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5:25 a.m. - 2001-05-28

WHAT I DID ON MY SUMMER VACATION

THURSDAY

I woke up and wrote my last diary entry before packing the car and leaving town. My goal was for the family to be on the road at 9 a.m. sharp, because when it comes to travelling, I like to be precise, cunning and libelous which are the only three adjectives I could come up with right now.

At 9:30, Susie took her boob outta Andy's mouth and announced "We're ready."

Thanks hon. I've been ready for an hour. Grrrrrr...

We drove to the Georgia state line before Andy decided that he didn't like travelling as much as we were hoping by howling endlessly. So we stopped at the Welcome Center where two nasty women fawned over him like he was made of diamonds. One tried to touch his hand and I snatched him away before she could make contact. There was no way in hell anyone was going to be getting sick on MY vacation, dammit.

Meanwhile, my eye felt like it had sand in it so I rubbed it.

A lot.

We got to Charlotte in great time ... if you consider that Charlotte was inhabited by about two billion NASCAR fans that were there for a race. My mother (the NASCAR fanatic) had told me on the phone that there was a "big" race going on in Charlotte that weekend and we would be sorry that we were going because of all the traffic. She was right. I saw the number "3" on the back windows of more cars than I care to mention. Even though I just mentioned it.

We found our friends Ehab and Patricia's house, where Ehab was on call (he's an ob/gyn) so we hung out with Patricia, her two-year-old son Max and two month-old daughter Carson. The kids were cute, but not as cute as my kid, which is a given.

I sat Andy down on the floor and gave him some of Max's toys to play with, since they'd be all new toys. Andy's eyes lit up and a smile crept across his face as he played with these "new" toys.

...Until Max came by and demonstrated that he didn't know the meaning of the word "share". Which made Andy cry and made me want to spank Max and lock him outside in the rain.

So Andy had a difficult time as Max refused to share his toys and Andy had no toys to play with. Eventually, enough toys were dragged out to where Max couldn't hoard them all and Andy had toys to play with.

The adults sat around and talked until bedtime.

My eye itched. I soothed it by rubbing it repeatedly.

FRIDAY

I woke up and couldn't open my eye without prying it open.

I went to the mirror and it was extremely bloodshot and goopy. I squirted half a bottle of Visine in there and went about my business.

We were to meet Ehab for lunch at 11:30 at a Mongolian barbecue restaurant, as he was just getting off his shift that had lasted about 30 hours.

At 1:30, we finally got to the Mongolian barbecue place. Ehab was really glad to see us and only bitched Patricia out for about 30 minutes while Patricia foolishly blamed the race traffic, which wasn't bad at all.

The Mongolian barbecue place ("B.D.'s"...it might be a chain)was pretty cool. Susie and I were picturing a hole in the wall place with lots of flies and mongoloids cooking our food and drooling all over it and eating food off our plates by diving their faces into our shredded pork. It wasn't that way at all. Basically, you fixed your own plate, took it to these guys who threw it on the grill and cooked it for you while you waited. I'd go into more detail about it, but I'm trying to cover four days here.

Ehab introduced us to two of his gynecologist friends who stared long and hard at my eye. For the longest time, we all sat in total silence while the three doctors stared at my eye.

Finally I said "I think I have something in my eye." Which seemed to pacify everyone at the table.

After lunch, Patricia had a post-partem doctor's appointment so Ehab drove us around town and showed us all the sites in Charlotte. It would have been more fun if Ehab had some sleep in the last 48 hours, but he hadn't. So it was a LOT of almost crashing into the back of other cars, him yelling at other cars and Susie and I gripping whatever we could find tightly and waiting for the inevitable crash which luckily never came.

We picked Patricia back up, went home and napped. Some more than others.

At 9:00 p.m., Ehab finally woke up and he and I and baby Max, the toy king went to get some pizza for dinner. The place we went to (Tony's Pizza) was packed and by the time we got the pizzas, it was 9:45. By the time we got home, it was 10 p.m. Dinner at 10 p.m. isn't one of my usual habits, but we chowed down anyway. Good pizza, by the way, highly recommended.

We then put all the kids to bed and proceeded to pass out one by one in the den.

SATURDAY

I woke up at 5:30 a.m. and tried to be quiet, so as to not wake anyone else in the house up. Of course I succeeded because I'm as quiet as a chimney mouse, if I had any idea what a chimney mouse actually is.

We left Ehab and Patricia's at 10:30 a.m. to head to Mom and Dad's house in Columbia, S.C. Got there at 12:30 after I had specifically told Mom we'd be there at noon. Mom had already called our cell phone several times which was turned off and was in a general freak-out mode when we got there.

As soon as I walked through the door, Mom screamed at my eye.

"What in the hell have you done," she said, hiding behind Dad and pointing at my eye.

"I dunno," I said. "But it hurts now."

"Looks like pinkeye," Dad said.

"Is that contagious," I asked.

"Highly," Dad said, even though he's no doctor.

Dad grabbed Andy and held him until he spat up (Andy) and then handed him over to Mom.

Mom, who has the lung capacity of a church mouse due to her 40+ years of smoking non-stop, could only hold Andy briefly because he weighs 18 pounds and Mom didn't have the energy to hold him.

So Andy was shuffled back and forth to anyone who didn't have pinkeye. We then watched some NASCAR race because we were in Mom's house and she doesn't miss ANYTHING dealing with NASCAR because that's just the way it is, etc., etc.

