NOW... HERE'S BOB WITH THE NEWS

Ah'm hungry, ma ...

I didn't eat dinner last night...and this morning I'm paying the price.

My tummy feels like a barren desert with tumbleweeds blowing through and dogs chasing the tumbleweeds for the most part, but taking time out to pee every now and then.

So what's with all these forest fires lately??

Somewhere, Smokey the Bear is sitting in a recliner shaking his head slowly with a tear running down his face.

New Mexico, Florida and now Colorado ALL getting burned to a crisp.

As for my lovely, backward, inbred state...we're experiencing the worst drought in 40 years and it's ALMOST the worst in 100 years.

It's so dry here we have to purchase spit.

BA DUM BUM! SSSSSSSSSS!!

I went to water my yard last night and the hose begged me to reconsider.

Now THAT'S dry, ladies and germs!

BA DUM BUM! SSSSSSSSSS!!

Sorry...I'm dipping into my Catskills material this morning.

Alright...moving on to other news....WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with New Yorkers?!?

I'm sure by now (you being the most intelligent reader I have), you've heard about these women that were assaulted in Central Park last weekend.

Okay ... first off, when I heard about it, I thought "Holy shit!"

Then Matt Lauer says ... "What you're about to see is disturbing...but we're showing the shit anyway because disturbing equals ratings."

Then, they show this amateur video where you really can't see shit except a buncha guys pouring water on women as they walk by.

HORRIFYING!!!!

Can you imagine?!? Walking through a park on a hot summer day and all of a sudden a gang of teens runs up and starts cooling you off with imported bottled water?!?

YIKES!!! Nightmares for WEEKS!!!

Then Matt says some women were stripped of their clothing. Which ... you know...I could see the gangs of teens wanting to be overly accomodating on a warm day and to help the women out of their clothes to enjoy the cool water on their skin.

But still...it's just wrong.

Seriously though...yep...that was all a joke just now. I know...you probably thought "Geez Bobbo...that's a pretty shitty thing for you to say about the whole incident."

I agree. Thank God Stop Sucking's out of business or I'd be reamed a new one.

Seriously though...man...that's some stupid shit for these punk asses to being doing to women. Granted, it looked pretty harmless on television. But if I was surrounded by a bunch of New York teens throwing shit at me and ripping my clothes off, I'd be super pissed.

And if they'd done it to a family member of mine, they'd be dead.

Dead.

Yes, I believe in the death penalty.

MYYYYY death penalty.

I'd take 'em out my own damned self.

That's right. I'd go all Jackie Chan on their asses.

HIIIIIIII-YAH!

(Bob makes exaggerated kung-fu chops in the air that only impresses himself)

I hope everyone of those stupid bastards are caught and dealt with to the fullest extent of the law.

But ... I mean...what kinda trouble can they get into?

Sexual assault? Sure. That's a given.

But what kind of sentence does that bring on? A couple of years?!?

Screw that...these bastards need at least ten years.

It's simple folks...if we all just got along (thank you Rodney King), this world, this COUNTRY would be a much better place.

...Of course...as long as I was still allowed to sit here on my throne and pass judgement on others.

Take that away from me and I think America would SUCK SHIT BAYBEEE!!!

Sooooo...got this cable modem, babe.

It rocks the house (y'all).

I'm squeezing every last song out of Napster now before the government takes that away from me and reduces me to actually having to BUY CDs.

....rabble scrabble government...

Some web sites STILL take as long as they always did to download.

And Real Video STILL needs to be called "Real Photos Every Five Seconds", because that shit isn't Video.

Do I have to get a T3 line to FINALLY witness REAL VIDEO???

Please tell me no.

But then I'd have to call you a liar.

And things would get ugly.

Well...as ugly as things can get with me, El Handsome Stranger, still involved.

Sooooo...I hooked up the old computer for the Mrs. last night.

So now, we're BOTH online. She has the old Mindspring (sucks) account in the second bedroom, and I'm flying at the speed of fiber-optic cable up here in the living room.

She's pretty happy. She "borrowed" a monitor from her work, since really that's all the old computer needed...a different monitor.

This monitor had been sitting in storage for six months. The supervisor of the department said it was just collecting dust and would probably never be used.

Now we're hoping that they completely forget about it.

Man...so Mrs. Bob is REALLY starting to get a belly on her.

Did I tell ya she felt the baby kick for the first time on Wednesday??

It was pretty cool. We both cried. She was crying tears of joy and I was crying because I was thinking of all the free time I was going to lose in about five months.

...damned rabble scrabble kid...

Whooooohoooooo!! It's Friday and we're going out tonight for dinner!!!

I love Friday night dinners. They make me all warm and tingly.

So does accidently peeing on myself, but this is a different "warm and tingly".

Then, tomorrow, Suze is going to some Peach Festival up north of here.

Which means...an entire day to pillage Napster.

NOW I'm warm and tingly.

Speaking of Nappy...the shit's hung up on me again....rabble scrabble Napster...

It's probably best I go now anyway. Before I start to bore you....

BA DUM BUM! SSSSSSSSSS!!