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5:14 a.m. - 2001-07-24

FEAR FACTOR MAKES MY TESTICLES WIGGLE

My computer is still a temperamental bitch. But today, I'm SAVING this heap of shit journal entry before trying to post it.

Ah-haaa!!

Y'see?? I've outsmarted my computer!!!

And who says computers are smarter than people?? They're certainly not smarter than MOI!

I DARE it to try and lose my entry today.

YOU HEAR ME COMPUTER?!? I DARRRRRRE YOU TO THROW MY ENTRY AWAY, YOU TRENDY SHITBAG!!

It ain't go' happen.

I promise.

Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.

I've become wary and agile when it comes to saving stuff before posting it.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!

Fuck with ME, computer!! FUCK WITH MEEEEEEEE!!!

(This is the entry where Uncle Bob goes over the edge and begins hallucinating. You might wanna have your phone by your side with your fingers poised over the 9 and 1 buttons in case of emergency)


So I'm watching "Fear Factor" last night and it dawns on me...I am one big assed wimp.

There have been maybe a handful of stunts on this show that I might have attempted. I could eat a cricket. I wouldn't WANT to eat a cricket ... but I could do it.

Hmmm. Maybe that's it. I can't recall any other stunt that I woulda done for 50 grand.

And 50 grand ISN'T that much money. Not after pricing those houses the other day. 50 grand would buy you a kitchen in one of these houses and that's IT. So kiss my ass, Fear Factor...you're not going to get me to come on national television and shit my pants for anything less than 300 grand.

So last night, they start off by having people climb out a 12-story window and then just FALL to the ground.

This is a stunt usually reserved for those wanting a big splashy suicide.

They were held by a cable that was like 1/4" thick. You know...the kind that would snap like a sparrow's neck if Uncle Bob was attached to the other end of it.

All six people climbed out that window and free fell to the ground. Some acted like it was nothing, no big deal.

Okay ... say it with me ... "NO FUCKING WAY".

Kiss my ass Joe Rogan. Uncle Bob is heading home. It's been nice letting you fuck with my head for five minutes, but I'm OUTTA here.

Of course...nobody EVER walks away from the first stunt. The first stunt is usually not all that bad and everyone at least gives it a try.

Not my ass. I'd be history on last night's episode. Just let me grope my fellow female contestants and I'll be out of y'all's way.

The second stunt...eat three sheep eyeballs.

Pardon me?? Did I just say "sheep eyeballs"??

Yer damned skippy I did.

Joe mentioned that sheep eyeballs were considered a delicacy in some countries. Like Ethiopia. And any other country that has starving children with big assed pot bellies and flies crawling around their eyes. Dirt's a big delicacy in those countries too, Padre.

These six crazy mofos WOLFED those eyeballs down. Nobody threw up. Nobody gagged. Chomp, chomp, chomp...done.

One girl asked a guy while he was eating if he had gotten an eyelash. That made my stomach turn. But I had to give her props for saying it, and if she ever reads this thing, she's automatically going to sit at the top of the Army list, because she's a general in my eyes.

The third stunt was having to be dunked in a booth full of water upside down, bound by your ankles. The person who stayed underwater the longest won the fifty grand.

Ahhh. I get it. Risk death for 50 grand. Where in the FUCK do I sign up for THAT shit??

The first guy stayed in there for 12 seconds before he totally freaked the fuck out and started thrashing around like the one-armed shark boy in Florida. They pulled him outta there and he KNEW he had totally wimped out so he started acting like he was dying as a last resort to mess with everyone else's mind. Like...if they all saw him gasping and choking, maybe they'd all walk away from the stunt and he'd win with 12 seconds.

Yeah right.

The second girl stayed down for like 19 seconds. Everyone was saying that was the time to beat.

The third stayed down for 39 seconds. The 19 second girl, who thought she was Wonder Woman up to this point, walked slowly away, confident in the fact that she had a big "L" magic-markered across her forehead. The third contestant was all giddy, thinking 39 seconds to stay underwater was better than Houdini.

The fourth girl gave it until about 29 seconds before she started gasping for air underwater. By this point, the contestants realized they didn't have to hang upside down in the booth. They were all arching their backs so the blood wouldn't rush to their heads. The first couple of contestants were backstage, bitching that this wasn't fair and that they were gonna kill them some Joe Rogan and eat Joe Rogan eyeballs for dinner.

The fifth guy stayed down there for a minute and five seconds. He was trying to get the money to spend on his upcoming honeymoon. He was a hairdresser. Yes...a hairdresser on a honeymoon. I would believe a talking dog before I swallowed a hairdresser on a honeymoon, but that's what the guy kept saying, so I was right there with him, hook line and sinker.

The sixth and final guy was an admitted smoker and sheep eyeball lover. Because he was a smoker, I gave him 2.3 seconds before he'd be climbing outta that booth at the speed of sound.

That smoking bastard stayed down there the longest. Once he broke the minute and five second mark, they yanked him outta there like a retard in an advanced classroom. He wasn't even gasping for air. He had lungs the size of grapes, but he was chillin' the whole time. Maybe he's used to dealing without any breath. I dunno.

All I know is that once again, yer dear sweet Uncle Bob would be exposing his buttocks on national television and telling the whole world to kiss 'em, because he wasn't about to go underwater upside down for a measly fifty grand.

Think about it. Being underwater's bad enough. But being underwater upside down...with water rushing in your nose and burning you like Freddy Krueger...could you handle it?

I know my Mom would be proud if I tried it. Because as soon as I was pulled out, I woulda made a celebrity out of her by screaming "MOMMY!! MOMMYYYYYY!!!"

I wonder if that last guy got brain damage from that stunt.

Hell...he probably had it before hand. That's why he went on the damned show.

Anyway...

I'll watch the show day and night.

But don't you EVER think I'm gonna go on.

No thanks, Tom Hanks. I'll watch it from afar.


In case you haven't figured it out by now, I'm kinda obsessed with this show.

So much in fact, that I'm now offering NBC suggestions on upcoming "stunts".

Last week, I sent them an email saying "Here's what you need to do..."

I thought it'd be cool to set a house on fire. Then the contestants would have to run through the house through the front door, and exit through the back door. The fastest one gets fifty grand and a severely scarred face.

Then I thought..."That's kinda harsh. The house could collapse on them".

So I changed it to "The Hallway Of Fire".

Basically, they'd have to run down a narrow 100-foot hallway, with flame throwers in the walls going off at intermittent intervals.

So they could be running for about 20 feet and then POOF!! Big assed flames shoot out of the walls!

And they'd have to do it NAKED!!

YEAH!!!

Now I would WATCH that shit!!

Okay...they could wear those flame retardent asbestos suits if they wanted. Hopefully the chicks would go naked, but I don't think we need to twist arms at this point.

I also suggested "Shark Wrestling" where each contestant would be put in a pool with a shark and have to wrestle a little boy away from the shark.

As well as "Performing Oral Sex On Willard Scott". Jeepers! Just imagine how scary THAT would be!

Anyway...my fascination for this show is at an all-time peak.

I'll try to keep it under my hat from here on out.

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