So I officially watched my very first NASCAR race. And I'm here to report, this crap is more boring and monotonous than Ben Stein reading the ingredients of everything in your cupboard.

It's cars, Mom. Cars going around in circles, Mom. The same car that has lead the race for the last two hours is the car that will win, Mom. Sure as hell, two hours later, that's the car that wins. Lookit me, Mom. I'm on the edge of my seat.

I've seen cribbage tournaments with more excitement than NASCAR. As Ehab put it ... NASCAR fans aren't as wrapped up in the actual racing as they are the drivers. All NASCAR fans have their favorite drivers and that's who they root for ... it's not the actual race itself.

So I decided to root for the guy dead last in the race. May as well cheer on the underdog.

He finished dead last. Wow. Big surprise there. I think if I was dead last in a race going on its third hour, I'd turn my car around and head in the other direction and smash into as many of the other drivers as I could just to bring a single moment of interest into an otherwise horribly boring sport.

(Sorry Becca)

Finally, the race was over and Mom and Dad wanted to show me their spice cabinet.

Okay ... I'm a sucker for spices. Call me names if you must ... but when I cook I like to spice it up. I'm a regular Emeril Lagasse when it comes to spices.

Mom has a ton of cool spices, yet her food's about as bland as you can get. I don't pretend to understand it. But I know this ... the majority of their spices hadn't ever been opened. I think they collect spices. Yes ... believe it or not...my parents are a bit strange.

So I try a couple of their spices and I MUST have them. So we go to a grocery store that we don't have here in my city ... Bi-Lo, and pick up some good spices and barbecue sauces.

We go to eat at "D's" where I ordered cajun fried shrimp that had absolutely NO cajun spice to it. No complaints, it was still good. The waiter screamed when he saw my eye and was ogling it like my eye was a male stripper (he seemed a little effeminate).

Went home where we watched "Remember the Titans" (I'll ruin it for you ... the Titans win the last football game...bwaahahahaha!) and then watch "Beverly Hills Ninja" which had Dad snickering up a storm and the rest of us rolling our eyes.

We all went to bed and Andy didn't like his bed one single bit, so he slept with Mama and I slept on the couch with no blankets. I woke up several times in the middle of the night, freezing my ass off.

SUNDAY

As usual ... after about 18 hours of being in my parent's house, all conversation had been exhausted and we were all sitting in silence, staring at either the baby or my eye which was now beet red, puffy and crusty. Sort of like a cheap whore's vagina.

No offense to any cheap whores out there...

We get on the road and not a moment too soon as the Indianapolis 500 was about to come on and Mom needed to heat up her vibrator as she watched her race because she's a perv for the races.

We drove to Augusta, Georgia where we met up with the lovely Schmez and her even lovelier husband Tim.

I've gotta admit ... I was a little nervous meeting Schmez. She is one of my favorite writers in Diaryland and reading her stuff makes my tootie tingle.

So we're driving there and I'm telling Susie to not say anything stupid because THIS IS SCHMEZ, DAMMIT. The Schmezinator. The Schmezo. The Schmezinopolis.

We get there and, of course, both Schmez and Tim run for cover from my eye.

"I think I've got pinkeye," I casually mention as I shake Tim's hand.

Tim runs off to the kitchen to boil his hand.

Schmez, ever the lovely hostess, says "I wouldn't even have noticed it if you hadn't pointed it out."

It was a very sweet thing to say. However, my eye looks like it's falling out of its socket. If you don't notice that, you're legally blind.

We eat lunch, and talk about how much Tim looks like Elvis if Elvis had worn glasses and had a beard. The guy does bear a striking resemblance to Elvis if you have the mental capacity to conjure up a vision of Elvis, place it side by side with Tim's face and then mentally remove Tim's beard.

Schmez was much sweeter in person than her diary leads you to believe. She may come across all bitchy and whiny, but she's really purty cool.

Naturally, I was prepared for bitchy and whiny so I was taken aback.

After lunch, we bid a sweet farewell where Schmez tried to shove her tongue down my throat as Elvis pulled her away and Susie hit her with an umbrella. We hopped in the car and decided to go to Target since our city is so backward we don't have a Target.

We spent 90 freakin' minutes in Target as Susie tried on every single garment under 10 bucks in the store. We bought Andy every toy that he showed interest in at Patricia and Ehab's, so that Max could never rain on his parade again.

Andy was so damned cute. I found a "Bear in the Big Blue House" audio tape with a big picture of Bear on the cover and showed it to him. His mouth fell open in silent shock and his arms and legs started trembling. He loves the Bear.

We then went to a kid's store...Zany Brainy's, where we found a big stuffed Bear (In The Big Blue House). Once again, Andy trembled as I showed it to him. I pointed out to Susie it looked like he was having a baby orgasm. He just sat in his seat and grinned, shaking all over as he gingerly reached out to hold Bear. Of course ... he got a Bear for his collection at home.

We took our time getting home, finally arriving ten hours after we started. Got home, gave Andy all his new toys at which point he fell backwards and shook all over with joyous spasms. He then proceeded to chew on everything in front of him for several hours.

I went to bed about 9:30 because I was completely exhausted.

Today I woke up, pried my puffy eye open, came here, updated this beeyotch and am now going to shower and go to Doc in the Box to scare the crap out of the employees with my frightening looking eye and hope somebody prescribes me some eye drops to clear this shit up.

That's it.

My summer vacation.

Pretty damned boring, eh?

Ah well...yer still here.

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