TWO BILLION DOLLARS

A tip for you kids from your old Uncle Bob...Don't wash three Excedrin down with a swig of beer.

I'll tell ya what... my holiness Aunt Marn cracks my goofy ass up. If y'all haven't seen her site yet ... PLEASE check it out. Not just because the latest entry features me ... but just because she's a great writer and has a great looking site.

Of course...if ya wanna babble on and on about me in an entry ... yer damned skippy I'm mentioning it.

(See Malkavia)

Have I ever professed my love for Napster here??

Yes??

Well of course I have.

But how about ... three things I would do for Napster if Napster was a human being and not a computer program...

1) I'd have sex with Napster.

2) I'd make sure Napster had an orgasm.

3) I would not roll over immediately and go to sleep after having sex with Napster.

THAT'S how much I love Napster.

I downloaded "Loser" by Beck, "Bizarre Love Triangle" by Frente and "The Whole Of The Moon" by The Waterboys in the last hour. The first two songs I've never owned ... I had the Waterboys album when it came out but sold it in a yard sale for a quarter.

Album. Not tape or disc.

Album.

Gadzooks...you chillin's don't 'member albums, now...do ya?

(Uncle Bob removes his dentures and soaks them in a glass of Polident)

In MYYYY day ... if we wanted to listen to the rock and roll music, we had to play the songs on scratchy beat up albums.

That weighed a TON when you had to move them.

When I was deejaying every night, I had six crates of vinyl albums and 12" singles that I took with me everywhere.

I did that for years.

I was so damned muscular, I was kicking sand in Hulk Hogan's face and stealing his woman.

...Who the hell would really wanna have sex with Hulk Hogan in the first place??

I guess I would if the money was right.

Say...two billion dollars ...

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(SCENE: A swank Las Vegas honeymoon suite. Hulk Hogan is seen laying seductively across the silk sheets)

HULK: "Hey brutha...how much longer you go' be in there?"

UNCLE BOB: (Calling out from inside the bathroom) "Ummmm....just a minute Hulkster...I'm just lubing up the old poop chute first. I'm new at all this and ...well...I just want to feel pretty...."

HULK: "Get that virgin ass out here, Bobster!!! "

UNCLE BOB: (Faints, hits his head on bathroom sink and dreams he's in the Wonderful Land of Oz and not getting sodomized by Hulk Hogan while passed out cold on the cold tile of a hotel bathroom floor)

************************************

Oh yeah...so anyway...

IN MY DAY....albums were cool.

Christ. I KNOW I had a point there somewhere ... but completely lost my train of thought during my fantasy love affair with Hulk Hogan.

NOT the Hulk Hogan of today. I'm talking about the Hulk Hogan of 1985 or so.

Christ. What do you think I am? Some kinda freak?? Like IIIII would sleep with the Hulk Hogan of today.

Sheesh. You SAY you know me. But you don't KNOW me at all.

(Bob crosses his arms across his chest and pouts).

Dammit....two people are downloading songs off me. "Fake Plastic Trees" by Radiohead and David Allen Coe's "Don't Bite The Dick".

I'll tell ya what, peeps. If you ever get in the mood for some raunchy and I mean RAUNCHY country songs ... do a search for David Allen Coe on Napster.

Heh. They make ME squirm they're so raunchy. You'll know which ones when you see the titles.

Oh yeah...and if you haven't got the mp3 of Groove Armada's "I See You Baby" ... my goodness...I declare that you be a LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOSER.

With that said...how about one more Question of the Day?

WHAT MP3 SHOULD EVERYONE HAVE??

Please write your answer on the Message Board in the lower left hand corner of this page.

On the lower right hand corner of the page is ... of course...my diary that was written while I was a senior in high school. More than anything, it's there to show you the contrast of what I was like in high school to what I am today.

Basically...I was a helluva lot more sensitive back then and had NO self esteem.

Now I think I'm God's gift to shit stinkers.

I mean...I don't think my shit stinks?

I'm God's gift to what?

Who are you?

Who who? Who who?

Can I go to bed now?

Pwease???