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05:54:07 - 2000-04-09

MY SO-CALLED WEDDING DAY

You wanted the story and you've GOT the story!!

The hottest story in the land......MY WEDDING DAYYYYYY!!!

Yes...once again...the master Diaryland impressionist pulls yet another cyber-impression out of his never-ending bag ... this one being the guy that opens all the KISS Alive albums.

Thank yewwwwwwwwwwww!!

(Bob bows politely, smacks his forehead against the desk and is lightheaded for a few short moments.)

Alright...today's my anniversary and...

(Bob crosses his arms, scowls at you and begins tapping his foot impatiently waiting for the obligatory "Happy Anniversary!!")

Thank yewwwwwwwwww!!!That's so sweet!!!

Yes ... it's our 12th anniversary...I remember April 9,1988 like it was yesterday....

(Time travel special effects blast past Uncle Bob's head)

The day before we got married, I drove to the Birmingham airport to pick up one of my groomsmen, Matt. That was strange because we hadn't seen each other since I was 15 and he was 16 ... now we were 26 and 27.

Standing in the airport, I was grinning at every guy in his mid-to-late 20s that got off the plane just in case it was Matt.

Of course...none of them were him...but I did get quite a few sly smiles back. I batted my eyelashes at them, but it never went any farther because ...well...I'M STRAIGHT and was about to GET MARRIED.

Anyway...I finally see Matt and it's so obvious it's him. Other than a few extra pounds, it was definitly my boy Matt.

(Matt and I were best friends in Greece...it was his little brother who was Greg Kinnear's best friend and it was at Matt's house that the four of us would always have sleepovers. You remember him now, right??)

Matt has always been one of the funniest guys I've ever known and it's safe to say that without Matt's influence on me, I probably wouldn't be Uncle Bob today.

Probably Uncle Roy.

Maybe Uncle Milton.

But NEVER Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob is 75% Matt.

Anyway...as soon as we get his luggage, lug it to the car, get it in the car and pull out of the parking garage, Matt (staring straight ahead at the road)says:

"So. How was your prom?"

I had to pull over I was laughing so hard. A shitload of things to talk about and Matt brings up a dance that I had went to eight years earlier.

Typical Matt.

Anyway...it was with him that I spent my last night as a bachelor. We stopped by the club that I was deejaying at at the time and I spun a few records, had a few beers and then made the crowd wish me good luck and left.

We went back to my place and drank til 4 a.m. That was my bachelor party and that's how I wanted it. Getting caught up with a guy that had flown across the country that I never thought I'd ever see again.

The next morning at 7 a.m., the phone rings.

Overandoverandover in my head.

It was my future brother-in-law wanting me to come unlock the clubhouse where we were having our reception so he could go get some tables and put them in there.

7 a.m.

Uhhhh....and I'm marrying into this family?!?

Me, being Mr. Nice Drunk Guy, goes and unlocks the clubhouse and waits patiently for my new brother in law.

Who gets to the clubhouse nearly 45 minutes later.

I wanted to kill him.

First off, I can't leave the clubhouse unlocked and walk away, so I had to wait for him to get there, unload the tables and leave.

I threw up twice in the clubhouse bathroom while I waited. Felt a whole lot better too.

He finally shows up and we unload all the tables.

Automatically, I'm thinking...I really should have dumped Susie and married into money.

Susie and I paid for the whole thing ourselves because Susie's parents are divorced and her mom doesn't have any money and couldn't afford to pay for anything. And her dad wasn't invited to the wedding because Susie's mom said if he showed up with his new wife, she (Susie's mom) would not be at the wedding.

See...we had both forgotten that the whole purpose of the wedding was supposed to be for everyone to focus on Susie's mom and not us. We had been foolishly planning for months on the basis that this was OUR day, and not The Bitter Woman Who Can't Get Past Her Divorce 12 Years Earlier's Day.

How stupid of us.

So...her Dad played no part in the wedding and stayed home in California while his daughter got married. And Mom sat in the front row, beaming proudly. Not because her daughter was getting married, but because the whole wedding presented the illusion that her ex-husband was dead and gone.

Bitter? Me?? Nah.

Anyway...we unloaded the tables and I went back to the apartment but couldn't sleep because I was getting married in five hours.

So I woke Matt up and he threw up a few times and felt better. We were still hungover as hell, but we had gotten the vomit outta our systems.

After a few hours, we get semi-dressed in our tuxes and leave for the church.

While sitting at the red light at the entrance to my apartment complex, a car slams into another car trying to cross into traffic.

Right in front of us.

Check that.

COMING STRAIGHT TOWARD US!!!!

(Here's where the "death" thing I teased yesterday comes into play ... are ya scared yet??? Do ya think I'll die?????)

One of the cars fishtails and slams into my front left panel, knocking us for a loop.

This guy's trunk flies open ... and a trombone came flying out of his trunk, hurtling toward my windshield.

The one thing that kept going through my head was the headline "Local Deejay decapitated by flying trombone on wedding day".

