Uncle Bob has been cursing nonstop for over 30 years. Please don't expect him to stop today. Those under 18 need to go to www.disney.com while their older friends stay here with their favorite Uncle and get drunk. Can you imagine all the 17-year-old Diarylanders clicking their "Back" button right now and anxiously anticipating their big 18th birthday for the sole reason that they can finally visit Uncle Bob? Heh.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!

Alright...it's 4:34 a.m....I just put Mrs. Bob's Valentine's present on the dining room table ... a basket of goo from Bath and Body Works and some kinda fancy schmancy electric air freshener from there that oozes the "Juniper Breeze" scent that she loves so much.

I know...not the most romantic of gifts. But I ain't gettin' jack from her. So who's the romantic in the family??

I wrote a quick note to Amber to let her know that Valentine's Day is not a big reason to get all down in the dumps over being without a significant other. For me, New Years Eves were always harder to spend alone than Valentine's Day. V.D. is more for kids.

I've had two bad V.D. experiences in my life that I can remember right off the bat. For the sick, twisted and sadistic members of my audience who revel in any pain that I may have once endured ... here they are:

In the sixth grade I had a mad crush on Patti Hamrick. She was a preacher's daughter and had the most gorgeous eyes of any 11-year-old that I had ever seen.

I had asked her to "go" with me (although ... I sincerely had no place to take her)and she agreed to "go" with me.

So we were "going" together.

I guess "go" is short for "go steady". "Going steady" sounds even dumber than "going".

"Hey, how's it going?"

"Oh...steady."

"I hear ya(mumbles) ... freak..."

Anyway ...we were going together. I MUST have asked her on February 13th (Valentines anxiety at 11. Christ...did I have a helluva life to look forward to or what?), because I KNOW we lasted only one day as "go" partners.

And I KNOW we broke up on Valentines Day.

I don't remember the exact wording of the Valentine that I presented Patti with. But it insinuated that she enjoyed passing gas on a regular basis.

For the life of me, I can't explain why I did such a stupid, stupid thing. I had no idea little girls were self-conscious about their poots. My sisters let 'em fly at home, but apparently toned it down immensely in public. I had never really put two and two together.

As soon as Patti opened her Valentine, with me standing over her like the class geek that can't wait for her to see what half-assed witty thing I had scrawled in her yearbook, she put the Valentine face down on her desk and was clearly disturbed.

Once again, the exact words that she said escape me at the moment. It's not like we had the Internet in 1973 and I could type all this shit out so you people could rate my pitiful love life. So the words were never officially documented. So I will give you a statement that appropriated what Patti said to me.

"You're the lousy fart-sniffer Uncle Bob. I don't want to go with you anymore."

Those words...or whatever the words she may have said ... stung me to my soul. Stung me just like jelly roll. Yeah, it stung me.

I never even got to consummate the relationship with a kiss. The whole torrid affair lasted less than 24 hours and ended because I accused her of unbridled flatulence.

*sigh*

The other bad Valentine's Day came on behalf of the most evil woman to ever step into my life....Treva.

I haven't seen the woman in 17 years. But if she showed up at my doorstep and snapped her fingers, I'd be on my knees in a heartbeat.

We started dating when I was 18 and she was 17. She was a cheerleader starting her senior year in high school, and I was her prerequisite "man that was off at college". Because Heaven forbid a cheerleader dated a guy in HIGH SCHOOL....OH NOOOOOOO....THEY WERE MUCH TOO MATURE FOR HIGH SCHOOL GUYS.....ONLY COLLEGE MEN WERE GOOD ENOUGH FOR CHEERLEADERS....

...And don't think I didn't do the same damned thing right after my freshman orientation. I snagged the first cheerleader I could find.

Anyway...Treva rocked my world for about two years off and on. We had some of the most romantic times two people could ever have and some of the most turbulent fights ever. She's the only woman I have ever slapped in the face and that was after she had kicked my earring out of my ear with her boots and I lost control. We then had the best sex of our relationship that night and the next day there was a restraining order against me issued by her father.

It was an odd relationship to say the least.

So on Valentine's Day 1982, on a day that I THOUGHT we were "on" again, I was apparently wrong.

Treva came to my dorm room to break our date. I don't remember the reason why she broke it ... she probably found a stray dog she wanted to fuck instead of me that night.

But she did drop a bomb on me while she broke it.

She wanted me to know that she had been sleeping with my best friend Greg since the past New Years Eve.

Greg was like my brother and even though he was back home while I was at school, I had seen him a handful of times since New Years Eve and he had been acting strange like something was bothering him. I thought it was more along the lines of "Work's busting my ass" than "I've been humping your old lady."

Anyway, Treva then left, leaving me alone in my dorm room on Valentine's Night, while she went out and showed the football team her Ben-Wa balls in action.

In case you're wondering...the next time I saw Greg, he told me I had whatever abuse that I had stored up for him coming to him. He sat in a chair with his arms folded across his chest while I beat the shit out of him. He never once moved and I took out all my frustration on him in his nose and mouth area.

Only a true brother would do that.

Still ... I had to choose her over him. It's the power of the poontang, don't ya know?

And she kept cheating on me and running back to me as a safe haven ... as the guy that still connected her to her past as she went out and experimented with the steamy side of college life.

I'm sure someday I will go on at length about our bizarre little relationship, but for now I will end here.

The one thing I CAN say is that I don't think I ever burned any bridges with any of my former girlfriends. If I ran into an old girlfriend at the mall, we could hug and have coffee and get caught up and then go our separate ways.

Christ ... sorry this thing was soooooo....un-Bob like. It's probably the time of day. I'll be back later today with a much more entertaining update. Oooooo.... how about the first time Treva and I had sex??

...I'm so pathetic ....

Dude ... you are pathetic ... lemme tell ya how much ...

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