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22:58:11 - 2000-02-01

Alright now...we've done "First Wet Dream" and "First Masturbation Session" ...

I couldn't POSSIBLY imagine what I should write about next ...

Fine. First Sex. The Night I Lost My Virginity. Happy?!?

May 10, 1980

I was 18 years old with extremely low self esteem. Despite the fact that I was semi-popular (probably on the third string of popularity in my school, if popularity was measured in sporting metaphors) and singing in THE most popular rock band in Hendersonville High...DARK HORSE!!!

(Dramatic pause while applause dies down for DARK HORSE!!!)

Truth be told, we were the ONLY rock band whose members all went to H'ville High at the time, but dammit ...we played school dances!

And even though I was the singer and shoulda been nailing every hoochie coochie high school honey I could find ... I wasn't. Mainly because I had no CLUE on how to get a woman in bed.

NO CLUE.

I knew how to get them to like me. I had plenty of female friends. PLENTY. In college I found out just how many of them liked me and how many LIIIIIKED me.

I don't wanna brag and tell you the number. But let's just say it's a lot.

You know. Somewhere around 10...12.

Somewhere between 10 and 12, ya know.

You know. Like .... oh... I dunno....ELEVEN maybe??

...But I'm not bragging.

AND I'm not saying I had sex with 11 women in college that wanted me in high school. I just became really good FRIENDS with a gal that went to the same high school as me, but we never met until college. We went out drinking one night and she told me everyone she knew that had said they had wanted to go out with me. She was listing names, dates, places...etc.

She told me there was some graffiti on one of the girl's bathroom walls in high school, where there was a list of guys that you wanted to screw and I was number two, behind a good friend of mine.

Now THAT will blow your mind. Especially to a guy with NO self esteem.

Anyway...goddam...talk about your rambling....sheesh...lemme take a deep breath and get back on track.

WHOOOOOOO haaaaaaaaaaaaaa

WHOOOOOOO haaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Alright.

So I'm working at Opryland USA and one of my co-workers is this girl named Stacey. Cute gal. I always thought of her as one of the guys more than a potential virginity thief.

Anyway, Stacey's boyfriend broke up with her two weeks before the prom. Her friend comes to me and says"Would you take Stacey to the prom? She's crushed over her boyfriend and doesn't want to miss her prom."

(The exact words escape me at the moment)

Naturally, I didn't have a date. So I asked her out, as friends, since that's what we were ... friends.

We went to her prom (different school from mine) and had a good time. Stayed out all night and at the end I kissed her on the mouth, because it seemed like that was the least she could do ... gimme a damned kiss.

Well, good ol' buddy, ol' pal Stacey decided to cram a little tongue in my gullet. I was taken aback, because it was kinda like kissing your sister. Then again...I probably hadn't been kissed in six months, so a foreign tongue in my mouth was kosher ... even if it was a friend. Or hell...at that point...a sister woulda been nice.

... I say, I say...That's a joke boy. Don't turn green on me now ...

Sorry. My Foghorn Leghorn impression doesn't translate as well in diary form. Forgive my stoopid ass.

About a week after the prom, Stacey wants to go riding around with me after work. I told her I had to go to band practice with DARK HORSE (!!!) and that I probably would be tied up there for at least a few hours.

She asked if she could come and sit at practice if she promised to not make a peep.

I said it'd be no problem. It wasn't like I was John Lennon bringing Yoko by the studio to say hi to the boys and dissolve the greatest rock and roll band in history. It was Stacey. You know...the girl I work with...

...You remember...the girl who went from being my buddy to being the cumslut groupie from Hell in the space of four songs.

Granted ... I was really laying the cheese on thick while we practiced. I was jumping around like David Lee Roth with jock itch and screaming like I was onstage at Madison Square Garden instead of in our drummer Tim's garage, trying to avoid a fresh oil spill.

We finished up practice, split a six pack of Miller amongst the four band members, Stacey and one other girl who I think was dating the rest of the band that night and went our separate ways.

As soon as Stacey and I got to my car, I went to open her door and she laid the most violent kiss I've ever had laid on me. It was sexy and frightening at the same time. I wasn't sure if she was trying to seduce me or kill me. But I knew one thing ...

... I was about to get naked with my buddy Stacey.

....Which I will tell you about in about 12 hours or so.

...I'm SUCH a tease...

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