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20:29:32 - 2000-03-04

TWO MORE HEINIES TO GO

Those five latest entries are kinda an eyesore up there, huh?

Sorry. I suck.

As always, it is your right to get in line and sue my ass for criminal negligence in proper HTML code.

Awwww...piss on that...c'mere. Gimme a hug....

(Uncle Bob quickly grabs your wrist, twists your arm and pins it snugly behind your back in one fell swoop)

"Who do you think you're dealing with here, punk?? I take dumps bigger than your raggedy ann ass. Now sit your sue-happy ass down before I sit it down permanently ... comprehende??"

(Uncle Bob slowly lets go of your arm. You'd better sit yer ass down, soldier. Don't get cocky on my ass.)

+++++++++++++++++++++++

THAT ... was my impression of Quentin Tarrantino's diary.

Thank you very much. Drive home safely. And please...don't steal the ashtrays.

+++++++++++++++++++++++

So...the wife's at the ballet.

Heineken #4 has slowly evaporated into my blood stream.

I've urinated seven times.

Let's party...Dear Diary ...

+++++++++++++++++++++

I see my little retarded sis Lexilla signed my leetle message board which you could do too, IF YOU JUST TOOK THE FREAKIN' TIME....

(Bob buries his head into his hands and sobs like your mother the time you told her you thought you might be pregnant.)

Heh...God...speaking of which ... if you haven't read Erin's entry, it's so sick it's funny. The kid backed herself into a corner that had me laughing out loud. You go girl. We live and learn.

Oh yeah....I forgot...I'm supposed to be sobbing here....

BWWWWWaaaaaaaaaaaaa, (sobsobsob) waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa(snortgaspsnort)WAAAAAAAA"

.......alright .....you get the fucking picture. I'm like the serviceman who comes over and fixes your a/c unit and then won't leave.

I get that a lot. Old guys come over...fix the phone line or something...then stay for like a half hour.

I wonder if they're waitin' for me to cough up a little ass?

Surely that isn't appropriate ... is it??

I mean women...sure...give up the booty for the plumber. That's why he took the damned job. For all the hot assed hoochie. You really think plumbers LIKE fishing their fist around in your plumbing?

Have you taken a look at what you've tried to flush lately, pal?

Alright then. So nod your head in agreement with me and let's both say plumbers do it for the poon.

"PLUMBERS DO IT FOR THE POON".

Thank you.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Went to Sam's Club today. Sam's is a warehouse offshoot of Walmart. To the best of my knowledge, it's everywhere, but I haven't been out west since the 60s. So I have no idea if it's out there. If not ... picture in your head a warehouse full of items ... but they're all in fucking huge sizes. You can't buy a five pound box of dog food...its a 40 lb. box.

It's like a grocery store for Godzilla.

Anyway...on Saturday, there's little free sample tables set up. I usually skip lunch on Saturdays, since we go to Sam's anyway, and eat free samples till I projectile vomit in the books and videos aisle.

Sometimes, if I find a particularly good free sample table, I will flash my Press card at the lady cooking the little gems, and tell her that I would like to interview her for a story for the newspaper.

The women always agree "as long as you don't take my picture, I look a mess". So I ask them about ten questions ... the entire time, I'm scarfing down whatever the hell it is they keep pulling outta that toaster oven like Fat Albert after being stranded on an island for a week.

I always manage to end the interview with "What color panties are you wearing?" And then I cackle gleefully, click my heels and run away merrily to the next free sample table, while the free sample person grits their teeth and curses me under their breath as they chop up another Hot Pocket.

And I NEVER will print an interview with a free sample lady. Good God. Yeah...that's a real Pultizer Prize winner, there F. Scott Fitzgerald. Keep up the good work.

(Bob rolls them baby blues)

By the way ... that was a Heineken-induced joke. I don't really pretend to interview free samples ladies.

But I will flirt like Madonna on X to get a fistful of meatballs.

Uh huh.

You betcha.

High five on that one.

You know...it's getting late and I've got some Play Station I've been meaning to get to.

Man ... I KNOW I'm in the minority here...but if I'm home alone on a Saturday night...I'm in HEAVEN!!!

Take care, Obi Wan Kanobie...Uncle Bob...over and out...

10-4 good buddy.

Talk at ya soon.

Arrivaderci.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

Have you tried saying "Toyboat" three times real fast yet?

I'm so glad we had this time together.

Hey, try to get some sleep tonight, alright?

Goodnight.

Sweet dreams.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

Did I say that already?

Ha.

I did.

Must be the Heineken talking.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Only the cool people leave MESSAGES .

If you want to read my diary from 1980 when UNCLE BOB was 18 and pitiful PLUS see my Senior Yearbook photo (HOTSY TOTSY...heh...I KILL me....) , CLICK HERE

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