WHERE'S ALICE COOPER WHEN YOU NEED HIM?

My nephew Porno Boy left me a list of songs that he wanted me to download so as to make him a nifty little CD that he could impress all his friends with.

Ahem.

There's 10 Backstreet Boys songs here. Eight N'Sync songs. "The Thong Song". Three different versions of the "Dragonball Theme". And a couple of Weird Al Yankovic nuggets.

Thank God for Weird Al. Or else this kid would be severely warped.

It's good that Weird Al is still kickin' it and is down with the youth of America.

Or ... at least the porno surfing nerd youth of America...

Oh.

And Michael Jackson's "Beat It".

What up with that??

I'm willing to bet that's his theme song..."Beat it"...

When I was 13 ... it seems like yesterday, mind you...but it was 1975.

It was KISS that rocked my world. Queen. Paul McCartney and Wings.

That was the year Alice Cooper's "Welcome To My Nightmare" came out. And my life was changed forever.

Well...not forever. And it was hardly changed. I just loved the way that rock music could merge with the horror movies that I loved at the time and produce something as creepy as that album was.

At the time...if you were a 13 year old boy ... listening to someone like The Osmonds or the Partridge Family...my God...you'd have your candy ass beaten like a dirty rug.

Anyway...my nephew NEEDS this disc made today because he has a sleepover to go to tonight.

Oh. My. God.

I can only imagine what's going to happen tonight.

He's gonna bust out this phat mix that his Uncle Bob laid down for him. He's gonna slip it into the boombox and the soft strains of the Backstreet Boys' "I Want It That Way" will start playing.

And one of two things are going to happen...either somebody is going to remove the disc and throw it out the window and then start beating on my nephew unmercifully.

Or a circle jerk will take place.

My money's on the latter.

I keep having these visions of these boys forcing my chubby little nephew into some kid's Mom's thong and making him dance seductively to boy band music for their amusement.

Maybe I'm the sicko here and not him.

Andy slept from 9 p.m. last night until 7 a.m. this morning.

The Ferber method.

This shit rocks.

Went out for Mexican last night.

The waiter kept calling me "Amigo", yet he looked about as Mexican as Milton Berle.

I really wanted to say "Cut the crap, dude. You're from Alabama, not Tijuana."

But I kept quiet. If there's one thing I've learned, it's don't insult someone who has the capabilities of jacking off into your burrito.

Went to the mall afterwards because we had to get a birthday present for one of Andy's playmates at daycare who's turning 1.

Yes...Andy's been invited to a birthday party. Our little boy's growing up. He's part of the baby social scene now.

We were greeted at the door of the mall by some fine, upstanding wannabe gangstas, just chillin'...livin' the thug life la vida loca.

Several of them were wearing their pants in a way that showed off 90% of their boxers underneath.

I'm no fashion guru...but I just think that look is SOOOO COOL!!!

I mean...to have your hip pockets down below your knees...GOSH!! That must be soooo neat!!

And those red bandannas you wear around your heads...golly...that's a real fashion statement as well! I bet you wear those so that chicks will see you and go "IS that Aunt Jemima?? Oh no! That's T-Bone from school! Heyyy T-Boooone!!!"

Goodness...you guys are just too darned cool! I wish I was a gangsta livin' the thug life and not having any sort of concept of the future except getting my ass reamed by hulking biker dudes named "Meat" in prison!!

Awesome guys! Totally awesome!!

Alright...baby's done nursing and wants to play with Daddy.

Peace out, homies.

Stay true to da thug life, gees.