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11:36:22 - 2000-02-20

Uncle Bob's Diary is now open for all ages. Come aboard the Diary of Terror as I slash your chests open with my razor-sharp claws and eat your intestines.

MY SECOND TV SHOW

(This is my second update in an hour. The first update "My First TV Show" is here)

A year or so after the first show that I co-hosted went off the air, I got a call from ANOTHER local TV cable hostess.

This woman's name is also Bonnie, and she and the first Bonnie that I talked about in my last entrywere often mistaken for each other. It was ironic that I was a co-host on really bad television shows with the two of them. Now people think I have a twin out there.

This Bonnie was starting a new show on the local Fox affiliate. So I was no longer Cable Trash. I was now Network Trash.

(Bob does a little victory jig until he's felled by coughing spasms)

This new show was called "Focus" and each day, it would "focus" on something different in the community. Every weekday, Bonnie would have a different co-host, five in all.

I was the Thursday co-host and we focused on local entertainment and things going around in the area. We took the camera to concerts and would worm our way to the side of the stage to shoot video of shows. I've got several pictures and video footage of the Dixie Chicks right before they became huge. Afterwards, we got a quick interview with them backstage. They were sweet for the camera, but rude little bitches (especially the singer) once the camera was shut off.

I'm more partial to my second show over my first show, because I had more fun on the second one. And as it turned out, Bonnie, the producer Rick, and I became buddies. The show completely sucked. The network realized this so they switched the time slot from 6 a.m., (which is a decent time slot really) to 5 a.m. which completely sucked. The show got so bad that Bonnie couldn't get advertisers for the show other than friends that owned businesses.

She had a one year contract with Fox and probably shot a total of 50 shows. She just kept running the same shows over and over again. She couldn't afford to film any new shows.

So it was kind of cool, because I was losing weight all throughout that year. So one week the show would be on and I'd weigh 270 lbs and the next week I weigh 220. I was the amazing Lard-o for a year.

I'd be shocked if 50 people watched that damned show. But we had some great times.

Some of my personal highlights...

* I interviewed a lot of kids for the show in an effort to get families watching. One show in particular, I interviewed a 14 year old girl who collected Trolls and a 14 year old boy who collected basketball cards. I knew NOTHING about either collection, I was NOT PREPARED beforehand so I could do some research on the matter, and these kids thought I was the devil.

So the interviews consist of me asking insanely stupid questions ("Do you sleep with your Trolls?")all at the expense of trying to get a laugh out of the kids. The "Troll" interview went on for about seven minutes, and it's seven of the most uncomfortable minutes in television history, if you don't count "Boy Meets World".

* My interview with a nutritionist. This was the only interview I ever did one-on-one with an adult on television. After it aired, it was determined that Bonnie would be there to rescue me from here on out. The woman I interviewed was some mousy little woman, and I was all cocky because I had lost 50 lbs and was really interested in talking to the woman. I tried to conduct the interview in a David Letterman fashion ... I was going for laughs, and the woman was totally serious. At one point I said:

"I try to eat as much pork as possible in my diet. Is this a GOOD thing??"

Clearly...that's a joke. I said it with a serious look on my face, but I expected her to smile and say "nooooooo....." Instead, she said "No, pork is one of the worst thing that you can overindulge in."

I also told her I had been drinking nothing but Slim Fast for two months, which nearly gave her a heart attack.

* I did interview two little black girls named Mercedes and Lexus one time.

Yes. Mercedes and Lexus. This IS Alabama I'm talking about.

I was trying to get them to tell me a joke, and they couldn't think of one. So I asked Mercedes about the Spice Girls and her face lit up. She grabs the microphone out of my hands and just starts babbling away about the Spice Girls. Then I coax her into singing a song (Didn't take a whole lot of coaxing, believe me). This little 6-year-old sung like a bird too. Meanwhile, I'm clapping and singing background off camera. Mercedes was convinced she was going to be the new Spice Girl after Geri had left. At least they haven't filled the position yet.

* My favorite was the episode that never ran. We were all trashed in a hotel suite last May at this huge party and had the TV camera there just filming the party. I kissed Mattie Gee and they got that on camera. Then somebody tore the filter off a cigarette, handed the cigarette to me and told me it was a joint. I was so drunk that I smoked it and "got high" in front of the camera. I thought I was "so high" that I was doing somersaults on the bed for my TV audience.

The show was cancelled the following week. Not like any of that stuff was ever going to run anyway.

Bonnie was all depressed the day the show was cancelled. Once again, to me, it was just another job on the side that I could do without and have more free time on my hands. Cool by me.

Bonnie, Rick the producer and I all went out the night the show was cancelled and had a great time. Bonnie was talking about packing everything up and just heading to a new town and getting a new job somewhere else.

Her phone was disconnected a few days later, and I never heard from her again.

This was last October. I have a feeling she did exactly what she said she was going to do. She packed up and hauled booty.

I put together a six hour VHS tape of the "best" of my shows. I couldn't put everything, and much of it wasn't even the actual "Best"...but the crap that made me laugh the hardest at how bad it was.

Since I've always loved "bad" television and movies.

It's comforting to know I'm the uncrowned King of Bad TV.

P>You know Bob...I think I'm beginning to develop a crush on you. Is that weird? Here....let me tell you more...

If ya wanna check out my other website, updated daily (BUT NOT TODAY...I DON'T FEEL SO WELL) with a REAL diary PLUS my diary this day in 1980 click here

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Chelsea Clinton.


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