I'LL CLIP MY TOENAILS FOR FIVE

The internet has been down at work for a few hours today.

This fact almost made me go nutzoid. I kept checking my email to see if anything had come through or not and kept getting the word "ERROR" shoved in my face like a Hare Krishna's flower at the airport.

So...rather than surf the net all day, I took some initiative and actually WORKED this morning and afternoon, writing TWO profiles that have made two very important corporations very happy.

One is the music corporation whose name rhymes with "Bony, Tony and Stony".

The other is not so much a corporation as it is the fine city of San Jose, California who received a kick ass story about their little burg that I penned without ever physically visiting this 11th largest city in America.

Yep. I'm a regular fact machine, I am.

Except now, as I write this, I cannot get out of my serious writer mode. I want to write sentences like "Coupled with the fact that Stony co-developed the patent for the compact disc technology nearly two decades ago, the company has Stony engineering on its side giving it the leading edge as the premier corporation in its market."

*cough*

I can spit sentences like that one out like hairballs when I'm in the zone.

I amazed myself in getting both stories written this morning. I did a little kooky dance around my desk, chanting quietly "I'm the master of profile writing, yep that's me" over and over again.

Not really. But I did feel pretty good after getting them both written.

Oh yeah...check this guy out.

This fella has two feet that he's tired of. Apparently they don't work so good. Like everytime he goes for a walk, he hits the floor face first. THAT kinda "not work so good".

So he's going to chop them off live over the internet.

And for $20 ... you can watch.

I dunno about you but that's hardly a bargain in my book.

Alright...I know I've got a lot of sick bastards reading this page on a regular basis.

But if ANY of you shell out 20 clams for this little webcast, I think you get a one-way ticket to Hell included in the deal.

I could not watch it. The guy has a "homemade guillotine" which will chop both his feet off.

He's hoping to raise enough money to buy some new prosthetic feet so that when he goes to dance at church socials, he's not launching himself headfirst into the punch bowl table.

I'm wondering how much a new pair of feet cost? Probably a couple of grand or so.

This guy is convinced that if he does this and gets new feet, the gals will be going bonkers for ol' Twinkletoes.

I've gotta think otherwise. I don't care how numb your feet are...if you chop them off, you can expect a fair amount of pain. And when you start screaming like a pansy on the internet while blood is gushing out the bottom of your legs, this won't be attracting chicks like flies to your front door, waiting for you to crawl and answer it. I'd almost say it'd have the opposite effect, dude.

Still...whatever floats your boat. Good luck to ya,

Lieutenant Dan.

I'm having trouble focusing on this entry as the president of the company has poked his head in my office about 37 times in the last ten minutes and I have to keep minimizing this window trying to hide my alter ego identity.

With that said, I'm history.

(By the way...thanks Moms for all your help on the Message Board concerning how to get my son to sleep at night without using rat poison. I appreciate it and will try each method for the next several evenings until the lil' booger finally realizes who's boss around here. And that's HIM.)