I WOULD like to take the time to thank you and yours for repeatedly visiting this site. It makes my nipples hard just thinking about you all.

Thanks to all who have signed my people page and message board. Every single one of you people RAWK!!!

I happened to see an old face from my past yesterday ... Dan D. And yes, I turned the other way and ran.

While I worked in the bar scene(1984-1992), this guy Dan would come out to every club that I worked at. At first, I was nice to the guy because he was always in the club, I was always working, and I was one of the greenest bouncers in the biz...not really realizing that you cannot let the customers see you be a nice guy because then they have the impression that you are a wuss (which I was) and won't take you seriously when you have to do your job.

So anyway, this guy would hang out with me at the front door and tell me all of his woman problems. How this one's a bitch, that one's a bitch,they're all bitches and they all deserve to die blah blah blah.

The same kinda crap you get from any loser who's had one too many drinks and not enough courage to talk to a person with protruding breasts.

One night, one of the waitresses came up to talk to me.

"Why do you talk to that loser," she asked.

Me...being 15 years younger than I am now, and much, MUCH nicer, tried to defend the dork to my co-worker.

"Well, he never tips, sips one drink all night and bothers the women."

I had no idea he was bothering the women. But the next time he came in, I watched him.

Sure enough ... this guy would come to the club (always by himself ... no friends), seek out a table of women and then go stand as close to their table as possible while not

speaking a word to them. He would twist around and it was SO OBVIOUS that he was actually posing, flexing, and tightening his pathetic butt muscles.

At that point I realized...this guy was a duh-hork.

I switched nightclubs, and just like clockwork, so did my old buddy.

Because I was a wee bit dumber than than I am now, I quit talking to the guy altogether, which must have been pretty obvious to him that I had joined the ranks of "Club Employee Jerk".

Every now and then, Dan would actually either gather the courage to ask a woman to dance or she would ask him. Regardless....they then got on the dance floor to dance....

THE WILBUR!

Granted, the guy's name is Dan. But his dance, his ONE DANCE was so bad, the employees called it "The Wilbur."

Wanna know how to do it? March in place, bringing your knees high. Then lift one shoulder as high as it will go and drop it. Then the other shoulder, and drop it. And keep repeating these steps.

Now you're doing the Wilbur.

Go ahead. Stand up and try it. I'll wait.

Now...imagine watching this dork do this dance for eight years. Trust me, it was a hoot.

Now...because you've been waiting patiently for it ... MY TWO BEST STORIES ABOUT DAN "WILBUR" D.

First...one Saturday night he hooked up with our resident transvestite. This was a tall black man who dressed as a woman, came out one Saturday each month, sat by him/herself and would dance when asked.

Well, ol' Dan asked it to slow dance one nite and the employees all thought we would die. It's pretty sad when you're trying to slow dance and you have 10-12 people laughing hysterically at you and pointing.

This was the same night that I got on the microphone while they danced and told all the people on the dance floor that "I hope everyone's having a good time tonight...but one of you guys is dancing with a guy." Nearly every guy backed away from his partner to take a good look at what he was dancing with.

Not Dan. He buried his head in this transvestite's styrofoam chest and kept his groove on.

The other story comes from one of the last times that I had seen Dan in a club. I was standing by the front door talking to the bouncer when Dan came storming up, cussing and bitching.

Apparently, an ex girlfriend of his was in the club with another man. They had broken up years before ...but THE NERVE of this woman to still be alive....

So Dan announces he's going to his car and getting his gun. We watched him go to his car and get something out of the glove compartment. He then set up camp on his car hood, waiting to kill his ex and her new boyfriend.

The bouncer walked over to his ex's table, explained that Dan was outside with a gun ready to kill them. So they slipped out the back door and went home.

Dan sat there the rest of the night, waiting patiently. Meanwhile, we were all laughing our butts off at this psycho, waiting for a woman who was more than likely getting shagged at home while he waited impatiently to kill her.

After that, the bouncers barred him from ever coming back in. He raised a fuss, similar to a fit that Barney Fife may throw, and we never saw him again.

So yesterday, when I saw him at the grocery store, I made a beeline in the other direction.

Anyway...I've spent too much time on a guy that never meant crap to me. You can see how I'm grasping for straws here. Sorry this wasn't up to par with my usual knee-slapping fare. I'm having a rough morning after a night of no sleep. We'll talk later, alright there, Jedi??

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Ooo! Ooo! I wanna leave Uncle Bob A MESSAGE and make sure he gets it immediately!!

If you want to read my diary from 1980 when UNCLE BOB was 18 and pitiful , CLICK HERE

Soooo...how bad did I suck??