THINGS I THOUGHT OF THIS MORNING AS I WALKED

* Holy Jesus, it's dark out here.

* Christ almighty, can it get any colder?

* I wish my dog could shit while she walked.

* Shut up, you stupid freaking dog.

* You too.

* God, I hate my neighborhood dogs.

* I hate getting up at 4:30 to walk.

* I wonder if we'll be bombed while I walk.

* If we were bombed right now and I died instantly but the dog didn't, would the dog be able to find her way home?

* What am I going to write in my diary today?

* The clouds sure are moving quickly.

* I wonder if there's any biochemicals in those clouds.

* I wonder if the milk's gone bad yet.

* I need to mow the yard tonight.

* I don't want to mow the yard tonight.

* My life revolves around my television schedule.

* Jesus God it's cold out here.

* Come on dog...hurry up and pinch that loaf.

* Oh look...a car.

* I probably shouldn't have flipped that car off.

* Gang members probably sleep in on weekday mornings.

* Here comes the hill.

* I hate the hill.

* Nnnnngh. Huff. Puff. Huff. Puff.

* Fuck you, hill.

* Hurry up dog.

* God...do you really think the other dogs WANT to smell your pee every ten feet?

* I can't believe all of Osama's planes are gone already.

* Let's move it, dog.

* I bet I could shave five minutes off my walking time if I took this dog behind that tree and strangled her.

* Can you go to prison for murdering a dog?

* I guess that road rage guy who threw the poodle in traffic did.

* Nice doggie. Niiiice.

* I haven't had a hamburger since starting this diet.

* I want a hamburger.

* I could eat a hamburger for breakfast and have no complaints.

* I need to call my dietician.

* Oh look...another car.

* Bye car! Byyyye!

* A lot of people have to be at work by 5 a.m. in my neighborhood.

* Well...not a lot...but two people do.

* It's 5 a.m.

* They're late for work.

* If they got fired from work, I wouldn't mind it if they blamed me and my dog for making them late.

* Ahhhhh...the red light!

* I see two red lights on my walk each morning. This one's always red while the other one's always green.

* God bless...it's cold out.

* I need to get Andy enrolled in karate.

* I guess I have time to wait though.

* I wonder if I should take karate with Andy.

* How long are people going to leave red white and blue ribbons on their mailboxes?

* This war is going to be another Vietnam. Eventually all the flags and patriotic stuff will be put in closets and the war will be on the back pages of the newspaper.

* That's sad.

* I bet Bush ends the war before all the terrorists are captured or killed.

* The public will turn against Bush if it drags out more than two years.

* I'm glad I got my tax rebate check back.

* The dogs don't bark as much when we walk in the street.

* Let's walk in the street for a bit, dog.

* Shit. I was wrong.

* Back on the sidewalk we go.

* I wonder if those tomatoes are bad yet.

* I could eat a whole bagel if I eliminated the yogurt and banana.

* I don't need a yogurt and banana.

* I need a bagel.

* Or a hamburger.

* Another car! That's three now!

* There's the convenience store...fifteen more minutes to go.

* That old man inside the convenience store must hate his shift.

* Why would you put an old man on your third shift?

* He's a cranky old cuss.

* Hi old man! Bye old man!

* That bastard never waves back.

* I wonder if he can see me out here.

* Ahhhh...it's all downhill from here.

* These people really need to mow their yard.

* I still have to mow the yard tonight.

* I'm glad the sidewalk's on the other side of the street from me.

* Come ON dog!

* God, I hate this dog sometimes.

* Is she eating another dog's shi....GET OVER HERE, DOG!!!

* Damned dog...BAD GIRL!!!

* Do I not give you enough food??

* Damned dog.

* No cars...I'm taking my cap off.

* I wonder if my bedhead hair would make someone wreck if they saw it this early.

* I bet I'm the only one who cares about my hair.

* I wish someone would invent a sweat suit that's doesn't make you sweat.

* I need to work on that.

* "Ed" tomorrow night..."Survivor" Thursday night..."The Mole" Friday night...Football Saturday night..."Weakest Link" on Sunday night.

* God, I'm pathetic.

* Hurry UP dog.

* Kids shouldn't leave their bikes in the front yard overnight.

* That last half mile is a blur.

* I'm going to have to walk like this for the rest of my life.

* Someday, I bet Andy and I will walk together.

* I wonder if we'll have anything to talk about.

* I haven't had chocolate in three weeks.

* Is there such a thing as chocolate hamburgers?

* I bet if I invented them, people would eat them.

* Ahhhhh...my street!

* Let's GO DOG.

* God, does she have to sniff EVERYTHING?

* I wonder if it sucks driving a potato chip truck for a job or if it's cool and you get to eat a lot of junk food.

* That guy's pretty skinny. I bet they don't let him eat the product.

* I'd be fired the first day if that was my job.

* HOME!!!

* The newspaper's already here. Yippee!!

* Holy Jesus, it's dark out here.