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6:14 a.m. - 2001-05-16

WOW! I THINK I'M DYING!!

Happy Wednesday!!

Tra-la-la-la-la!!

I just woke up from an AWESOME money-making dream.

I ran this service where drunk people could call me and I'd come get them and drive their cars home for them and make sure they got home safely for $25 bucks. A friend and I would drive over to get them, the friend would follow us to their house to make sure there was no hanky-panky, robbery, etc. going on. It was a pretty lucrative business in my dreams and other than the projectile vomiting from the imaginary drunk bastards in the cars, it was really a pretty cool dream.

Yep.

If I do say so myself.

I also had a dream where I was a professional wrestler named "Bad Dog". I was one real mean sonofabitch.

The only problem was that I could never find my way to the matches, so I didn't actually have an actual wrestling match. But man...I bet if I did, I'd be one real mean sonofabitch.

Yep.

I just bet.


So yesterday I was at the grocery store and bought some of those WOW! potato chips because they were on sale and they're fat free.

I thought of a better name for these chips. They should be called "WOW! I Can't Believe I'm STILL Shitting!!"

Keeeerist. These puppies will clean you out like a corrupt maid service. I had a couple of handfuls last night and I think I dislodged a bowel.

Right on the back of the package in very small print at the bottom of the package it says "This product contains Olestra. Olestra may cause abdominal cramping and loose stools."

Damn. There's a sales pitch from hell.

"Try these chips! But don't be shocked if you're in horrible pain and shit your lungs out soon afterwards!"

If I ever try to buy some of these chips in a store again, every grocery store employee in America has my permission to choke me into unconsciousness before I actually pay for the damned things.


My goal today is to find a video store that has a copy of the DVD "Best In Show" and rent it.

I have such lofty goals.


Soooo...yesterday I happened to notice that my drivers license expired last week.

So I thought I'd stop by the probate office and get a new license made.

Jumping Jesus in a toaster oven. What the hell is wrong with people today?

I get there and I'm behind a lady with tattoos all up and down her arms. She's a black lady, so the tattoos are really kind of hard to see because they blend in with her skin. It's like using a white crayon on notebook paper ... it's invisible.

Anyway ... she wasn't the weirdo. It was some damned lady who had already gotten to the license window.

The lady stood there and got her picture taken for her license.

The lady wanted to see what the picture looked like. She was all giggly ... "I always take such bad license pictures...is it okay if I see this one? Giggle, giggle!"

The girl said "Sure" and the lady went behind the counter that clearly stated "Employees Only" and looked at her picture on the computer.

She didn't like what she saw. Granted, this woman was NO PRIZE. She looked somewhat like Andie McDowell if Andie McDowell had half her face chewed off by rabid wolverines.

So she asked if the girl could take ANOTHER picture of her. The girl smiled and said "Sure".

So the lady smoothed her hair down with her hands, stood back on her mark, thrust her shoulders back and gave the best goddamned fucked-up smile she had stored in her body for the camera.

She then wanted to go BACK behind the counter AGAIN and check out THIS picture.

I sighed as loud as I could, almost rupturing my spleen in the process.

I turned to Tattoo Lady and said "I didn't know this was Glamour Shots."

Tattoo Lady chuckled softly and one of her tattoos smiled as well.

Andie McDowell looked at the picture and decided she liked the first one better.

Okay. At this point I think it would have been perfectly fair for me and Tattoo Lady to run over there and KICK THIS UGLY BITCH'S ASS.

Unfortunately ... this ain't Bad Dog's world where people get an ass-whoopin' just because you piss me off.

Sooo...Ugly Skank Ho asks if she can have ONE MORE PHOTO taken. Window Girl says okay.

FUCK!!

Y'see...this is where our tax dollars are going...to make sure that ugly assed, yet egotistical nasty skank bitches have their fucking CHOICE of pictures to put on their drivers licenses so that when they whip them out in public, people can take one look at the license and say "This isn't you, ma'am. This is some halfway decent looking broad and you're an ugly assed, egotistical nasty skank bitch."

I told Tattoo Lady that EVERYONE has a shitty driver's license picture. Tattoo Lady agreed saying her last one sucked bad. One of her tattoos spoke up and agreed as well .

Finally, Skank Ho got a picture that she liked. Then she laughingly apologized to the Window Girl, trying to come off like she wasn't being vain at all when we all just watched her act like a fucking idiot.

"I'm sorry," she laughed to the girl. "I just always have such bad photos on my drivers license and this time I wanted one that looked good."

Gee lady. Maybe you've always had bad photos because you look like a retarded weasel with that frizzed-out hair and those buck teeth. Ever given that thought much consideration??

She did NOT apologize to the line of people that had formed while she took a two minute process and turned it into a ten minute ordeal. She just brushed past us, confident in the fact that her drivers license picture has made her look like the sexiest retarded weasel in the county.

I hope Window Girl purposefully fucks it up, and switches the pictures so that this lady gets the worst picture when her license is sent to her in two weeks.

I know if I was her, I woulda done it.

Tattoo Lady got up there, went over her information, stood for her picture glaring at the camera and walked away.

"Great job!" I whispered to her as she walked past.

"Crazy white fucker," she thought as she kept walking.

I got up there, said everything on my license was correct and when it came time for my picture I gave the camera a confused, scared look.

That's the look I have every time I'm pulled over by police anyway. May as well make the picture look authentic.


Susie had a meeting last night, so it was me babysitting the boy for several hours by myself.

A guy's night.

We chewed on some books and built some shit with Pooh blocks and then knocked them over as soon as they were built.

We talked on the Sesame Street phone to Elmo, who is one rude little bitch, if I say so myself.

We shit our pants. His was mostly mother's milk while mine was WOW! chips.

We took a little nap. Well, he napped on my chest. I just tried to keep my tummy rumble to a dull roar.

He woke back up and it was back down to the floor to play some more and listen to the Red Hot Chili Peppers, which is clearly NOT Andy's favorite band. But you know...fuck it. I love the kid and all, but I'll be DAMNED if we're going to sit and listen to fucking Old McDonald and London Bridge all night long. Daddy needs some mental stimulation too, dammit.

Mommy came home about 10:00 and Andy was down for the night after a particularly rousing game of "I Bet You Can't Put My Jammies On Me, Daddy" that lasted about 15 minutes.

It was a good time.

It wasn't the Best of Times. Those will come later.

But it was a good time.

Now...if you'll excuse me ... I have a date with Miss Toilet Bowl.

...Goddamned WOW! chips...

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