VAMPIRE GIRL IS ON THE LOOSE

As I sit here, the Weather Channel quietly blares behind me.

Once again...for the fourth time this week ... they are telling me that a "winter storm" is on its way.

...And once again...I'm falling for the shit.

I'm sure about noon today, I'll be sitting at my desk in the office, completely bummed that I'm staring out the window at a grey and gloomy day with no precipitation to speak of.

*sigh*

I'm originally from Illinois. So I KNOW what snow looks like. I don't just see a few snowflakes dropping from the sky and scream ..."IT'S SNOWING!!!"

Wait. Yes I do.

Anyway ... I'm dreaming of a White Four Days Before Christmas.

I just wish like hell dreams came true sometimes.

Actually ... I've gotta go to work regardless if it snows. If it snows, we just go to work in Mattie Gee's SUV and sit in the office and watch the snow come down. It's not like I can take Andrew (7 weeks old today...HAPPY B-DAY, SON!!) outside and have a snowball fight with him.

...But if I did...rest assured...I'd whip that boy's tiny ASS in a snowball fight.

...Damned little crybaby...

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Oh yeah...

For those of you who are new, or those of you who forgot...I wrote business profiles for a book last year.

The book came out a few weeks ago.

Yesterday, I finally received a case of the books at my home.

They're nice books. Big, oversized coffee table books, great photos, smells nice and new...etc.

My name's not on the spine of the book which was a grave injustice on the part of the corporation putting out the book.

Well...not really. When I was working on the book last year, I was under the impression that I was contributing the meat of the book ... the overall text of the book.

Uh uh.

A guy named Wayne actually "wrote" the book ... me and another guy contributed business profiles.

I thought the entire book would be business profiles. I had no idea this was just another book that ol' Wayne could say he wrote.

Damned Wayne.

Then again...he's about 30 years older than me and has been writing about 30 years longer than me.

So let him have his stupid name on the spine of the book.

There ya go, Wayne.

Enjoy.

I hope you choke on that damned spine.

......But my picture and bio are on the inside sleeve of the book jacket, so that's cool.

I'm somebody now.

Worship me.

Just try not to get anything on my shoes while worshipping.

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I actually had a quiet evening last night.

Susie took Andy to the post office, Walmart and Advent service last night while I watched "Ed" and prepared to recap it for Mighty Big TV.

Then I ran across an email from my boss at MBTV who said this week we have a Holiday Amnesty program. I don't HAVE to have the recap turned in on time and yet I STILL get my bonus for turning it in on time.

I just want to say right here...right now...Tara and Sarah ...the two gals who run MBTV...are the most awesome bosses in the world.

Bar none.

I love 'em both.

Smoochie woochies.

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I was a horrible person yesterday and I don't know why.

HORRIBLE.

Some of you will think less of me as I tell this story. I apologize and have no business telling the story to you people, but it's a diary here...and this happened...sooooo....

Jill, our secretary at work, brings pix of her nephews and nieces to work yesterday.

One niece was a cute little girl with a darling smile.

She was about seven years old...missing her two front teeth...adorable little girl.

But the way she was smiling was kinda weird. She looked like she had fangs.

So I dubbed her "Vampire Girl".

Mattie Gee and I had a few laughs at the kid's expense.

Then Jill tells me that the little girl's teeth are all messed up ... her gums are all weird and shit.

Okay.

I don't know why...but this egged me on to be even MEANER in my comments.

I did an impression of the little girl's father coming home after a long day of work: "Alright...which one of you has been building a dam out in the back yard?? Oh....Vampire Girl...sorry."

I did an impression of Vampire Girl at Halloween: "Triff or Treef!!" (spoken like I had a mouthful of teeth obstructing my speech)

I mentioned that Crest should use her as a poster child.

I asked if there were any telethons to help kids like her. When Jill asked "What kind of telethon?" I offered "Ummmmm...The Kids With Fucked Up Teeth Telethon??"

Of course, Mattie Gee and I were howling at my newfound depths of cruelness.

I'm such an asshole. Watch ... now MY KID will have his teeth poking through his cheeks in a few years too.

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Mattie Gee did the best impression of the day though. His impression was of our drunk assed boss handing out Christmas bonuses...

"Here Mattie... (rummaging through his desk) ... here's a half empty bottle of Dewar's ... Merry Christmas".

I thought that was hilarious. Our boss SOMETIMES gives out Christmas bonuses and sometimes he doesn't. The first year, we all got nice bonuses. The second year we didn't get shit. Last year we got $40 apiece which was practically a slap in the face...not even a dollar a week for the year's work.

I'm curious to see what happens this year if anything.

Hell...I'd take my expense check which is three months late. I'm easy.

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Went looking at DVD players yesterday at lunch.

I think I'm going to get a cheap assed Apex player.

I just want something to last me a few years until prices come down, technology advances and the world catches up to what I'm looking for...a damned fine DVD player dirt cheap.

Is that too much to ask??

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I guess I need to mosey on.

OH!!!

I fed Andy his first bottle yesterday.

He guzzled it like a pro.

God.

He's so damned smart and cute.

...And his teeth aren't fucked up either.

...Yet...

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