, and this one brings back fond memories every time I hear it.

DOWNLOAD IT NOW!!


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