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20:12:35 - 2000-02-16

Uncle Bob's Diary used to be for all ages. A long, long time ago. Then, while scribbling out his second entry, he let a curse word fly. Before you knew it, curse words were flying, sex stories were being spilled and everyone was instructed to fantasize about their favorite character from the TV show "Alice" in a simultaneous masturbation experiment exclusive to Diaryland users that has never been matched since. In other words ... this site ain't for kiddies. Unless they are strong, mighty warriors of yore. I guess the strong, mighty warriors of yore can stay. Everyone else .... OUT!!

MY FIRST TIME TAKING THE VIAGRA

Alright ... you snickering little bastards ... yes ... yer dear Uncle Bob has flirted with Viagra.

There have been a few times when ....ummm....how can I put this delicately ... my hot, throbbing rocket of love wouldn't ignite. My dog wouldn't return "the bone". The IRS man was "knocking on my door". Little Bob wouldn't "play Scrabble". Aunt Edna "hid the broccoli".

Do you see what I'm getting at??? Do I have to spell it out??

I WAS SANS ERECTION AT THE MOST INCONVENIENT OF TIMES.

*whew*

I feel better now.

Anywhoo...it was never that big a deal. But there was one time when Little Bob got stagefright that bothered me. We were trying to get pregnant and there was one day when we were supposed to wake up at 4 a.m. and have sex. My wife was then supposed to IMMEDIATELY drive to Birmingham, Alabama (a 90 mile drive) and undergo some sort of tests that doctors like to do on women trying to get pregnant at 6:30 in the morning.

Well ... guess who didn't want to come to the party and take on the beer bong at 4 a.m.?

That's right. El Bobbo Wobbo.

We tried spanking it. We tried squishing it, yanking it, everything.

My little buddy in the pink sombrero was taking a siesta and was NOT to be bothered.

It was truly fucked up. NOTHING worked ... and I do mean NOTHING. Yes...we resorted to the EXTREME at 4:15 a.m.....

... The dreaded (oh god...I can't say it....)....blow job.

If anything, that made the dancing bear cower even more.

Anyway ... I never really had a problem with it again after that. But performing on demand was obviously not my cup of Joe.

(By the way, sidenote ...I know I'm stretching here...any "Twin Peaks" fans out there??)

I guess I woulda been the world's lousiest porn star. As soon as the red light on the camera went off, my Porky Pig woulda shriveled up like I had just stepped naked into a freezer and wouldn't come out for Regis and a million dollar check, let alone some skank with fake boobs and a bored look on her face from all the drugs she just ingested.

Gadzooks Bob ol' boy...let's get this story into overdrive.

Soooo....went to the doctor for a physical, he started talking about Viagra (it had JUST come on the market what...two years ago?). I asked him if you HAD to have problems to take it and he said no. He asked if I wanted to try some and be his "guinea pig", since nobody else had stepped up to the plate to try any.

Well ... I write a weekly humor column. Every day, I'm trying to find situations that I can mine humor from for approximately 600 words.

And a date with Viagra had "COLUMN" written all over it.

I agreed to be his test drive penis and he wrote me a prescription with FIVE refills in a one year period.

I was going to be a sex god. No two ways about it. I'd have women lined up around the block wanting to take a look at my 7-11 dick -- always open and ready to serve, baybee...

I called the wife at work to tell her what our lives had been truly blessed with. She emitted the deepest, sexiest, scariest growl I've ever heard come out of her mouth. It was like a cross between a Labrador and Britney Spears coughing up a phlegm ball.

Hell, I was so excited, I told everyone at work about it. I was proud as a peacock. I was about to have the world's greatest erection and was going to have the stamina of a bull. I was going to pound and pound and pound until my wife had a permanent grin plastered across her face like Jack Nicholson in "Batman".

Bottom line...that shit worked.

Looking back, it could have all been psychological. But I'll be damned if we got double the use out of this bad boy with a break in between. For a while, with the TV on in the dark, I was performing shadow puppets with my massive love muscle on my stomach to her arousal and amusement. Probably more amusement that arousal. How erotic is a talking penis shadow on a beer gut??

I hadn't had that much fun with Cockzilla since that first night in the hotel room in Germany in '75.

Heh. Christ. That makes me sound soooo old.

The next day, I was sicker than Dylan Klebold.

If I wasn't puking, I was shitting and vice versa. I lost 17 lbs. in 4 hours. By 2 p.m., people were stopping by the house, wanting to get a peek and an autograph from "Kate Moss."

That afternoon I went back to the doctor to give him my report on his fucking Viagra. Hell ... I almost gave it to him all over his coat.

He gave me some KICK ASS stomach medicine that had me back to normal in 30 minutes. We both agreed that the experiment did not gel with me. I sold the other two pills to my buddy Will who used them on a date with a girl he was seeing. I asked him afterwards if he told her he was taking Viagra and he said "Hell no, I want her to think it's ALL me."

She married him six months later.

I gave them the rest of my prescription for Viagra as a wedding gift.

'Cos that's the kinda bastard I am.

I'm feeling about 35 IQ points lower than I had when I first got here. Where can I express myself??

If you want bio, pics, more entries than you can read in a week and ...and ... well ... that's probably it... click here

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El Bobber Wobber.


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