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05:34:31 - 2000-03-27

ALRIGHT...HERE'S THE SECRET...

Last Wednesday, I told y'all I had a secret.

I also said it would be a while before I could reveal it here.

I've changed my mind.

TODAY, you find out about the secret.

First though...since Pimpin' Cupid is only pissing people off rather than making them feel wanted, I shall list the ten ladies that I foolishly thought had a crush on me, who then received emails saying someone had a crush on them.

If I can remember them all.

Here's those ten ... Anenigma, Malkavia, Methybeth, Sinammon, I-Am-Unique, ummmmmm....oh...Frank, ummmmm....geez...oh...Badkitty....I'm doing this from memory now....ummmm....Pinch, Miss Angela....God...one more...my mind's drawing a blank...I think it was Shoshannah...but I'm not positive.

Anyway...my overinflated, bloated ego took it for granted that each one of these ladies wanted to hop in the sack with their Uncle Bob.

Shame on you ladies.

Shame more on me for being...as always...too confident.

Soooo...if you received emails saying someone had a crush on you, it was my pathetic ass. I apologize.

Now...the secret....

Ooooo...ooooo...oooooo....Didja see the Oscars last night???

I fell asleep about three hours into it, so didn't see the end, but I know "American Beauty" won the big awards which was cool. I liked the movie.

The highlight for me was when that gimp freaked out so bad he fell out of his wheelchair and started convulsing on the floor.

For once, I didn't laugh uproariously at the gimp. But I was confused as to what was going on.

"What the fuck is he doing," I asked my wife.

"Is he having a heart attack," she asked back.

We watched for a few seconds and then realized he had palsy or whatever.

And then I got choked up looking at the man.

Why?

Well....'cos it has a little to do with my SECRET.

...Which we will get to in a few minutes...

*grin*

Hey...I finally entered the 21st century and bought a Zip Drive yesterday.

Why? I dunno. I brought one home from work that was never used, and my boy Eddie tried to hook it up (I'm computer illiterate...remember?), but it never took, so I just bought a new one instead.

Okay....the secret.....

This Halloween night...while you are either out trick-or-treating or globbing handfuls of candy into bags, I won't be participating in normal Halloween activities.

Oh...there will be horror involved...trust me.

As much horror as you can get from a delivery room.

Yep.

Yer Uncle Bob is FINALLY going to be a daddy.

*BIG SHIT EATING GRIN*

Y'all...I cannot BEGIN to tell you how happy I am.

I cannot BEGIN.

Every time I think about it, I tear up. Last week, I spent more time in the bathroom at work dabbing my eyes then actually working.

And if I'm not all gooey eyed, I'm grinning like a maniac.

My wife and I have been trying for 13 years to conceive a baby. In 1990, she contracted Pelvic Inflammatory Disease which messed her inside woman parts up pretty bad. At the time, the doctor said we could have trouble getting pregnant because of all the scar tissue on her ovaries.

That's the understatement of the decade.

We tried everything short of flying to Tibet to have a monk bless her ovaries.

No luck.

As the years went by, my wife became more and more depressed. She has always known that I wanted kids from day one. If I had my way, I'd have kids in college by now. And...she admitted...she felt like she wasn't a true woman because she couldn't give me a child.

I would try and tell her that it was okay ... some people weren't meant to have kids.

But I have to admit...yes...as cruel as it sounds...there were days when I just wanted to leave her and go find a welfare mama who got pregnant every year.

Yep...I'm one of those people who ADORE kids because I've never fully grown up myself.

Now...I have no choice.

She's exactly eight weeks pregnant, which means we are NOT out of the water yet. It's conceivable that she could miscarry. She's 35 years old and doesn't have the greatest of track records with her innards.

But...at least we know that she COULD get pregnant.

Oh yeah, for those of you thinking..."Well gee Bob...it coulda been YOUR spermies that were the cause, you insufferable bastard."

Nope. I was checked. I was also offered the option of becoming a sperm donor because my sperm was perfect.

I'm not sure of the money involved in being a sperm donor, but I hear you get a lot.

For jacking off into a cup.

I'm not gonna brag, folks...but if my sperm is worth a hundred bucks a pop... my wife owes me about two million dollars.

So ... her due date is currently October 31st. The doctors have checked her out and said so far everything is perfect. We go for an ultrasound in 16 days and four hours.

I now know what people mean when they say "I don't care if it's a boy or a girl, as long as it's healthy."

I've never felt stronger about a statement in my life.

She hasn't had any morning sickness yet. But her boobs are beginning to grow more each day. The worst part about that is, I can't touch them...they're too sensitive.

That's fine. Like I told my wife, if I had my way, she'd be in bed for the next seven months and I would wait on her hand and foot to insure that we get all the way through this.

A shout out to Malkavia, Geekchic and Wendigo for guessing that my secret was the impending birth of my first child. I thought the secret was rather obvious, but apparently it wasn't.

I mean...c'mon...hasn't the last week with Uncle Bob been less than stellar? I KNOW that I haven't felt like being "ha-ha funny" and it's shown here lately.

And I thank YOU for still being a faithful reader, regardless of the recent boring entries. I promise that in a few days...maybe weeks...I'll be back up to the standards that you have come to expect from an award-winning loser such as myself.

But ya know what??

None of that matters to me right now.

I'm gonna be a daddy.

And dammit to hell...I'm crying again.

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