Alright you grubby little sex puppets, you can quit salivating ... here's part two of the night I lost my virginity. If you didn't read Part One I suggest you do so now. It's not prime whack-off material, but it gives you insight on what I'm about to tell ya.

If you think you can struggle through this with no problem, fine. Here's a lil background on the story thus far:

I take a girl named Stacey to her prom because her boyfriend dumped her and she was heartbroken. We went together as FRIENDS, we kissed at the end of the night...end of story. Until the following week when she asks to go to a band practice of mine, at which I stir some animal instincts in her to where she gives me a hella whamma kiss at my car.

...And here we go....

My house was only about four miles away, and I suggested we go over there and listen to some music. My bedroom was in the basement at the back of the house. I had never snuck a girl in the house before after everyone went to bed, so I was a little nervous.

We get to my house, get in my room, close the door and I put on a little mood music.

AC/DC "Back In Black"

I must have been fucking insane.

THIS was mood music?? I guess if you're fucking Satan, it might make his nipples hard, but outside of that, "Back In Black" is probably the WORST mood music you will ever attempt. Do yourself a favor and NEVER try to get someone in the mood with "Hells Bells". Trust me.

Apparently, Stacey didn't care what was on the stereo. She wanted to hump David Lee Roth and this loser with no self esteem laying on the bed next to her was the closest thing at the moment.

Lucky me.

She let me put my hand in her blouse while we kissed and I remember thinking it felt great. I coulda died right there as I ran my hand all over her bra-covered breast.

I didn't think we were actually going to have sex. I figured we were just going to make out, I was going to get to feel her bra and it would be GAME OVER DUDE because SOMETHING would screw it up.

Wrong.

Stacey reached behind her back and popped her bra off. She unbuttoned her blouse, took it off and removed the bra.

Oh sweet Jesus.

Tits.

Real live, heaving, breathing, fleshy, round Tits.

At this point, I think I began to realize that this was going to be the night ... I was about to lose the Big V.

I took my shirt off and stripped down to my boxers. I didn't want to be too forward and strip naked and have her freak out, get dressed and run off into the night. Because...let's face it...in 1980...if you didn't have everything JUST RIGHT, you weren't getting laid. The moons had to be in alignment, the horoscope had to be positive that morning and BY NO MEANS could there be a single sound in the house that may even SOUND like a parent getting out of bed to walk around the house at midnight. Christ ... I can't tell you how many times after this night that my dad screwed me outta getting laid just because he walked in his sleep.

Laying there on my side in my boxers, Stacey didn't want me to be alone. So she stripped down too.

...All the way.

I think my boxers hit the wall at the foot of my bed with such force that they knocked some plaster loose.

Suddenly I was four years old again, playing in my Grandma's wooded back yard. I wanted to explore EVERYTHING.

For some reason, the fact that I was a virgin came up during foreplay. This excited her tremendously, and ...as she said...I would now "remember her forever".

We laid there and kissed and fondled for a while. I remember being fascinated with her vagina. I had no idea that they had elasticity to them. So I'm down there like I'm playing with Play Doh, yanking, tugging, pushing, twisting....just having the time of my life.

She didn't do oral sex (funny...back then very few girls did. They'd sleep with ya, but wouldn't blow ya), which was fine with me, because I never saw the fascination with a blow job. I still don't, but that's another diary entry all together.

But I was more than willing to dive down, so I packed my suitcase and went to town. I probably had all the techniques of a spastic woodpecker down there, but by God, she had to give me an A for effort. Meanwhile, I was having a blast. I was licking, probing, nibbling...anything I could think of, I was applying it. Meanwhile, she thrashed around quite a bit and chewed on my pillow. I would hit certain areas and her thighs would constrict around me, almost causing me to black out.

Finally, I crawled on top of her and the big moment came. I slid Lil' Bob inside of a woman for the first time. I remember thinking (because I used a condom that was about four inches thick) that it didn't feel like heaven. It felt like a warm, tight fist. Probably because I was used to a warm tight fist and didn't know any better.

We stayed in the missionary position until I thought my wrists would break. I would go slow. Then fast. Then machine gun fast. Then back to slow. Then I would grind in a circular motion.

...I may have been a virgin, but I had read more than my share of Penthouse letters. Like a true boy scout, I went in fully prepared. I just wasn't wearing my boy scout uniform at the time.

How kinky would that have been??

We then switched her on top which quickly became my favorite position and still is 20 years later. With the woman on top, you don't have to do a THING. Keep a steady rhythm going and kiss the boobies. This position wasn't brain surgery.

We tried doggie style, but you really have to have some experience behind you to pull that position off correctly. I was holding on to her like I was clinging desperately to a life preserver. It was too awkward so we went back to her on top.

Anyway...truthfully...it took me over 90 minutes to ejaculate. I remember I had "cleaned my pipes" earlier that day, which may have accounted for the duration.

Whatever the case, Stacey was impressed. She told me she had never had sex with anyone that lasted longer than ten minutes.

I was a God.

The one thing I remember most about that evening was after we had sex, she had to go to the bathroom. It was dark, so I found my way through the dark naked, turned on the light for her and let her do her thing.

After she was done, she came out of the bathroom with the light left on and I could see her silhouette walking towards my open door.

And just the fact that a naked woman was walking toward my bed at that very moment....

Well...that's the memory that is strongest.

Stacey and I ended up actually dating after that. I saw her in a whole new vein now ... she was no longer my buddy...she was my lover.

We stayed together for about two months. Finally, I dumped her. She wouldn't quit smoking pot and I just couldn't handle it. It made me sick to my stomach to think of my lover smoking pot.

Ironically ... two years later ... I was the biggest pothead that the University of Tennessee had ever seen.

I saw Stacey a few years later while I was home from school. We got along great and actually shared a joint which really blew her mind. She told me that I was always the best sex she had ever had. She told me that I was the only guy who paid attention to her needs and didn't demand that she paid attention to mine.

...i.e.....I never hounded her for a blow job ...

She was dropping strong hints that we could hook it up one more time for old time's sake. But I had a girlfriend at the time and couldn't cheat on her. Wouldn't be prudent. So we hugged and I dropped her off at her car and said goodbye.

I haven't seen or heard from her since 1983.

I don't think of her every day. But I'm sure a month doesn't go by when I don't think of her at least once. And it's never about the sex. I just always imagine her sitting at the table at the cafeteria at work ... all blond and dimples ... and getting grossed out when I would fake a sneeze and squeeze pickle relish into my hand and hold it out like I just blew booger chunks all over myself.

That gag never failed to gross her out.

No wonder I wasn't getting laid that often.

UNCLE BOB'S HOUSE OF FUN

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