THE ONLY DIARY FORTIFIED WITH EIGHT ESSENTIAL VITAMINS AND IRON

A week or so ago, Mattie Gee, his woman Cate and myself went to my favorite Chinese place for the buffet.

I paid for the lunch with a $20. The bill was $15 and change.

The guy gave me back $15.

I noticed this once we walked out of the restaurant and I was putting the money back in my wallet.

At the time, I thought..."Wow! My lucky day!"

...But that lucky day had been eating away at me all week long.

So today we went there to eat and I walked up to the cashier and told him that he had given me ten dollars too much last week.

He was confused.

I asked if his cash register was short $10 last week.

He picked up some papers, shuffled them a bit without really looking at them and said "Yes. It short."

"Well here's ten dollars," I said.

He thanked me and bowed his head slightly. His wife did the same.

But something tells me that they're ALWAYS screwing up like that and that cash register has NEVER balanced to the penny. They almost acted flabbergasted that I would give them their money back. Almost like they MEANT to give me extra money.

I coulda kept that ten dollars and nobody would have been the wiser for it.

But ya know...I have a clear conscience now.

And it feels mighty good.

Wednesday evening, we noticed a rash on Andy's tummy that spread all the way to his back.

Seeing as how it's Susie's vacation this week and I couldn't afford to take any more time off from my new job, we both kinda pretended it wasn't there, hoping it would either go away on its own or we'd die in our sleep and wouldn't have to deal with it in the morning.

Thursday morning we weren't dead and Andy's rash had gotten worse. Now his sweet angelic face was covered in little red dots.

"What do you think this is?" Susie asked.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said, still pretending not to notice that my boy was slowly turning into a monster.

"Well, I'm taking him to daycare," she said defiantly. "I have that massage and facial today and there's no way in Hell I'm missing them."

"I don't blame you," I said. Then I lied, "I'm sure it's not contagious whatever it is."

Like I'm a pediatrician all of a sudden.

So she takes him to daycare and points out the rash to Miss Robin, his daycare lady. Miss Robin informs Susie that if Susie is on vacation then Andrew is Susie's problem, not hers. Apparently, we signed a contract that stated if we take a vacation we HAVE to watch our son that week.

Ummmm...no. That's why it's a vacation. Susie wanted to lay around, get massages, facials, etc. WITHOUT having to worry about Andy.

This ticked Susie off and she called me all upset about it. Miss Robin decided to go ahead and watch Andy for the day, but IN THE FUTURE, if we take vacations and sit at home, we can't bring Andy to daycare.

Ain't that some shit?

I mean...duh...you just don't TELL Miss Robin that we're on vacation when we take them. We drop Andy off and then go back home and chill.

She's strange.

Anyway...an hour later, Susie calls and Andy looks like the Elephant Man. He's got bumps all over his body and Domino's is calling wanting to use him in their latest ad campaign as Pizza Boy, because he looks like a pepperoni pizza.

So she had to go pick him up.

AND cancel her massage and facial, which was sort of sweet revenge in a way like "IN YOUR FACE, YOU UPPITTY SPA!"

But she had to take Andy to the doctor.

Gawd. I can't believe I'm telling this boring assed story. You're probably sitting there waiting for a big payoff like Andy's contracted leprosy or something.

He just had an allergic reaction to some medicine we've been giving him to fight off an ear infection.

That's it.

We gave him some antibiotics and he's fine now less than 24 hours later.

Sheesh.

I'm embarrassed for taking up so much of your time to tell you such an insanely boring story.

Man.

Even Gay Wayne's usual entries are more exciting than that was.

My apologies.

I'm full as a tick.

I love me some Chinese food, you betcha.

So yeah, today was Picture Day at the office.

What Wendigo forgot to mention was how NOBODY bothered to tell me that they were about to snap the photo when they did.

I was in my office, counting the minutes until 10 a.m. when we were supposed to meet at an undisclosed location and have a group photo snapped.

At 10, I figured I'd walk up to the lobby and find out where the picture was going to be shot.

I round the corner and there's everyone, posed, facing the camera with their smiles plastered on their face.

I got there seconds before the picture was going to be snapped.

Thanks a lot people. I appreciate y'all clueing in the new guy.

Wendi was like "Oh yeah! Uncle Bob!" Like she had "accidently" forgot to buzz me to get me to come to the lobby.

Uh-huh.

I am soooooooo out of here.

The writing's on the wall. I'm going to be fired at any given moment.

They didn't even want me in the group picture because they KNOW I won't be here in November when the book comes out because my butt's going to be fired for peeing too much or burning my candles and making people ill or something stupid like that.

Rabble scrabble co-workers...

I got a letter in the mail yesterday saying that the Church had nominated me to be a Diaconate.

At first I was honored because Diaconates get to...they get to....

...Well, I'm not exactly sure what they do. But I bet it's cool.

Then I realized...no offense Church Family...but I really don't wanna have to do too much around here.

I wanna be home watching my baby grow, not stuck in several meetings every Sunday afternoon.

Susie says it's cool to be a Diaconate because then I'm on "The Board" that decides what to do and what paths the church should go towards.

Uh huh.

And all I have to do is give up my Sunday afternoons so I can attend these board meetings. Wow! Sign me up!

Actually, I'm probably going to do it because like the Godfather, once the people in the Church make you an offer, you can't refuse it.

I hear they retaliate by rolling your house and soaping your windows.

It's like a Christian drive-by or something.

I'm not even sure that Diaconate is the right word. It's Dia-something.

Anyway...

Man...I'm boring myself today.

We're supposed to go out on the town tonight. The youth group at church is "babysitting" the kids while parents enjoy a "Parent' Night Out" tonight.

We're going to Copeland's for dinner. It's only been in town for about two months and it's still pretty popular so we figure the wait will be about an hour or so which will kill an hour of the three hours that we have to ourselves.

Susie hinted this morning that she'd be happy just dropping Andy off, coming home and having sex while he's at Church.

Yeah right.

Like I'm going to give up a restaurant meal.

*snort*

I'm sooooo full and sooooooo tired.

I need to stop eating Chinese buffet at lunch. Even if they do give me way too much change back, I can't hardly function after eating it.

I'm about to unbutton my pants, just to give my boys some room.

I'm typing this with one eye open, the other closed, desperately trying to stay awake.

I need to stop and go walk around the building for a few minutes to wake myself up.

Take care...400 of you have a good weekend.

The rest of you Weekend Warriors...I'll check in with you late tomorrow morning.

Peace in.