The trombone cracked the windshield pretty bad.

Everyone got out of their cars and everyone was okay.

Except for me.

I was FREAKING.

I thought I'd never make it to the wedding in time now. I was mentally trying to change honeymoon plans because we were planning on driving eight hours to Gatlinburg, Tennessee for our honeymoon and I knew my car would be immobile.

As it turns out, it was operable. The front left was smashed in, and the windshield had a large crack through it.

So basically, the honeymoon was still on, but we looked like white trash with "Just Married" written all over my beat-up Camaro.

We got to the church and it's really a big blur what was going on to me. I was psyched for the wedding but bummed about the wreck, ecstatic that we weren't hurt, and giddy to tell Susie I had a wreck.

Everyone thought it would be best not to tell her that I had been in a wreck before the wedding. Buncha damned spoil sports.

My dad was my best man. The same man that took a baseball bat and threatened to knock my head off at one point was my best man.

The man I hated more than anyone in the free world at one point was my best man.

Goes to show you kids...things DO change...

Actually...I had no male friends at the time. It was either Dad or the manager of a record store I frequented and Dad has less piercings.

He still does. Unless Pops has went and got his nipples pierced and not shared it with the family.

Anyway...Dad, Matt and my other buddy Jimmy were trying to keep me calm. Every emotion I could possibly have I was experiencing in 30-second intervals.

I remember we stepped out onto the ummmm...steps of the pulpit...and the music was playing and I could NOT stop grinning.

And yeah...it was truly the most beautiful that I've ever seen my wife look.

To be honest...it didn't even look like my wife.

I don't think I could hear anything the preacher said. I just wanted to get all this over with and have us be official.

We finally kissed and he announced us man and wife, and I started getting misty eyed.

The one thing, I was paralyzed with one phrase that I kept repeating for ten minutes.

"We did it."

I said that over and over and over. I couldn't say anything else. I was laughing and shaking hands and saying "We did it" to everyone.

Just a nervous reaction or something.

Susie saw the car and almost cried. I assured her that insurance would cover it and we'd still be fine to travel...we'd just look like hell.

(This was a brand new Camaro, people. And yes...at the time...it was cool. So quit yer snickering...)

I got tipsy at the reception and acted like a dick, but at the time, that was expected of me. In the video, I'm running out under the rice with two bottles of opened champagne in each hand.

The preacher asked Susie if we were driving that night. Susie told him she'd be driving.

Wrong.

Anyway ... I didn't get DRUNK drunk...I was still hungover from the day before.

Everything went fine. Susie was happy.

Since we only spent about a grand on the wedding itself, we had to cut corners.

So no live band.

No live deejay.

Just a tape I had made at work of our favorite slow songs all mixed together and put on repeat.

I mentioned yesterday that the only song we danced to was Bruce Springsteen's "Jersey Girl". Mainly because we were so busy talking to everyone and being social.

Sooo...in my honor...download the mp3 "Jersey Girl" today. There's several versions out...I like them all EXCEPT the Bruce Springsteen/Tom Waits duet. That's a bootleg and crummy sound.

Go with the Springsteen version. It's such a pretty song.

We left the reception and my dumbass friends had not only written in shoe polish on the windows, but also all over the paint job.

Word to the wise...shoe polish ruins the paint job on a car. Keep it on the windows, please.

The next several hours were spent getting ready for our honeymoon. I felt like shit only seeing Matt for 24 hours after not seeing him for 11 years and having to just leave.

Luckily, he understood the situation.

Or at least...SAID he understood the situation.

Plus...he and my dad were cracking each other up making fun of me by running around and shaking everyone's hand in the room with dazed looks on their faces saying "We did it". So I knew they'd keep each other amused for hours.

By the time we finally got on the road it was 9 p.m. I knew that after only three hours of drunken sleep in the last 48 hours, there was no way I was going to be driving eight hours to Gatlinburg.

We made it as far as Chattanooga and spent our honeymoon night there. Both of us were incredibly exhausted, but she made me carry her over the threshold into the hotel room. We had some of the most unexciting sex of our young lives and then both passed out.

The next day...both refreshed, sober and revigorated ... we made it to Gatlinburg and stayed in the Honeymoon Hideaway Chalets. Very peaceful, secluded and romantic.

A heart shaped jacuzzi.

Waterbeds with mirrors on the ceilings.

Hammocks for two.

Fireplace.

I highly recommend it to the bargain honeymooners.

We ended up the honeymoon in Atlanta. We had taken $1,000 with us and only spent $300.

So...we went on a little shopping spree in Atlanta and bought a buncha new junk for our new home as husband and wife.

Sorry...I mean to make this more romantic as an ode to my wife that she would never see.

The truth of the matter is...this anniversary really doesn't mean shit to either one of us. After 12 years...she forgot all about it.

Ya see...we're just still all giddy about our very first ultrasound on Wednesday and no other date is important right now.

The wedding was nice. But the baby's a blessing.

Heeeeeeee!!!!!

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