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09:16:33 - 2000-08-09

TEMPLATE'S CHANGED, KID'S DERANGED AND THE CENSUS NEEDS A FEW NEW BRAINS

You know what's REALLY funny???

I'm not talking an amusing ancedote ... I'm talking LAUGH OUT LOUD, KNEE SLAPPING FUNNY.

...People come to ME for HTML guidance...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

(Bob slaps his knee until it pops out of its socket)

God bless 'em ... luckily the questions are normally in my intelligence range, so I can usually help them out.

But man...the last 48 hours with this page was gibbin' me HEADACHES!

All I wanted to do was what you see before you ... break up the army in two columns, so that these entries wouldn't have to be as long as they've been.

Let's face it... "War and Peace" was tighter than this diary on occasions.

So I attempted it ....WITHOUT SAVING THE ORIGINAL TEMPLATE in case things went all screwy-wooey.

That, my friends, was MISTAKE NUMBER ONE.

But ladies and gentlemen...this is MAMBO NUMBER FIVE.

(Bob dances around his small area, playing Mambo #5 in his head as loud as it will go)

So guess who comes to my rescue?

Guess, guess, guess.

BONKROOD!!!

Bonkrood was my angel sent from Heaven, who not only rescued me from HTML hell, but fixed it exactly the way I wanted it, and even left a nice little mint on my pillow for me afterwards.

BONKROOD ROCKS THE HOUSE, Y'ALL!!

Worship the almighty Bonky One!!!

I can't TELL YOU how relieved I am to have my old template back. It's like finding out a tooth doesn't need extracted after the dentist fiddles with it for a few minutes.

Except there's less blood.

**************************************

Andrew was kicking up a storm last night in my wife's belly.

I was sitting here on the computer, minding my own business when Susie burst into the room.

"CHECK THIS OUT!" she yelled.

She lifted up her shirt and her stomach looked like an Alien was about to burst out. In one spot above her belly button, it looked like a muscle spasm from Hell was taking place.

"He's kicking big time tonight!" she said proudly.

I put my hand on her tummy and let Andrew kick my hand several times. Then I started flicking her belly like a redneck in a pet store, flicking his fingers against the fish tanks to drive the fish crazy.

The flicking made Andrew kick back. That was fun for about 12 seconds and then I was ready to go back to the computer.

"Tell Andrew you love him," my wife instructed me.

I put my head between her legs and yelled into her vagina, "I LOVE YOU ANDREW, NOW GO TO SLEEP!"

Then I heard a tiny, muffled voice inside her say "Who the fuck said that?"

...That's muh boy...

**************************************

Did I tell you guys we're naming our kid Andrew after the founder of Diaryland?

The wife hasn't been informed of that yet. But it's true.

...In my book anyway.

Oh...and I don't think I ever mentioned it...but last month's CMJ magazine had a tiny little writeup about Diaryland in it. I must admit, I slightly tinkled in my jockeys when I read that.

This was the magazine with those freaks from Slipknot on the cover, if you're going to rush out looking for it.

**************************************

I got a nice, framed certificate in the mail yesterday from the U.S. Census Bureau.

The certificate thanked me for all the work that I did for the Census by writing stories and publishing them about how important it is to fill out your census once you received it.

Made me feel like a real big shot, it did.

Except they misspelled my name in big letters.

Fucin' Asshles.

**********************************

I'm actually looking forward to today...my day off.

My template's back to normal (GOOOOOO BONKROOD!!!).

No bug man, furniture man, cable man or repairman coming to the house today.

"Survivor" is on tonight. I hope it gets down between Rudy and Richard myself on the last episode. Good vs. Evil. It doesn't necessarily have to be Rudy...he does tend to get on my nerves. But SOMEBODY vs. Richard...so somebody can finally beat that pompous ass at his own game.

Sue vs. Richard would be cool.

And don't rule out Kelly vs. Richard.

Is Kelly still on the island??

It's 6 a.m., I've been up for almost two hours on my day off.

It's time for a nap.

QUESTION OF THE DAY

You're in a movie. You're in a nude love scene (c'mon people ... drop those holier-than-thou morals now ... YOU'RE NAKED...GET USED TO IT). You can pick one actor or actress to do the love scene with. Who is it?

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