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09:14:20 - 2000-08-01

CHILDBIRTH IS A WALK IN THE PARK ... FOR THE DADDY

So ....

Last night was the first of our childbirth classes.

One word....

"Ewwwwww".

Now then...I know there are a few mothers that read this diary. So I'm going to tell y'all a buncha stuff that you already knew.

It's the kids who have never been in a labor room that I'm gearing this entry towards.

First off ... we get to the classroom and there's like 22 couples there. Plus, one girl who had to bring her mother because she was a little slut and her boyfriend dumped her as soon as he found out she was pregnant.

Which...if that's not a deterrant for you young ladies who are having sex before marriage ... I don't know what is. Next time you're humpin' your skank boyfriend, think about this...if he gets you preggers, he's gonna dump you like a bad meatloaf and you will have to show up at childbirth classes with your mommy and everyone will be snickering behind your teenage back.

Okay ... so nobody snickered. More than anything, we felt sorry for the little 16-year-old girl.

Hell ...they shoulda been feeling sorry for me. I was older than the girl's Mom for chrissakes....

Looking back...I was probably the one everyone was snickering about .... "Gramps is finally having a kid..."

Anyway...

We go around the room and everyone introduces themselves and tells their due date and what they're having.

19 girls...2 don't know...and our little boy.

One freakin' boy.

And he's ours.

Okay...old wives tale time...

"If you're trying to get pregnant, and you want a girl, you should have sex in the missionary position.

If you want a boy, you should do it doggy style."

I'll admit ... the old wives tale worked for us.

*snicker, snicker*

So...all of a sudden, my wife and I look like the two pervs in the room because we're the only ones in the room who did it like they do it on the Discovery Channel.

I spoke up.

"So?" I said as all the couples stared. "I married a freak...deal with it."

The staring stopped and the class started.

We went around the room and all the coaches had to state why they were there.

"I'm here to support my wife," one loser said.

"I'm here because I'm part of the equation," another said.

"I'm here because I love my wife and am looking forward to the birth of my child," yet another sucked up by saying.

"I'm here because my wife promised to take me to Steak 'n' Shake afterwards," I said.

I waited for the guffaws and applause.

There was none. So like a good comedian ... I repeated it.

"I said...I'm here because my wife promised to take me to Steak 'n' Shake afterwards," I repeated.

"We heard you the first time, Uncle Perv," a voice from the back called out.

I hung my head and decided to shut up.

We then got to look at pictures of nekkid ladies and their innards. That was fun. I had a shitload of moronic comments that I was holding in like "Wow...check out the ovaries on THAT one!"

...Ignorant shit like that...

After the slide show, we took a break. Susie and I walked down to the nursery and looked in at the little babies. That kinda pumped me up some, seeing the fruits of someone else's labors and knowing that in three months, we'll have one of those of our own.

...Hopefully with a bigger penis. Because these babies were hung like mosquitos.

The second half of the class, we watched a video.

Our instructor, the foxy babe Rebecca, prefaced the video by calling it "a lovely video about the joys of childbirth".

...Apparently ... that's nurse talk for "You're about to see a shitload of stuff you've never seen come out of a woman's coochie."

Three couples in the video.

The first one was pretty cool. I have to be honest...I did NOT think the video was going to get graphic. Hell...up until the actual birth ... I thought these were actors. I truly did.

The camera in the labor room was wandering around the couple, careful to stay off of the woman's crotch.

Until the big moment.

Then that camera zoomed in. All of a sudden it looked like a wolfman was vomiting blood on the screen.

As the baby's head began to ease out, this lady let a stream of SOMETHING go flying out of her.

And I do mean FLYING. That shit arched into the air and hit one of the doctors square in the face.

I love my wife. But if she shoots a jet of fluid out of her coochie and hits someone square in the face ... I'm walking out.

I can understand the joy a couple has when their baby is born. We've been treating our baby like it's already here, and to actually SEE, FEEL AND HOLD our baby will be an experience to top them all.

...But holy shit...dem babies be slimy!!

I have no interest in holding my baby as soon as it slides out of Baby World. Clean that little booger up first. Wipe all that shit off him. Bathe him and powder his ass. Then I'll be more than happy to hold him.

The second couple in the video had a difficult pregnancy. Which meant we were treated to this homely woman taking a shower for about ten minutes.

I don't know how much these women were paid for this stuff. But if I was a pregnant woman and cameras were in the shower stall with my fat ass...fucking Regis Philbin would be delivering my paycheck personally.

The third couple was boring. Seen one baby pop out a woman's vagina...seen 'em all.

After the video we all filed out of the classroom and began boarding elevators.

We got in our elevator and it was deadly quiet. Finally, I broke the ice.

"Boy...THAT was fun!!" I exclaimed like a peppy high school cheerleader.

The men....all pale and sweaty, just stared at me. They all looked like they had gotten more than they bargained for.

So...I found out one thing about childbirth last night. Before that child is completely out of the womb and all is said and done ... my wife's crotchal area is going to look like a regurgitated burrito dinner for two.

...And it's going to be worth every single moment to finally be a daddy...

************************************

ELDERLY WALKING COUPLE CONVERSATION FROM YESTERDAY:

OLD MAN: "Your dog...he's getting pretty fat." ME: "Yep." OLD MAN: "Might wanna put him on a diet." ME: "Yep. I might."

************************************

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