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10:39:52 - 2001-03-02

TODAY THE NAZI MEETS HER MATCH

So since we came up with bumper stickers for the local cheerleading team that posed nude on a drunken whim, sent their pix to one of the football players who consequently sent it to all his friends as well as print the pictures out and tried to sell them on Wednesday...yesterday we came up with "new cheers" for the formerly pristine cheerleading team.

"2-4-6-8

Have you seen me masturbate?

10-12-14-16

Next time I'll take pix of me pissing"

or

"2-4-6-8

Check out the chick that I just ate"

or

"I don't know but I've been told,(I don't know but I've been tolllld)

Girls at Blah Blah like the hole (Girls at Blah Blah like the hole)"

Okay. Those are the ones I feel comfortable printing. The rest probably would be best left to the editorial room.


Not a big day yesterday. Well ... it was...but it's nothing you people would be interested in.

What??

You STILL think you want to hear it??

Okay then...fine.

The local daily newspaper bought the local buy-sell-trade magazine.

Uh huh. You're about as excited as Ben Stein on valium right about now, huh?

Well, it was BIG news to us. Mainly because the local daily newspaper is owned by Gannett, the same people who put out USA Today. And the local newspaper is apparently one of the WORST places to work. They're sharks at Gannett. I've never worked for them, but have heard horror stories.

And I used to work for the Buy-Sell-Trade magazine. So I have a vested interest in the whole deal.

But that's all I'm going to mention because it's a whole lotta complications and pissed off people and it doesn't concern moi anymore and if it doesn't concern Uncle Bob, chances are pretty high you don't give a shit.

This isn't "Random People That Uncle Bob Knows' Diary of Chuckles" is it??

Nope.

Didn't think so.


I think it's just about time that I ran over my local school traffic guard.

This lady is a Gestapo Nazi Pig.

Plus, I bet her breath stinks.

Every day when I drive past her, she makes the "slow down" motion at me and quite frankly ... I'm sick of her shit.

The speed limit is 15 mph, which is an ungodly speed limit. If you were to hit a fly in a car going 15 mph, the fly will chuckle, sit on your windshield and enjoy a little ride with you.

I always go 15 mph. Sometimes, I'll drop it down as low as 12 mph. Any slower than that and I'll have angry rednecks behind me, honking away.

But this doesn't phase the Nazi traffic bitch. She still makes the "slow down" motion with her hand, blows her shrill whistle and points at me sternly.

I'm like "What the hell am I doing wrong?"

She just keeps blowing that whistle and pointing at me.

And I'm sick of it.

Sick of being singled out.

And I just noticed yesterday, she has trained all of these little elementary school kids to act like Nazis too. When she blows that whistle to stop traffic, these little goose-steppers jump out into traffic with their orange flags and have a special snippy way to wave their flags. They wave them around like they were on fire and then stand there, facing oncoming traffic defiantly with their feet spread wide, staring at the traffic. Then they MARCH back to the side of the street...literally march. Left, right, left, right, left, right kinda march.

It's really creepy. It's like "Children of the Corn" except it's not.

"Children of the Traffic Patrol".

Trust me, that's scarier.

I think if she blows her whistle at me today, I have no choice but to shoot her a bird.

NO CHOICE.

I'm abiding by the rules.

I'm minding my own business.

I REFUSE to go slower than 10 mph.

I hope you're reading this Gestapo Nazi Traffic Lady.

You're mine today.


I took part in a scientific study yesterday.

It was determined that I could eat a whole can of Pringles in one sitting.

The things I do for science...


I picked up Andy early from Day Care yesterday and we went to the afore-mentioned Buy-Sell-Trade magazine to show him off.

Naturally, the buy-out had many long faces lurking around the office and Andy's presence did little to change that.

They all said he was cute, which I fully expect at this stage. Nobody ever comes up and howls while saying "How do you manage to keep a sleeper on such an ugly piece of shit?"

That just doesn't happen. Even IF your kid is an ugly piece of shit.

I got caught up with some old friends, so that was cool.

Once again...you could care less about the visit, so I won't go into detail.


Hey...how 'bout that "Survivor" last night??

That Mike guy burned all the skin off his hands ....DAYYYY-UMMMMM!! I still don't really understand what happened ... he inhaled smoke from the fire and passed out into the fire, which only burned his hands and a mark near his eye.

Am I right??

He must have been inhaling a LOT of smoke, because I grill out quite often and get my share of smoke inhalation each time.

I've NEVER passed out onto the grill and ruined a perfectly good ribeye.

I guess that makes me more of a Survivor than Mike.

But his hands sure looked gross, I'll give him that.

I think I have a pretty high threshold for pain. The few times I've broken bones, twisted bones, burned myself...I don't bitch any more than normal.

I've NEVER cried from pain. I might cuss like a drunken sailor...but I don't cry. And I don't scream. I just say "Shit. I fucking think I just damned broke my shitfuck elbow, bastard."

I mean...that's the only thing I can do.


I almost just lost this entry, which kinda freaked my silly ass out.

So I think I'm ending it here.

Thank God it's Friday.

Did it seem like an extra long week to you too??


MP3 DOWNLOAD OF THE DAY

CRAZY TOWN: "Dark Side"

You may not believe me and I don't care...but I was into this band over a year ago. Today, their song "Butterfly" is a big deal, but this is the song that did it for me. Loud, obnoxious, but a danceable tune ... this one rawks my world.

DOWNLOAD IT NOW!


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